I wish I could have been around more over the past couple weeks but have been dogged by depression and am struggling...really struggling at the moment.
Its so simple. I feel better when I get up and go and do some exercise or do anything really but I can barely drag myself out of bed or off the couch to do it.
Today so far has been better and I got a small amount of exercise this morning - so far so good.
Whats has been odd over the last few months is that all my emotions seem to be about a millimetre below the surface. I'll laugh out loud at something on TV - very unlike me usually - or find myself crying over the smallest thing. I get ragingly angry if I drop a spoon or fumble with a lid on a jar and feel so low sometimes all I want to do is curl up in a ball on the couch, which is where I seem to be spending much off my time. It seems that anything can tip me over the edge.
Just typing that last paragraph has bought tears to my eyes - I am kind of worried about where this is all headed. Some days I just feel like I am falling apart and I wonder if I am headed for some kind of breakdown. Hmmm that sounds rather dramatic doesn't it? It underscores the need for me to see someone professional.
Those days only a few months ago when I was eager to hop on my bike or go for a 5 km walk seem very distant but I have to remind myself they were not that long ago and I CAN get back to that if I just slowly try to climb out of this hole.
I have even reduced my hours at work. I was telling myself it was so I could have more time to do the backyard but in reality I just despise being at work...well being away from home at all...and am finding it hard to cope with.
It feels better actually "saying" this stuff. I don't really feel like I have anyone I can be this honest with about whats going on right now so this is an outlet that I appreciate. I only have two close friends, one of whom is going through her hard times and the other who doesn't handle this kind of thing very well. I have lost contact with my sister and nieces and nephews so I have been a bit of an island now for a few years.
I know I could reestablish that relationship with my family but it was never terribly strong and they find my depression hard to understand, my sister in particular who never even really asks how I am. I assume because she is scarewd I will tell her.
My Mum suffered from depression as well (I am adopted so it's not a genetic thing) and my sister (who is 12 years older than me ) never could really get her head around it with Mum and now with me.
She was a nurse but for some strange reason she finds mental illness really hard to come to grips with and especially when it comes to immediate family. I don't really feel like I can be around her when I am not in a good state and and her husband is a bit of an ass about it as well.
I guess I am just really lonely and over time I have reduced my contacts in the outside world to a bare minimum.
I am not looking for answers here from anyone just a place to vent more than anything. And I hope me being honest and open about the crap I am going through at the moment might help someone else feel a little less alone with their own emotional struggles.
I am hoping that me feeling like doing this - being honest and open to people - is a sign that I am starting to come out of the other side of this thing. Usually I only tell people what is going on with me after the worst is over so fingers crossed
I am sorry this had to be so maudlin but I just felt the need to get this down somewhere and I know that this is a "safe place" for me
Hope you're all doing great and once I am feeling more myself I will be back and cheering you all on.