Hi Folks

I wish I could have been around more over the past couple weeks but have been dogged by depression and am struggling...really struggling at the moment.

Its so simple. I feel better when I get up and go and do some exercise or do anything really but I can barely drag myself out of bed or off the couch to do it.

Today so far has been better and I got a small amount of exercise this morning - so far so good.

Whats has been odd over the last few months is that all my emotions seem to be about a millimetre below the surface. I'll laugh out loud at something on TV - very unlike me usually - or find myself crying over the smallest thing. I get ragingly angry if I drop a spoon or fumble with a lid on a jar and feel so low sometimes all I want to do is curl up in a ball on the couch, which is where I seem to be spending much off my time. It seems that anything can tip me over the edge.

Just typing that last paragraph has bought tears to my eyes - I am kind of worried about where this is all headed. Some days I just feel like I am falling apart and I wonder if I am headed for some kind of breakdown. Hmmm that sounds rather dramatic doesn't it? It underscores the need for me to see someone professional.

Those days only a few months ago when I was eager to hop on my bike or go for a 5 km walk seem very distant but I have to remind myself they were not that long ago and I CAN get back to that if I just slowly try to climb out of this hole.

I have even reduced my hours at work. I was telling myself it was so I could have more time to do the backyard but in reality I just despise being at work...well being away from home at all...and am finding it hard to cope with.

It feels better actually "saying" this stuff. I don't really feel like I have anyone I can be this honest with about whats going on right now so this is an outlet that I appreciate. I only have two close friends, one of whom is going through her hard times and the other who doesn't handle this kind of thing very well. I have lost contact with my sister and nieces and nephews so I have been a bit of an island now for a few years.

I know I could reestablish that relationship with my family but it was never terribly strong and they find my depression hard to understand, my sister in particular who never even really asks how I am. I assume because she is scarewd I will tell her.

My Mum suffered from depression as well (I am adopted so it's not a genetic thing) and my sister (who is 12 years older than me ) never could really get her head around it with Mum and now with me.

She was a nurse but for some strange reason she finds mental illness really hard to come to grips with and especially when it comes to immediate family. I don't really feel like I can be around her when I am not in a good state and and her husband is a bit of an ass about it as well.

I guess I am just really lonely and over time I have reduced my contacts in the outside world to a bare minimum.

I am not looking for answers here from anyone just a place to vent more than anything. And I hope me being honest and open about the crap I am going through at the moment might help someone else feel a little less alone with their own emotional struggles.

I am hoping that me feeling like doing this - being honest and open to people - is a sign that I am starting to come out of the other side of this thing. Usually I only tell people what is going on with me after the worst is over so fingers crossed :)

I am sorry this had to be so maudlin but I just felt the need to get this down somewhere and I know that this is a "safe place" for me :)

Hope you're all doing great and once I am feeling more myself I will be back and cheering you all on.


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40 Replies

  • Dave, this is definitely a safe place. And you have done the right thing to open up and share how you feel with us. I'm also suspecting I am going through a depression phase although I'm a bit unsure, but yes reading through your ordeal somehow helps me too realise others can feel as I sometimes feel too.

    You say that you would need to see a professional. Have you taken any step towards doing that or not yet? Don't delay doing this.

    Sending you thoughts and support from afar.


  • Dave - sending hugs from across the waters. In the UK we have the Samaritans and Mind, great charities that you can just call or drop into - do you have anything equivalent to those where you are? I think if you're feeling like you want to talk, then go and talk - now might be the opportunity to do it. Also - keep trying to get out and do active things - not 5k bike rides, just walks now and then. Little things, as and when you can :)

  • Don't be alone Dave, seek professional help.

    Is it possible for you to join a club, it doesn't matter whether it's for gardening, cycling, or Morris dancing, just as long as you get some contact with other people.

    I know this is all much easier to say than do, but anything to stop the downward spiral would be good.

    Keep posting and we'll keep listening.

    Take care.

  • While waiting to see a professional, you could try reading about Stoicism. It's an ancient philosophy that has some ideas in common with cognitive behavioural therapy. I find it quite helpful.

    Remember - the bad feelings always pass in the end. Think of it as a mental 'flu.

    Keep strong.

  • Hi Dave, this too will pass and you will soon feel better. Hugs and best wishes from over here. be good to yourself .💐💐

  • Hiya Dave

    It's really a great thing that you can open up and albeit virtually state out loud how you're feeling. I was a Counsellor for many years and feel that you probably are in a state of depression right now and from everything you've said it's probably at the heart of all your problems so it could be a very good thing to seek help from a trained therapist.

    Most of the time I guess you either mask it by getting into the 'next big thing' that you hope will make the difference to the issue you're trying to address at that moment (lose weight, gain self conrol) or succumb to the urges that you use to cope with the dark times - food, drink whatever - but inevitably you end up almost back where you started.

    But life is a journey not a destination and as such we are meant to travel along it - open yourself up to a new way of being, of coping, of accepting the things we cannot change and bring in some light on new opportunities to see your world in a different way.

    Most people that know me dont know that I suffer from depression from time to time and from my own perspective I know what it's like to get swallowed by the dark and feel hopeless. Over the years I have learned to ask for and accept help to change my perspective and Boy! does it help - the reason I have'nt posted recently on here is that i too entered a dark space again - all the while going to work and brave facing it - and couldn't find my personal way out for a little while so i asked for some help from freinds and family I trust and got out of the worst of it. But I heard what you said too about a lack of supportive people around you - and you don't need me to tell you that that's not good - humans are supportive interactive beasts at heart though you wouldn't know it the way we organise our communities These Days!

    However there are supportive agencies & groups you can join where you can get help and support from like minded caring people - your mission (if you will accept it) is to ACTIVELY seek them out. Don't be alone Dave no-one should be.

    But it has to be within you to want to see yourself as being happy - I know that sounds a bit daft/silly but sometimes we do put ourselves down too much...

    I've gone on a bit and it's only my personal perspective but do take care of yourself and have a think again at how you might approach your sister - not as a person to support you but just as your sister - to re-engage - family is family no matter how dysfunctional.

    Love and inner peace

    Liz x

  • Dear Dave

    Please seek professional help. Just making that one step will make you feel stronger. You can then begin to address the other issues as you feel able.

    I need a good old wager again Dave but would rather like to give you a sporting chance at least!!!

    Big hugs as always and address this NOW! :)

  • Hi Dave!

    I can only echo what others have said - see a professional. I know you don't do well with anti-depressants, but talking therapy (counselling) with a professional must to be worth a try?

    You see this forum as a safe place to vent -and it is- but our advice will all be well meaning..... But might not be the right advice!

    A professional could help you to understand how your mind works, and may even be able to teach you how to lift yourself up when you start to feel down?

    What ever you do, just remember that there so many people here who may be thousands of miles away.....but we are still here for you - and we all care!!!!

    Keep posting!



  • Hi Dave thinking about you, take care!! Keep posting x

  • Hi Dave

    I've not been on much either but I know you can get through this my friend and you know where I am if you want to DM and have a good convo.

    Big man hug for you champ, dig in my friend, you can do it.

  • Wishing you well Dave, depression is awful I've been there.

    I don't think you are falling apart, just struggling with the world and life as it is, sometimes it just doesn't matter whatever happens to anyone else.

    Seek company, excercise and those that can laugh, cry and lift you back to where you want to be. Xx

  • So many replies Dave....just wanted to echo everyone here...thinking of you...Good for you to think about getting some professional important now cos you've been struggling for a few months, and all the self help ain't cutting it enough for you...

    Know that this is a safe place we know you care for you..

    Good luck, keep posting

  • Hi Good luck in feeling better, listen to these posts, stay strong and think positive, focus on what you can do, not what you can't. Small steps

  • Hi Dave

    I'm so sorry you have been feeling so incredibly low recently. If I could transport a thousands hugs to you over the internet they would be there right now.

    Depression is a hard one as people are very scared that they will do or say the wrong thing, then this will make matters worse for the person who is suffering. I'm sure your sister cares deeply but doesn't know what to say to you to make things better so does the age old thing nothing.

    Have you tried talking to your friends, I know you think they will not be able to help you or cope but you would be amazed how resilient people are.

    I know how hard on a personal basis it is to find a better place in your head for yourself. I had a breakdown when I was a teenager and continue to work very hard to stay afloat. If I can do it I am positive you can as I can feel your fighting spirit bursting out.

    Your post has inspired me to stop looking at posts and think about writing again on the site.

    All the love and best wishes and of course those 1000 hugs

    Take care of yourself and remember you are worth everything :):):)

    Jo x

  • Dave, I feel for you at this very difficult time. The main thing to remember, is the depression will pass and it will come back again. advice given by Lowcal and others is the best course of action; seek professional help. Don't go it alone. Many of us either experience or know someone who suffers from clinical depression and understand what a complex illness it is. None of us will have a cure, which is why you must seek professional help.

    Getting diagnosis and professional help can take some time, so don't dare give up, don't take no for an answer! Katie35 mentioned reading Stoicism, which is a very good suggestion.

    One thing you can do for yourself while awaiting proper diagnosis and treatment is, keep a daily diary. I know someone who has been doing that for over ten years. By keeping a diary, it helps to identify what triggers your good days and bad days. It helps identify people who contribute to your depression or happiness. It would be of great assistance to a professional Counselor and help in selecting the appropriate treatment.

    Feel free to dismiss all my advice as I'm not a professional, indeed I think I may have caught a dose of OCD .................. I just can't seem to stop counting CALORIES. LOL

    Dave, you can control this thing, enjoy the fight and you will win.

    Another man hug from me too :)

  • Dave, you have *great* insight on your side - not everyone who struggles with depression is able to be as perceptive as you are about what is going on, what is in the mix. You know that you have lots of knowledge and tools which are helpful in dealing with these issues, but you recognise that there are many signs that you now need some professional support and fast. Getting it is a sign of wisdom and strength.

    Sadly it isn't unusual for health professionals to struggle to deal appropriately with mental illness, especially not in those close to them. Again it is a really positive sign that you can see that this is your sister's limitation not yours, and discern who can and cannot help you at this point in time.

  • Well done Dave! Difficult to talk about (I know!) but you are not alone. I get like this too from time to time and just have to wait for it to pass and lean on people in the meantime.

    Professional help is definitely a good move, I have been to my local Priory Hospital a few times. I also find it helpful to google for videos and quotes about depression because it reminds me that there are literally millions of us going through the same thing and then it doesn't seem quite so frightening.

    A xxx

  • I can't really give advice, but can send you hugs, lots of them. Xx

  • Depression is not fun. I too suffer. I am hoping that I am emerging from it. It has been at the root is my weight gain. Stick around it may just work.

  • Hi Dave,

    Sending you a virtual hug across the miles, to add the the thousands of hugs that are already coming your way (I saw Jo4950 sent a 1000) and that lots of others have also sent you them too. Wishing you some better moments and days ahead - and hope you know you've got lots of pals here in this forum and community who are thinking of you.

    I think Tewson's suggestion of keeping a diary could be helpful - depending if you feel it might help you. I think different mediums of communication work for different people - and sometimes writing things down, or maybe doing some Art could be therapeutic, but similarly having a walk and breathing the fresh air and thinking about nature could be good too. Like Ruth said, doing the little things - building up some good routines that feel safe and grounding can help.

    If you do decide to seek professional support, then make sure you feel comfortable with your therapist, as often it is the therapeutic relationship that is beneficial, alongside their particular therapeutic orientation of course. Being able to talk to them, and feel able to open up, but at the same time feeling that they are alongside you and empathic with your therapeutic journey.

    Really good that you've felt able to post, and I think that your posts have and will help many people who are facing emotional issues to know they're not alone. I think we can all relate to something you've said - and I'd like you to know that your posts have certainly helped me. I can procrastinate sometimes, and your posts about organising your back yard (the one with the list) certainly helped me to get on with some things I'd been putting off.

    Hope today is a better day. I hope you don't feel too squashed by all our virtual hugs, hopefully they'll arrive hug by hug rather than all at once! :-)

    Lowcal :-)

  • Hi Dave our lives seem to be running parallel,your experiences with depression are very similar to my own and I too have lost touch with my family. Please get some professional help I had cognative behavioural therapy along side some meds and it worked quite well, it made me understand that I'm not always responsible for things that go wrong in my life, as I have a habit of blaming myself for everything . I truly understand every thing your feeling please keep posting so we know your ok, big hugs to you I will be thinking about you x

  • Hi Dave,

    Sorry to hear you are feeling so low I can definitely identify with how you are feeling. I think the responses you have received shows how much people can understand what you are going through and can be supportive and it's really important to try and have connections with people. I have found that doing an exercise class has been helpful because it gives me some friendly interaction with people even if it's a smile here or conversation there.

    It does definitely sound like you could do with some professional help and it's great that you've identified this step for yourself. Talking to your GP and telling them how you are feeling as it's important they know as they can help such as referring you to IAPT which is a talking therapy with a counsellor who will also help by giveing you the tools to help overcome your depression. F you don't feel comfortable speaking to your GP I believe you can also self refer so you could try googling IAPT in your local area and they may have a website where you can contact them. There can be a waiting but please don't be put off by this.

    I wish you all the best and take care of yourself.


  • Hi Dave

    I'm feeling down too at the moment, autumn leading to winter not a good time. I have family problems which I think are at back of this period of depression. My analyst teaches me to problem solve when I worry as it's normal but just needs perspective, this helps me. I find when I get depressed it's because I'm overwhelmed with the crap and I have had a lot to deal with. Sounds like you have to. We mustn't be hard on ourselves I'm going out today to meet up with a group of people I don't know as they wont know I'm sufffering and hopefully it will help. I fully know what it's like to shut yourself off I do it too.If you live London there is a Meetup group for people with depression:

    Take care and get well soon we know it will pass ;-)

  • <<<<HUGS>>> :-)

  • Hi Dave, sorry to read about your plight. Wish there was something I could say to help but all I can do is share as honestly with you (as you have been ) what happened to me a while back. My wife left me very suddenly and without warning, one day she was with me, the next day she was gone. There had been no lead up to this, no arguments, no discussion - she decided to do what she did without any reference to me. It was as though she had suddenly died and was gone. I was heartbroken and couldn't go into work for 6 weeks, depressed, panic attacks, anti social - just curling up and staying in my dark cave. The route to better mental health for me was a very supportive GP and taking more steps to connect with other people. Even going to the cinema alone it felt I was with a crowd sharing something together, sitting in a pub reading a paper, joining a yoga class, chatting to folk on the allotment - all helped me to reconnect with the world. There was also a very good series of meditations on line (and free) through the website 'Meditation Oasis' - I listened to the one on 'loneliness' many times and it really helped as it suggested feeling lonely is the gateway to making new connections that feeling lonely was the first step to a new path. I found that thought very reassuring.

    Good luck, hope things work out for you and you start to feel better soon.

  • OMG Rich - aghast reading your story. How could she be so heartless - not to even give you an explanation? Has she ever got in contact since?

    Just wanted to say congrats for leaving the dark cave and meeting new people - its so hard to do it.


  • Hi Lizzy, yes she did contact me a couple of years later. She had entered a gay relationship but her new civil partner had suddenly left her - and she realised what it felt like and phoned up to apologise, which was good of her. All part of life's rich tapestry! And maybe a bit of 'what goes around, comes around!' :)

  • Dave - you found the courage to post on here, the next step is find the courage to seek professional help. You cannot cope with this alone and that's okay!

    Keep on posting if you can - miss your wit and miss Bert!

    :) :) :)

  • Hi Dave,

    Really glad you posted, it is good to have somewhere to get things off your chest. Would really suggest you go see someone. You recognise this yourself and please don't feel ashamed about seeking help, you are not allow.

    You say you have a friend that is going through hard times as well. My friend was going through hard times at the same time as me and although we stay a couple of hours drive away from each other the one thing that was really good was that although we were both going through difficult times we pulled ranks and supported each other. First it was through phone calls and emails as neither of us were able to drive, but even that was good as we both had someone who understood. We've met up several times, talked till our throats are sore about everything not just our problems, we've cried a lot and even laughed about how things have been with us. The support we have given each other definitely helped and we compared what was working for each of us.

    Also, I found that on the days I could, just doing a little even if it was only washing my tea cup was something that I noted down as a success. Once I admitted I had a problem and although I was really tired and just wanted to sleep all the time and be left alone, when I could I did a little to try and get back my happy feelings. It has taken a lot of hard work and some really really bad days, but you will get there. I personally found that I was lucky that my doctor understood and was very patient with me. He took the extra time that I needed to help me understand why he was suggesting the medication he gave me and why it would help, rather than just giving me pills. I fought taking the medication for a while, but ended up so desperate that I took it. Glad I followed his advise cause I am so much better now. Once I was not feeling so tired he took my thoughts and feelings on board and got me signed up for a CBT program on depression and also a Stress Control class, which helped.

    I had to start off slowly with being able to get out of the house as that really panicked me and it's been a slow path back to being able to go out, get exercise and to get back to my sports club (which I still find very stressful and I do still find myself shaking and just wanting to go home, but I stay as I know that it will get better). Some days it takes me hours to get ready to leave the house to get the shopping or go to my sports club. I have goals that I set myself each day and if I have a bad day I read over my successes as I keep a diary and I always remind myself of what I am grateful for on a daily basis.

    It is good to have somewhere to get things off your chest and don't be ashamed of crying and feeling emotions. I come from a family who don't cry, but I have found my tears to be therapeutic.

    Take it one day at a time and one task at a time. You'll get there.

    Take care.

  • I too suffer from depression and firmly believe it is what has caused me to gain so much weight over the past 5 years. I would stay at home and comfort eat.

    It took me a long time to seek professional help, but now I wish I had done it sooner as it has been so helpful. I now have a great team behind me and can see a way forward. I no longer self-medicate with food and take prescribed meds which help regulate my moods and encourage a good night's sleep, so I feel more energetic through the day.

    Thank you for opening up about this subject, it is good to see so many talking about it on here as I think it affects a lot of people (one in four). It looks like you have a lot of people here behind you, so feel encouraged that we are all wishing the best for you.

    Please keep us updated!

  • Hey Dave!

    Funny enough lately I have been feeling this for a couple of months now. I lost a stone a few months ago and gained it back. Since then, I have been avoiding people, my university and every good thing around me. Only a few weeks ago I was in bed for straight 4 days without any reason. However when I leave the house, I feel fine and can do anything. Luckily, I have a really good support system from church and other friends

    . But sometimes people tell me the same old thing(which is helpful, but doesn't seem to make a difference in my life)

    I may be wrong, but when you said that when you get out of the house and do stuff, things are fine. I feel like that place is close to finding your answers and peace. Maybe when you wake up, instead of thinking about anything, quickly read a positive affirmation and just get yourself out of the house because if you start thinking while in the house, you will be stuck in the same place again. That's what I am starting to do, I read positive stuff and force myself to leave the house and go to the library/ gym and when I come home I can think, but atleast I would have done what I needed to on the day.

    I am here if you ever want to chat. We are all in this together and we will succeed. Always know that YOU are in control of your mind and body and actions. If you feel depressed, confused, know that you are powerful enough to change it! And if it is very difficult, then I suggest you find a counsellor, personal trainer, a good support system that push you to be productive etc

    All the best!

  • Salve Dave! Caesar has gone to ground over the problem of a new villa in the countryside away from the busy streets of Rome central. Titus and Lucius (not sure if anyone is with me there) have announced that villas are so yesterday but they're only saying that to placate me and keep me from fighting on the streets of the Aventine. Either way until I sell my place in town the green fields and TV mast will have to stay a wild fantasy in my noble imagination.

    Estate agents, pah!

    (Enough of that fanciful prattling for now - I hope you're starting to feel a bit better as the day proceeds.)

  • Hi Dave. I just wanted to say a big well done for being real about how you feel, and taking the big step of sharing that here. I thought I'd share right back. For years I've used food to stuff down uncomfortable feelings. That took me a while to work out! Then as I got aware I found the feelings came bubbling up close to the surface, and wow! they seemed huge, unending and unmanageable. Floods of tears watching a stupid advert, acres of rage over silly little things. I started with the anger, because I couldn't just go on like that. I picked a safe place and then just let it go, really felt it and expressed it. If anyone had seen me punching bolsters, screaming at the top of my voice and more they would probably have locked me up and thrown away the key. The anger kept coming in waves. A big yelling and thumping moment, then a rest feeling quiet, then another bout of yelling and thumping. It felt as if I'd never stop, but I kept going. Know what happened? I ended up giggling like a little kid and feeling light, wonderful. After a few weeks another layer gradually came to the surface and I released that too. Those feelings have been released, they haven't come back. I get angry from time to time now but it's clear why it's there, feels natural and expressing it appropriately (and importantly satisfyingly at a safe time later if needed) has worked wonders. I can sit quite comfortably with anger now, it's a friend that lets me know someone is stepping across my boundaries.

    Of course the journey goes on, because a lot of that anger was squashing down a lot of grief and loss, so now I'm releasing that too. It feels like an ocean of pain, but I'm choosing to let it go, bucket by bucket. It too currently feels huge, unmanageable and scary - as if feeling it would mean being completely lost forever in a big sobbing heart wracked puddle forever...... Sounds familiar doesn't it? Just the way the anger did. So I'm doing what I need to do to feel it, acknowledge it and then let it go forever in little manageable buckets.

    It would be great if families and friends could help, but very often they're the source of a lot of this stuff. As I've let a lot of this stuff go I find I'm more positive, more relaxed, and more resilient to the inevitable, ever changing ups and downs of life.

    All the best on your journey. Well done for not putting on a front, losing yourself in meaningless activities to cover it over. Get all the help you need - but make sure you don't try to intellectualise your feelings, that kind of therapy is another way of stuffing things down. Realising in a thinking way that 'x' happening to you meant 'y' and leaving it there doesn't cut it. Find a good therapist you feel safe with and get to feel and let go of those raw emotions.

    Good luck.

  • Dave across the oceans and mountains I sm sending huggz...chin up, these things happen. You reaching out in this forum and writing about your feelings is the first step towards recovery now the ssecond is to push yourself out to a professional someone Who will help you further...but we are here to talk and vent out to, use this platform.

  • Hello, it is hard and you will get out of it. Winter does not help, however, Christmas on its way and then spring!!! it is not all doom and gloom and we have all had our moments.

    What is your work?

  • Crikey Dave, you must be the most hugged man ever. And here,s another one to add to them. Keep posting, you,re never alone here. Xx

  • Hello Dave

    Please seek some professional help and support asap. It's great that you can write about your feelings here and that must be a brat step forward. I think we all have a 'safe' feeling when we post as we're all here to support each other. I suffer from depression from time to time and try not to let anyone see it, but it's such a relief to post it here. In fact, isn't it amazing that there are so many of us with weight problems who seem to suffer from depression. I wonder which comes first, the weight problem or the deprssion. If you can get out, and it's important that you do, try to smile and speak to people - even a stranger just saying hello and smiling back can be a big help. but the very best of luck with this, and keep posting. X

  • Hey Dave

    I havent read through all the replies so i am sorry if i am repeating anything. Depression (and Mental illness) is still such a taboo subject, firstly you have been brave putting yourself out that and we appreciate you sharing how you are feeling. I know from people that suffer with depression in my family that this time of year

    (dark nights, christmas coming) is always worse for them, it may well be affecting you too.

    Realising you have a problem is the first step to getting better, i would urge you to speak to someone, i think Mind are fantastic in their support of people struggling with mental illness.

    You are not alone. Take it one day at a time. Talk to someone, even if its posting on here, its a start to getting better. Try and get out on sunny days (i am assuming you live in the UK). Every little step will help you feel stronger.

    Good luck

  • Dear Dave, I'm sorry to hear you've not been well. I hope you take comfort from the many message of support posted here. Be kind to yourself during this time.

  • Depression is a difficult subject, it's one of those problems where it is hard to pinpoint the exact cause and find a solution. It's also one of those things where you feel guilty about it because your life seems better than most and everyone thinks you should just be grateful for what you have and stop moaning.

    There is no way to explain that, although you are seemingly more fortunate than others, there are days when you have no interest in life. Nothing excites you and everything you do just feels like a systematic approach to life.

    Wake up, shower, dress, go to work, go home, change, eat, sleep, start again.

    Someone once told me I will never be happy because I always want what I don't have.

    I am not sure if there is anything that can make you happy - but I guess the best way to deal with it is to take it 1 day at a time. Find things that distract you, keep yourself busy.

    Do charity work or something that allows you to help others (I've always found making other people happy, makes me happy)

    The most important thing is to have people around you, don't isolate yourself and find some community center that might offer help.

    Good Luck

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