Cry or swear!!

So angry at my son in law, who we have always considered our 2nd son and helped him through so many problems/cancer too and what does he do?? Just before Christmas left my daughter and grandchildren and now living with a work colleague with children younger than his own. Went to solicitor with my daughter yesterday as he has already dropped money down he was giving her and it seems even though he left the marital home he is sitting high and fine in all ways!!! My daughter has to be the one to take action and if he doesn't agree to mediation then its the courts. What has really got to me today is my hubby and I drove past the house he shares with the "home wrecker" and his car was outside. Nice modern house whilst he left his own old house in a mess. Think it brought it home to the both of us, hubby obviously upset by shouting at me whilst I stuffed my face with chocolate bars today and G&T's with crisps last night. Its just not fair-I'm taking it out on myself when I want to give him a mouthful and smack him and her so hard. Needed to put this down in writing as it was eating away at me, its no good trying to talk to my hubby because he just doesn't/can't do that sort of thing. I was doing my ironing and thoughts/emotions were just going around in my head, made myself a choc drink to pacify urge to start picking again and then decided to write on here. Glad I did, feel better now, don't feel so bad now. Sorry to have used this page to get this out of my system but if I hadn't I'd probably have kept pigging out.

55 Replies

  • Wow that's awful what he did. It's better to get it all out though instead of keeping it inside. Is your daughter definitely going to take action? I hope she does.

    It is easy to blame the other woman and call her a home wrecker and to be honest I don't blame you but at the end of the day he is the one at fault as it was him that decided to cheat? And leave your daughter.

    Think of it as her getting a lucky escape as if he left her for another woman I doubt he'll stay with the one he is with now and will probably just keep moving to different women. It's better for her that she is rid of that lowlife.

    Anyway don't beat yourself up about it and don't eat so much sugar lol you'll do yourself some damage.

    I really hope your daughter goes through the process to get the right amount of money from him to help look after the children even if it has to go to court, they tend to side more with the mums so she should win that case.

    It is just a shame that that all happened, it's never a nice thing.

  • So true! but she knew he was married, she is divorced and obviously had no thought of breaking up another marriage. The solicitor was really nice, we only had the free 30mins but will probably go with this guy's company especially as he said he spends a lot of time in court with this sort of thing. I can't see my SIL agreeing to mediation, he's a stubborn bugger!!

  • Yes exactly the other woman wouldn't care if he was married or not. I just hope that he gets what he deserves (dog poop through the letterbox lol I'm kidding) your daughter will be fine she has her parents looking after her as we can clearly see. Like the other lady said it will get easier.

  • Hi I can sympathise with you as same thing happened to my daughter.Husband went off with a younger woman with 2 little girls and then had baby with her.He has 2 beautiful little girls already .My husband is still very angry with him 3 years later but we have to accept he is still the children's father,so will always be in our lives.It does get easier with time but you never forget what he put your daughter through.X

  • How is your daughter now? Mine is going through lots of tears, anger, frustration at the moment, drinking far too much wine I think and swearing to much!!! We saw him at my granddaughters ballet show, I walked away and blanked him, not regretted it. My husband was annoyed with himself cos he acknowledged him when he looked at him. She was really upset when he wanted to introduce the other woman to my grandchildren and as expected wouldn't let him meet her and her kids. He is turning out to be a real B!!

  • Don't apologise for venting out on here, it's quite therapeutic smashing out all your feelings onto the keys isn't it?!

    He sounds like an a**hole, it's one thing for a marriage to breakdown, sad but it happens, but to cheat and then dick around with maintenance and leaving her in a crappy situation? He's not a man in my opinion!! I can understand why your upset!

    Anyway, you eating a load of sugar is not going to make it any better, you will end up feeling worse, you will feel better if you control the things that are within your control, concentrate your efforts on supporting your daughter.

    Also, someone on here gave me the advise to lay face down on my bed and punch the pillows/mattress and scream into the pillow. OK, I realise this sounds super crazy (and if you did it with anyone else in earshot you might get committed) but I tried it when I was really stressed and it does actually work! I ended up a crying mess but I felt so much better afterwards, I think it just helps to get all that frustration and anger out!

    I hope your daughter manages to get everything sorted out through the solicitors, she's lucky to have such a caring and supportive mum to help her through it all.

    Best wishes x

  • You are so right Anna999. Writing on here today has turned out to be therapeutic -he is a DH too, he's left behind so much and he never said why. He even denied there was another woman to me and my daughter too, that is until my daughters friend investigated, apparently similar thing had happened to her and within a few weeks she had found out were the other woman lived etc. Fortunately my daughter has a good group of friends/work colleagues to support her as well as us but it does get to her. She was crying down the phone for about 30mins+ the other night. Everyone was so surprised when it happened cos they seemed so perfect together. Hubby & I will probably end up paying for solicitor/mediation/court and hope we can claim it back off him when its all sorted in the courts.

  • He is obviously a coward for not just being honest with her if he wasn't happy in their marriage. It seems some men don't grow out of thinking between their legs rather than between their ears!! Must be upsetting for the kids to have all this going on too! Your daughter will get through it with the support of you and her friends, it's not easy but life will go on and she will find happiness again🌸

  • Im sorry to hear your going through a rough time, its better you get it out of your system and vent on here instead of bingeing as you will only feel worse. I hope the solicitor can help your daughter sort it all out, i know it can be stressful especially with kids involved, be there for her but try not to take her grief on as your own as you will only feel worse

  • Will try not too.Thanks

  • Thanks everyone for your support and comments of reassurance, writing on here before did me a world of good as I got my feelings out. Since writing earlier I've been sensible and not pigged out. Just hope the past 24hrs hasn't totally blown my diet for the week gone, wish I didn't overeat when I'm upset/angry etc!! Wish I was one of those people who didn't overeat/drink when I'm upset, least I wouldn't have to worry about weight then!!

  • I know, I always say this, wish I was one of those who just couldn't eat when I'm stressed... I'd be so slim lol! I'm sure one blowout will not have ruined all your hard work, our back on track now and that's what matters😊 stay positive 🌸

  • Fingers crossed!

  • I'm so sorry to hear of your and your daughters situation. I know you see and feel this other woman as a home recker but it's not her fault, who knows what he told this woman when they first met??? Don't take it out on yourself obviously he wasn't the one who would be fit for your daughter or grandchildren. Unfortunately in this world today thing are different and responsibility and commitment are different now, 😥 but your daughter deserves better and one day she will find someone who can commit and be a real father to her children. Don't beat yourself up, it's not your or your daughters fault, just a mistake that's not worth either of your time. Instead of turning to food maybe turn to yoga or dance classes to work off the excess energy.... Or if you prefer running etc.... Don't do this to yourself I did and now I'm paying for it. As a counsellor I suggest you seek help from either a counsellor or if your religious a priest/reverend. Look after yourself and family. Anger, jealously and regret will get you no where. Believe me I've been in your daughters position. If you wish to message me to talk I'm here i am a woman padre in the COE and a counsellor.

    Take care and God bless.

    Baby legion (Elizabeth) xx

  • thanks baby legion [Elizabeth]

  • This is a big shock and very unfair. You are only in control of how you manage yourself in this unjust situation. When something upsetting happened to me I initially ate and drank but then started walking and running. I found this gave me the time to process and decide how I wanted to deal with the problem. I also lost weight and felt better in myself. Good luck

  • thanks-back to exercise tomorrow

  • Jenica, don't give up on yourself. You are in a bad place at the moment but don't get deeper and deeper in. It is good you let your frustration out. It cleans you out. Let it fly. But then regroup. Re-organise your life. Have a brainstorm and decide which direction you want to go. Where do you see yourself in two, five or ten years time. one thing is to be "happy" so get stuck into this 12 week plan, get into some healthy ways and into fitness. Get your daughter involved. As a family, try to move on. Forget the ex. Don't ruin your life because of him. Turn the whole situation into a positive. Keep in control of you life because you are important. Move away if it is best. Breeze some fresh and clean air away from unhappiness. In the future, you can then say : "it all started a while back because my daughter's ex........... I decided to do....... And went forward..... And look at me now, whoop woooop... I am beautiful, happy and healthy".

    It is your life and yours only, so chin up and show the world you can do it.

  • Love those lost last few sentences nhs2015-thanks

  • You have absolutely done the right thing. My daughter is five years on from divorcing and has never received any money from the father of her 2 gorgeous girls. The mediation was rubbish and the court was no better. He is self employed (in cash) and regularly under-declares and there's nothing to be done about it. The tax and benefit authorities don't pursue him, he's considered small fry. But 5 years on my daughter has worked hard and is making her way despite all this. It was DEVASTATING at the time but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. And what goes round comes round. He may not be "sitting pretty" as time goes on. He's shown the world what sort of person he is and if he cheats once, he'll cheat again! I know it sounds crass but try to focus on channelling your anger towards helping your daughter. You're wasting your time on a loser! All the best.

  • Gillibrite, So sorry to hear the mediation and courts didn't help your daughter-how is she now? has she family/married again? Funnily enough my daughter had said soon after he left that he'd either bankrupt himself or do something so he didn't have to give her any money and she's right. He's already dropped the money he was giving her, she has heard that he has put in for voluntary redundancy too. I was really upset when he left as he was like a son, or so I thought!! but in hindsight he's not treated his own mother well in the past. My daughter and grandchildren are our priority now and we'll try and sort things out for them. He's the loser long term, I hope!!!

  • I am so sorry and after reading all the comments above, which I totally agree with, there is nothing more I can add. Look after YOU, you must! Its not selfish its survival. Wish I could add some healing to the situation, but it will heal in time.

  • It never ceases to amaze me how some people male and female can trade off one set of children for another so easily. I have many issues surrounding my ptsd but I have never left my children. In fact they are often my reason for getting up and continuing to fight. Your daughter will blossom eventually after the pain has gone. I agree with canzz2533 usually if they cheat once they cheat again until they are too old to do so.

    It happened to me when my youngest was 7 (18 now). I will never forget the physical pain. He said he was terminally ill and when he said he was going to hospital he was really going to a hotel. I was so stupid. Believed every word he said. The vital thing is to always allow contact. Usually the children make their own decisions about absent parents and are under no illusions.

    I wish your daughter and your family well. Sometimes life feels like an endless amount of crap. We would rather be hurt ourselves than watch our children in pain. No matter how old they are. :)

  • I agree with what you said about always allow contact for the kids. It doesn't sound as if your daughter would be one to not let them see their dad but just make sure that she rises above whatever he does and doesn't let the children suffer even though she is upset and angry.

  • canzz2533 - She is the one phoning him to arrange to come and see the kids, its makes her mad that he isn't a "father" as he should be. She doesn't allow him in the house now, the kids go out to his car.

  • I'm glad she does that. If he refuses to see them or makes it difficult get your daughter to make note of it to use at the mediation or in court.

    Instead of getting the kids to go to the car maybe arrange a day when the dad takes them out? That way your daughter gets some time to herself and she hasn't got to see him and the kids get to spend more time with their dad. That's just a suggestion though only you guys know what's best.

  • Its his car they go to and he does take them out, usually his mother or sisters house!! He wasn't in touch with them until he left my daughter but obviously now its convenient for him. He's a user!!

  • Deffo a user, but because it's his parents and sister they won't turn him away. Just keep a note of it all, as I said in the previous message if he makes it difficult or refuses to see them then log it in a diary for the courts.

    How are you and your daughter now?

  • Well as expected I put weight on this week just because of pigging out.! But hopefully get my act together again today and rest of week. My daughter has her moments, she is getting quotes of jobs he should have done or started and then left. But it will all have to go on hold cos its expensive and the mediation has to come first, got another solicitor visit on thursday then we'll get the ball rolling. She has kept text messages he has sent for future reference if needed.

  • Main thing is you're all ok :) don't worry bout the jobs around the house.

    Fingers crossed it all works out for your daughter

  • Thanks canzz2533, we've had bathroom priced and thats £2000, then the hall,stairs and landing need walls skimming. He should have done these things over the years but just got remortgaged for what??? He's left my daughter in mess but as you said these are going to have to wait-mediation next, if he agrees otherwise its the court!!

  • I hope he agrees to mediation there's no reason he shouldn't it would be much easier.

  • Fingers crossed but he is stubborn and does what he wants!

  • OMG Margaret55 that is an awful thing to tell you just so he could go to a hotel. I bet you wish he had been!!! You're right about the children, he sees them but even at their age they are very protective of their mum. In the early days they use dot act up after seeing him but now they are fine. It doesn't matter how old your children are you hurt for them and are always there for them, thats what mums are for!!

  • Hi Jenica

    Unfortunately we cannot help who we fall in love with. Even when the warning signs are there we often ignore them. The most important thing - as well as the children- is whilst your daughter is in a vulnerable state she does not take this man back. It would be the easiest thing to do. But I guarantee he will do it again. I took my sons dad back the first time and five years later he did it again only the embellishments of dying were a new twist. I really never saw that coming. Your daughter has you and your family for support. I had no parents to help me so I am pretty sure she will be fine and stronger when she moves away from this experience. I would always tell myself there are no regrets without this unhappy mistake I would not have my lovely boys. x

  • Thats what we say, we wouldn't have 2 beautiful kids/grandchildren and long term he will miss out on all that. My daughter will defy not have him back.

  • My middle son and his partner are going to have my first grandchild in December. A bit of nice stuff for this forum. :) :)

    I have my PIP (Disability) assessment tomorrow for my ptsd. Not looking forward to it but definitely going to brave the hour long bus journey and city centre. Not sure what to expect.

  • Good luck I'm sure you will be fine. Exciting news for Dec and grandchildren are amazing, just totally different to when you had your own children LOL. I love having ours and they are such great kids.

  • If I was the other woman then I would be VERY afraid.......he's acted like this towards your daughter & I would take a bet that he will do exactly the same to this woman.

    Quiet dignity my love...quiet dignity..

  • Leopard doesn't change his spots. Your right, he was with an older woman when my daughter first met him and he was engaged to another woman too.

  • I'm very sorry to hear of the unhappy time you and your family are suffering. This situation effects you all in different ways because you're all coming at it from a different angle. As a Mother, of course you're angry and want to lash out, this is your daughter, doesn't matter how old our children are they are still our babies and when anyone hurts them we want to hurt them back...and some! This man has had a tremendously negative impact on your life already, don't let him control any more of your life by spoiling your healthy lifestyle, I've read what everyone else has said and there's some really good advice about getting your frustration and anger out, (punching the pillow etc.). This is a difficult and emotional time for all of your family, I can empathise as I've been there, I know how difficult it can get but I also know you can rise above it and believe me there are happy days ahead once you have moved on in your lives without this selfish man having a negative and damaging effect on you all. Please don't let this man cause you any further pain, don't let it divide you and your husband, men and women deal with this type of thing very differently, my husband goes into a big silent phase when something goes wrong, whereas I want to talk it to death! Don't let your daughter's husband win, carry on with your lives, let him see you neither want nor need him in your lives. I wish your family a very happy future and although some days may seem very dark, you will get through it. Best wishes to you all.

  • Thanks Jenever, my husband is the same-doest speak or shouts to stop me talking, he keeps things inward which is quite frustrating hence my writing the post-I just need to get it out my system and it has worked to a degree although unfortunately can't see me losing weight on tuesday.

  • With problems like that, you need to talk. So if the forum helps go for it.

  • Its so true mum1955 writing on here has been so therapeutic and I can't thank everyone enough for their words of advice and support-its been amazing!!

  • Hi Jenica,

    You, your daughter and husband are obviously hurting, confused and feeling betrayed.

    Please remember that a solicitor will let you vent your pain but you will be paying for his/her time. Friends and charity organisations are free.

    You can't change him or 'the other woman' but you can change your own thoughts.

    Sometimes its best to redirect your thoughts (easier said than done I know).

    If you are both feeling energised and you fancy it you could get your husband to take the children to something fun (it will make him feel he is included) and the pair of you clear out his wardrobe and stuff and have a big spring clean and paint the walls, fresh matching linen on the bed, make the place a fresh and inviting space. It will give you both something positive to do. It wont change anything but it will result in a cleaner friendlier environment with fewer reminders of someone absent and it will make your daughter feel she has reclaimed her space.

    If it works out pick another room and go for it.

    Plus you can't eat and paint at the same time.

    Hope you don't think that this is interfering nonsense just trying to redirect your pain.

  • We are planning this at the moment Arthrath. She has had walls stripped down because he didn't put a lot of money/work into the house in all the years he lived there, its going to be costly so it is one step at a time. The fear is we put money into the house and she loses it cos he won't pay money and she is left struggling with kids, mortgage etc. He is such an idiot and does seem to even care what he has done!!!

  • Hi Jenica

    I have always been helped by the CSA as far as money is concerned. He is obviously a liar and a cheat. Do not rely on him to pay. If he works there is no hiding from your financial responsibilities. If he does not pay they will do an attachment to his earnings. My sons father is still paying now and will until his son is 21. That will make them both wake up and smell the grim realities of life. xx

  • Fingers crossed, we think he is living in his own little world at the moment and doesn't seem to think he is in the wrong and he can do what he likes i.e. already dropped her money down hence solicitor visit and mediation if he agrees, if not its the court!

  • Having been in the same situation as your daughter (maybe a little worse as was 30 weeks pregnant and he cleaned bank account out and I had 2 small kids as well) let me tell you the weasel will come crawling back when he realises that the grass isn't greener!!!! I wish you and your family strength at this sad and disrupting time. I hope you and your daughter can see that this "man" is not worth the time of day. I know its hard but stick to your goals this man is not worth the pain and disruption he has caused to you all. Good luck Jenica, this weight loss is hard enough without this kind of setback for you. x

  • JuliaM72 Hope you don't mind my saying/swearing but what a right shit your husband was!!! I hope you are in a good place now with your family? My daughter won't have her husband back again, it is hard for her and after reading about another mum's daughter had found mediation and the courts of no use I am concerned for her and my grandchildren, but I'm not going to tell her that, she has enough on her mind as it is. I am trying not to pig out but not expecting any weight loss this week sadly. We're going to see another solicitor on thursday then decide when to get things moving.

  • Thank you Jenica, I wasn't after sympathy I'm well past my experience was just sharing to show that you will come through it . I was trying to express that it's hard now but your family and especially your daughter needs a positive attitude to get through this. The only thing I will say is that if she is seeing a solicitor to start divorce proceedings make sure that all the financial stuff including maintenance is arranged through the solicitor. I didn't bother and maintenance has been either non existent or not enough when it has been paid. If it's done through the solicitor he has to make the payments. The CSA were totally rubbish in my case. I hope you can all stay positive and don't let this weasel of a man ruin your lives. Best of luck and stay positive.

  • We will defy use solicitor JuliaM72-he's already dropped her money and just says it is for kids and mortgage yet the solicitor says money he gives her has nothing to do with mortgage. Apparently its for kids and daughter, if we get it in writing on mediation [if he goes!] then my daughter still has the worry of not keeping up payments and losing the house!! He is the one in good position-so frustrating and annoying, he gets away with it all!!

  • It's the best way to go. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and wish I'd done it. Get what your daughter is due and needs for her and the kids. Not all men are the same but he sounds like the kind of man that is just out for himself and doesn't care what happens to his family. Good luck x

  • Its amazing how people to turn out to be rats in the end! Hopefully it all turns out for the best with mediation but I doubt it, your right think he is just out for himself. Thanks JuliaM72

  • Can I say a bit thank you to everyone who responded when I needed to vent my anger/frustration. You have been brilliant with suggestions and support. I hope we have a good outcome, my daughter is strong with good friends and we'll all keep doing our best for her and the grandchildren. Bless you all xx

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