25 stone and scared!

hi there, well the title says it all heres a breakdown

im 44 years of age and yes the above weight clothes size 24+ I am in a complicated relationship where my husband of 16 years this year is living with one of our friends whose got a lot of problems herself - no affair going off she is 67 and not as strong as she likes to think she is - I have a fantastic son who is from my first marriage he is 25 almost 6ft and a heart attack waiting to happen due to cholesterol level as he works in a pub as a bar man and also the pub dj

right then my break down

I was never really what you call stick slim like you see on todays catwalks - I wish that was so - but I haven't always been this grossly overweight I actually used to be a comfortable 10-14 although I doubt ever going back to a 10 the 14-16 range I wouldn't mind

I left home at age 18 and within a year I had met, married gave birth and nearly got divorced and if that is not a whirlwind I don't know what is

I say nearly as I stood by my first husband for 9 faithful years whilst he on the other hand went wherever and go it elsewhere

if the house we lived in wasn't show home clean I had it coming to me big time and got it on more than one occasion

one day a friend of mine phoned me in excitement saying she had won a 2 year membership for a gym for her and a friend and was I interested I wasn't sure the husband would allow it but amazingly he did - you see this friend had the figure mentioned and as she would be wearing the tight lycra he was ok for me to go and he would go also in support - soon to be proved not of me but I went to the gym 7 days a week 3 hours a day 52 weeks of the year in the end the owners cut me a key and gave me the security numbers so I could be there when they weren't as I knew what I was doing - ok looking back they were in the wrong but I was so excited about everything that I promised to keep to the machines and levels of as instructed - nowhere would you get away with it now

well, once my friend dropped out the husband started getting crazy ideas about me coming on to other people there sure most were twice my age and not only that but female and once the bruises started to show I had to keep away

because of low moods and beatings I started self harming first with tablets then with knives and liquids

on several of the overdoses I was hospitalized but came out the next day but after one particular one that was all three methods they decided to keep me in a bit longer

whilst I was away - a total of six months my husband had been having an affair not with the friend above but another one that would you believe was supposedly running from an abusive relationship - how stupid was I and not only that but he got her pregnant! so the day I was ready to go home I had no where to go

so homeless and with a benefit grant to rebuild me the council gave me a flat - of which he found the address I hadn't yet moved in and he came to see me supposedly begging for forgiveness to take the flat temporarily and we would get back together - until that was I was outside the hospital perimeter he took me to the flat no furniture or anything and took the money off me - I couldn't prove anything so waited out a weekend on nothing

on the Monday my warden of the flat found me freezing she managed to get some stuff for me but every she did anything he came back to the point where she bought me food daily and the neighbour above me would watch out for him and even gave me furniture

bit by bit I clawed my way back he lost interest and filed for divorce as his daughter was born - who was I to refuse as all the damage had been done

whilst the divorce was going through I met the man who was to become my second husband but it was far from romantic as he had so many obstacles to get passed im surprised we even got married

he became my rock for years as the damage that I suffered at the hands of my first husband had taken its toll on my spine and landed me in a wheelchair all those times of being super fit reduced to a chair - and yes people I knew crossed the road or spoke to my husband to ask how I was

but with the wheelchair came my biggest mistake before the chair I could eat everything and anything and yes I indulged from time to time but I was active but the chair meant everything had to go - or so I thought - one thing that certainly went was the chocolate and cakes they went to husband 2 in its place came fruit milkshakes, smoothies yoghurts all what I thought was healthy - wrong !

when my weight piled up I went to see a dietician and she told me to go away and keep a food diary over Christmas - Satsuma heaven

I took her at her word after all she said don't hold back so every time I went to the shop more and more satsumas came back

when I finally went back to the dietician I heard the occasional sigh and thought it was the occasional cake or sausage roll when she put her pen down it was for the shock of my life - she turned and asked me how many sugars I had in a drink I admitted 2 in a coffee and she then said not only did I put sugar in my drink but I was close on becoming a human sugar cube as it was the sugar in my diet as a whole that was causing the weight gain as I hadn't bargained for the sugar in the fruit, the smoothies, the milk shakes etc

I was told this time to go away for another month this time no sugar what so ever!

at first I thought ok easy, but by day 3 the cravings were back and continued to get worse and each time my husband couldn't give in to me and boy did I try him

but the end of the month came and I went back and to my surprise I had lost a stone in weight I continued for a time losing weight and even asked for a stomach bypass but in my rush went for a gastric band and in my case it didn't work and now im stuck with it if I had my time over I would have stuck and waited for the bypass

now my life is full of pain from my neck down and although riddled with pain one of my down periods in life resulted in the best decision I have ever made and that is I became a Mormon and love it this is why I want to lose weight so I can do more as doing anything physical is too much I cant stand for more than 5 minutes before the pain is too much I would love to get back in a gym but I think those days are sadly gone - if anyone can help please reply - sorry it is so long but I thought maybe the best way was to get everything out in the open from the start

thank you for reading


20 Replies

  • Your husband is defo having another affair!!

  • That's not helpful!

  • Sorry but only being honest..

  • Next Time you feel like being honest, ask yourself , Is what I am typing likely to help?

  • Firstly you need to unravel why food is comfort, secondly it won't help, yes it will temp may you feel better, a 'fix'.

    Please get help emotionally, next work out a plan, as to how to start losing weight, a group might /prob be good for you, as I think you would benefit from support.

    1500 cals a day is normal, although you may put on a higher amount, never been to a group online or otherwise.

    Prob some sort of diet plan, always made up my own, for you cut out/ reduce the sugar in your day, move as much as you can, and reduce portions, access all the help online.

    Good luck xx

  • Good Luck with your journey.. I agree with Diana, it sounds like a group will really help you. Have you spoken to your GP about the possibility of a referral? Sometimes they will help with weightwatchers fees or a counsellor maybe? xx

  • Hi jane, you have posted such a brave and emotional post. I congratulate you for sharing this, you have had some very difficult times and writing about them must have been very hard for you.

    Firstly, I do feel that you need some sort of professional counselling. Is this something you have considered? Your GP should be able to make a referral for you or there are private specialist councillors if you would prefer. Eating is linked to emotions so getting to the cause is really Important. A group is an excellent idea, that way you can share your journey. Where do you live? In some areas a specialist team called more life is available to individuals that fit the criteria. Otherwise weightWatchers or slimming world are good plans to start with. As weight bearing is a challenge for you it maybe worth starting with excercises that can be done in a chair. Aim small, look at one change at a time and make it a habit. Are you still seeing your dietitian? A free app/website that really is excellent is myfitnesspal anf you can track your calories and it also has tracking for activity. I highly recommend it. Good luck, I hope you manage to find some help with this x

  • Hi Jane if you are on Face Book there is a wonderful group called HOOP - a group which Imthink will helpmyou with emotional and practical support It is "Help for Obese and Overweight People" it is a recognised charity and I strongly recommend you take a look and join - and I agree with chickenrunner - and that is why HOOPmwill help. It arranges area and regional meetings. Please let us know how you get on. God Bless

  • It's so sad to read you went through domestic, physical and emotional abuse. Too many women experience this! :(

    A councillor would be amazing and if you think you have depression, see your doctor for medication.

    I can completely relate to what you're saying and understand where you're coming from!

    To be successful in this weight loss journey you'll need support from medical staff or/and friend.

    I was 20 stone a year ago and started eating a BALANCE diet of 1200 calories and started doing 60 minutes exercise. There's loads of videos on youtube for exercise you can do while sitting down.

    If you want to talk I'm here!

    Good luck gorgeous :) xxxxx I'm rooting for you, you can do this! Xxxxx

  • There are a lot of good points made above. If you can let yourself, get started on the one/s that seem possible for you right now.

    It may be worth remembering that the story that you tell is over, meaning that however difficult it has been, you have lived through every day. The future is always unpredictable and you may not become the gym bunny that you were before - but, read through your letter again - as see your strengths. You can be committed, loyal and determined. Use these attributes to build a new and better life. Forty four is no age and there are people on this forum who are fighting back through considerable physical and emotional difficulties.

    You'll probably need someone to talk to and you will also need to listen to them. I think that you will be able to change your life for the better.

  • You have pulled yourself through a lot in your life. I wish you every happiness in continuing to lose weight and get healthy. It's long hard road , but you will get there. You don't have to go to a gym there are free things to do. Walking 10mins a day for a week and next week 20mins a day slowly build up each week.

    Have you thought about counselling for all you had to go through. This may help you and take a massive horrible time of your shoulders.

    I wish you well in your journey

  • Jane, you seem to have gone through so much, and it sounds like professional help would be the best option for you. Why don't you get that (professional counselling), come back here and tell us what they told you to do, and then we will know how to support you? There is lots of very friendly folks here, and you will get lots of support, but it may be better that it's support under a bit of supervision. Kind of being the cheering crowd, but not the coach, if you know what I mean.

    Big hug, girl, you can do it!

  • Well done for sharing your story. I was 23.5st four years ago (then aged 41) through a lifetime of emotional eating. I initially got help through Overeaters Anonymous (OA) which works on the same Twelve Steps as Alcoholics Anonymous. It's not a diet and calorie club, but helps you look at the reasons behind why you eat. You can go to as many or as few weekly meetings as you want. They're free, you donate as much or as little as you feel able to. You don't have to say or do anything at the meetings - everyone I've come across in OA is incredibly friendly and supportive 'cos we all have been through the same stuff causing us to overeat and wrecking our lives. Google 'Overeaters Anonymous'. They have an excellent website and there are meetings across the UK (and indeed the world!). I've so far lost 10st, changed career and am now making up for lost time in living life. I still have 3st to go, but life is so much better since I reached out and sought help. You CAN do this. It's NEVER too late. You're NEVER too far gone to change things.

    I look forward to hearing how you get on - please do keep us updated. Take care xx

  • You have made two very positive steps. 1 joining this site to gain knowledge and support 2. Being honest and open means u can now leAve those dark days in the past where they belong. Please make step 3 by getting some professional help so that your journey continues. If u had broke a leg you would go to the doctors and now you need some help so reach out brave lady and grab what's yours. Then work with it all to get the happy life you deserve, remember it's only 2 steps away. Please let me know how u r getting on

  • hi there

    wow after only what less than 24 hours I have 15 replies, wow thank you I will make an appointment to see the doctor in the morning and a member of my church is coming round on Wednesday to help me with calories and all the terminology I really am grateful to you all for your comments and know in my heart it will be so much easier mentally knowing that you guys are behind me every step - off now to face book to join HOOP if any of you are a member and fancy adding me as a friend please be sure to do so and for reference I live in Breaston Derbyshire - I now know the way is forward

    Thank you all so very very much


  • Hi Jane, it is clear from the way that you write that you are certainly not lacking in mental abilities, so it is such a shame that you have suffered such emotional damage.

    Yes I know the physical damage was bad too, but it was the emotional abuse that left you scared to trust yourself, other wise, assuming you live in the UK or USA you first husband would have been inspecting the bars on his cell.

    I hope that your Mormon friends will really take on board the duty that they and all christians have to really help you find a way to break this cycle of abuse

    Be aware though that there exist people in every religion who will exploit vunerable people so be on your guard. Trust your judgement, if it feels like abuse it is abuse. Find friends who support you not control you, There are some and I pray that our God will bring them to you.

  • Hi Angel

    You have been through the roughest lifenoone could ever emagine, BUT now is your time to shine!!

    I weigh just under 25 stone and i am only just mobile with either a walking stick or my rolls royce (zimmer frame) hehe.

    If you would like a lifestyle buddy, i would be honoured to be there for you, i don't do the 'D' word!! and lifestyle buddy sounds posh hehe

    I am house bound, so if you needed to chat at anytime of day, i'm here for you.

    I have a special poem that i give to people in need of some support and comfort, and you are definetly in need!!

    When angel sense you need them

    as angels always do

    they come unseen from everywhere

    to love and comfort you

    they hover close beside you

    till all your fears have gone

    till they sense your ready

    once again to carry on

    then some of them take their love

    to others who are in need

    of angels very much

    but one at least stays by you side

    to give you comfort and to guide

    as guardian angels never leave you

    they are always by your side!!

    Take care and gentle hugs and angel blessings to you xx

  • hi there mitzymoo

    many thanks for your message and I would be honoured if you would be my lifestyle buddy I too rely on a stick and zimmer to get around but luckily for myself im not totally housebound I do get to my local shop and back and I am taken via car to church when health and weather allows - sadly a few weeks ago we had a snow flurry that caused me to stay indoors due to balance problems but other than that I make sure I go as im a recent convert to it and have a lot to learn

    do you ever go on facebook as if so we could link up there if that is easier for you

    but in the meantime I will take my leave and hopefully speak to you real soon

    angel blessings to you also

    take care and thanks again


  • hi - i think we should be mates my lovely - i believe we have a lot in common :) I'm starting things this Monday - i like to plan things before i jump in, let me know if your interested - i'm weighing in tomorrow for my start weight.

    Remember the future is unwritten and good things are always around the corner for good people, making you a supermodel in the future if you want to be - at least that's what i tell myself - regularly!

  • Hi Angel

    Welcome to the mad house hehe.

    I measured myself on a new tape measure marking the limbs etc on it so i have a quick visual for future, then just do it monthly, see how it changes.

    Hope your weigh in wasn't too bad, my scales threaten to exterminate me if i go near them!! hehe

    what sort of meal changes are you looking to using (i don't do the D word)

    Take care and angel blessings xx

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