How can I move forward

I discovered I was bleeding this weekend so I went to A&E on Saturday. Being only 8 weeks pregnant you can imagine how anxious we both were. After 4 long hours and various tests later, I was confirmed as pregnant but no one could offer an explanation to my bleeding. I was therefore booked in for a scan at the early pregnancy unit.

The heartbreaking part is the bleeding hasnt stopped and this afternoon after my scan, it was confirmed I had miscarried.

No explanation can be offered about the what has happened. One day I'm pregnant and the next it has gone.

I'd never thought about having children until I met my partner. But we felt focused and ready to be parents.

Tonight I feel lost and upset that this has happened. I know I won't be the first or last one this may happen to.

My question is, how did you move on? Did you think that's it or did you think right lets try again.

I know that women do go on to have children and that's what I'm focusing on now. Would I like to try for another. Of cause.

I live in Warrington, Cheshire and have been so lucky to have found the hospital staff and the midwife really great and supportive.

Like my midwife said to me, hopefully she will see me again.

x

23 Replies

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  • I am so sorry for your loss. Words are completely inadequate.

    In terms of moving on, firstly allow yourself time to recover. You'll work out what's right for you in your own time.

    Secondly, there's no need to rush into a decision. I was your age when I miscarried, and am now 29 weeks with my second baby. Your age, I think you've proven, is no impediment to your decision, should you decide to try again.

    In the meantime, you have suffered a loss, and you should treat it the same as any other loss. Grieve in your own time and your own way, and one day you'll find yourself on the other side and feeling yourself again.

    Take care

    R x

  • Thank you for your kind words.

    I know having read many of the questions posed by the ladies on this forum that in time you do find the inner strength to move forward. Many ladies, including yourself are testiment to that.

    It broke my heart tonight when my partner said how sad he was too. I know he so wanted to be a dad and maybe in time we will try again.

    For now we will focus on taking care of each other.

    Thanks again.

    x

  • Ive been here twice before, its the most difficult thing to get through. For ages, it will probably be the only thing you cam think about. Dont be shocked if you camt sleep either. You'll probably start to blame yourself, amd whatever anyone says it wont change your mind. You might also feel inadequate or like a failure. But once these feelings start to pass, amd you find it easier to get by day by day, you'll start to accept that ehat happened wasn't anything to do with you or your partner, and unfortunatley its just the most horrific act of nature. I am sure you'll get through this, and in time you.ll feel ready to try again. Take care

    Love and hugs xx

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little bean at 9 weeks while abroad on holiday at the end of July. I am 40 (and approaching 41 far too quickly for my liking!) and this was my first pregnancy, which took a year of trying. I was absolutely distraught - age isn't on my side, and I just kept thinking that was my only chance and it would never happen again and spent day after day in floods of tears. We moved away from home last year due to hubbys work and have no friends or family around us, which made it so much harder for me to deal with. But I have to say I now feel I have moved on and after reading all these forums and seeing that being pregnant over 40 isn't all that uncommon, I have hope that it can happen again. Try not to punish yourself for what's happened, cry when you want to - which will be a lot in the early days, but I promise you it will get easier in time, and then you can start thinking about your future. Take care of yourself xxx

  • Hi Daltonlady,

    I too am so sorry to hear about your loss. Remember that there is plenty of hope and opportunity for the future and in the meantime take good care of yourself and your partner until you do feel ready to try again.

    If you find yourself struggling, we do have some resources on our website to help in the aftermath of a miscarriage, you can find them here: nct.org.uk/pregnancy/miscar...

    Also, the NCT helpline on 0300 330 0700 is a great resource for any questions you have about pregnancy and you can also be put through to our shared experiences helpline, where you can speak to someone on the phone who has been through similar challenges and will provide a kind listening ear.

    I hope this helps, wishing you all the best.

    Alice xx

  • Well I didn't sleep too well last night, mainly because I went over everything in my head.

    The what ifs, should I have seen that coming etc. I guess things will prey on my mind for a while but what has helped is just to be able to express myself on this forum.

    The replies left by each of the ladies reminds me I'm not on my own and that with the care and love of my partner, family and friends, things will be alright.

    My partner says its a temporary set back and reminds me of what we have been through since we have known one another. I know he will be strong for the pair of us and eventually the three of us when our times comes.

    love and hugs to everyone.

    xxx

  • The what ifs might haunt you for a while yet, but keep remembering that a ridiculously high percentage of early miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities. So let those what ifs drift through your mind, and then place them firmly behind you.

    You've been so lovely, thoughtful, and considered in each of your posts throughout. I'm sure you'll be a beautiful mum should you decide to try again.

    Big hugs

    R x

  • I seem to say 'thank you' to you quite often, for the kind words you have written to me. I'm really touched because they mean a great deal to me.

    Thank you for the hug.

    x

  • No thanks needed.

    Been there, done that, but did it on my own (family and hubby were great, but no one who'd been through it). Happy to give whatever I can.

    Can't say how much it means to make any sort of difference.

    Always here for you.

    R x

  • I too am very sorry for your loss, and I can sympathise with you, although it was probably easier for me as I didn't know I was pregnant, so hadn't been building my hopes up. I only realized when I actually saw my tiny little, well, I'm going to steal a name someone else used, bean, slowly sink to the bottom of the toilet. I thought I'd imagined it at first, but then realized this was wishfull thinking. Then looking back I pieced it all together - the late period, the spotting, the swollen brests.

    My husband took ages before he believed me, I think because he didn't want to believe it as it was upseting for him.

    The shocking thing is, that when I looked it up, I found it's incredibly common to miscarry in the first month or two, so common in fact, that most women, like me, aren't even aware at the time. Others have done a home test but haven't got to the stage of seeing a doctor. Then they call it chemical pregnancy.

    On the bright side, that misscarriage (and it still feels wierd calling it that) was actually my last period. I got pregnant again straight away. I'm not saying you need to do that, and as some other women here advised, it may be good to grieve a while first, but for me it's working out fine. More than fine.

    When you do feel ready, I think there are things you can do to improve your chances, like taking folic acid. It's a good idea to get yourself in top form even before you conceive.

    I wish you all the best and hope everything comes right for you in the end as it has for me.

  • I've finally been discharged from the hospital books today. My final blood test has confirmed my hormone level's are back to negative and they can confirm I miscarried.

    Hearing that again was hard and after being positive this morning, it has taken the wind out of my sails.

    I think because we had been trying for a while, its upset us both but as I've replied to other ladies who left some lovely supportive messages, this is only a temporary setback for us both. I just want to get this week over with now and start afresh on Monday.

    I'm going to carry on with my healthy eating and continue to take the folic acid. I had even started to enjoy decaf tea ( yes really!!)

    We have decided we will try again. I'm 40 and nearing 41 alot quicker than I would like. I have said if it happens again then we are going to be very blessed. I don't want it to consume out lives however, so having a chocolate labrador is my other option!

    Wishing you all the best

    x

  • Aw, a chocolate labrador...lovely! It's a golden retriever for me if things don't work out!

    I know how you feel having the wind taken from your sails - I was doing well until a day two weeks ago when two of my Facebook friends posted within an hour of each other that they were pregnant, both due the week I would have been. It really knocked me for six and I spent the day in tears. Needless to say one of them has now been deleted! The other is a really good friend who took 4 years to conceive her first pregnancy so I'm delighted for her, but I know it's going to be hard watching her go through every stage and thinking it should be me too :-( xx

  • Not the decaf tea!! I go herbal before decaf any day of the week :) My current favourite is twinings chamomile and spearmint. Not overly fond of either tea on their own, but together - subiime. Must admit, though, that I save up all my caffeine points for a very occasional proper latte - yum, yum, yum!!

    Chocolate labrador - definitely a superb choice! Golden retrievers are also very cute, but chocolate labradors are so huggable!

    R x

  • Back to work today and on the latte's. Long day and back in the thick of it.

    Next week back being good I think!!! Too much of a headache when I got home from the caffine.

    I have brought some lemon tea so I may give that a try! With herbal tea I buy lots and think I will try them and then they sit in my cupboard for ages gathering dust!

    Nice cup of yorkshire now and slippers on.

    x

  • Sounds lovely - enjoy your evening! x

  • For some reason yesterday I couldn't stop crying!!! I really felt very low. I think maybe its delayed shock, I don't know. Going back to work and keeping a stiff upper lip was harder than I thought.

    Everything went through my mind yesterday, from the what if, to will I feel myself again.

    I'm finding it hard as well because my body swelled up overnight when I found out I was pregnant. Now I'm left with big boobs and I don't feel very sexy at all.

    My partner hugs me and reasurres me that he loves me and nothing has

    changed about how he feels towards me. We are talking about what happened and how we need to move forward; however I feel like yesterday I took steps backwards, not forwards.

    I'm just hoping today I will feel better in myself.

    x

  • Mostly it's four steps forward, two or three steps back! It's all progress, even when it doesn't seem to be. It took me weeks of mostly downs, then I found that i was having more ups than downs. One day you wake up and realise that it's been days since you had a down, then it stretches out a little more, then you occasionally slip back into a down, then you get back on track again.

    I lost my baby on a trip to visit family overseas, right at the end of November. So I didn't have to worry about heading back to work. But Christmas was a nightmare! 'Tis the season to be jolly, after all. Terribly difficult to keep smiling at people and wishing them a Merry Christmas in between ducking to the loo to have a cry. It was so very difficult - and i was surrounded by people who loved me, who knew I'd lost the baby, and were incredibly good and sensitive to my needs (and quirks!) at the time. I can't imagine how it must be to return to work and feel the need to maintain a 'normal' appearance.

    Hang in there!! I promise it gradually gets better. And be very kind to yourself when you're having a crying day. It's not only ok to have those bad days, but necessary to moving through your grief.

    Hope you're having a better day today.

    R x

    PS. Your partner sounds absolutely lovely!

  • I think maybe going back to work so soon was a mistake. My moods have been somewhat up and down.. I should have given myself time to adjust. Being brave and acting normal is difficult. But like you say, I need to hang in there and all should work itself out.

    I just keep telling myself 'focus on the positives, no more negative vibes'

    My family live a good distance away, so to have the support off my partner has meant the world to me.

    He is my knight in shining armour looking after me!

    x

  • He does sound like such a great support - you sound like you're both deserving of each other! :)

    If you think you're back at work too soon, is it possible to negotiate a little more time off? I know I was a mess, and don't think I'd have been too good being back at work so soon. One thing to keep your chin up, another thing to put yourself through too much too soon. Just something to think about.

    Great to focus on the positives, but remember that it's ok to feel down. Time will sort that out without too much effort, so don't struggle against the tide too much.

    Take care

    R x

  • I am so so sorry for your loss. It is a heartbreaking time and it is something you never expect to experience. I suffered a loss in May this year. Went to my dating scan to discover that my baby was incredibly poorly. We lost the baby 12 days after my scan and we were told that it was due to Edwards syndrome. We were devastated. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and things are going well at the moment. I know it seems impossible, but you need to think positively...I still cry everday over my loss but I do feel like I can cope with life again. It is so important to remember that no one is at fault and sadly, it is nature.

    I am from Warrington too and I have to say that the staff at Warrington hospital are amazing.

    Take care.

    Best wishes for the future,

    Jemma x

  • Hi Jemma

    I always feel very touched by the way many ladies have come forward like yourself and told me their story. Although tinged with sadness, its so lovely to read you are currently 14 weeks pregnant.

    I think I have just struggled this weekend with my insecurities. Perhaps its only natural. I'm lucky that my partner is so understanding and great with the hugs. I have talked his head off and feel better for it!

    Sharing how I feel on the forum has also helped.

    Nice to know your from Warrington. I totally agree with your comments about the staff at the hospital. Everyone is so understanding and kind.

    Wishing you all the best

    x

  • When I lost the first one I didn't know what was going on I was woken up in pain at 3 am, I tried again and at eight weeks I lost another one, I was distraught I could eat or sleep for over a week. Thank god my cat refused to leave my side, it took me awhile to get back to normal. And I cried a lot. But put a brave face on at work. At 37 I thought that maybe I'd lost my last chance at pregnancy, but there is hope I'm now 10 weeks, fingers crossed. So please don't give up hope. I'm thinking of making a little scrapbook in memory of my two it will be somewhere safe to keep the scan pic, and write out the memories I had, good ones about them. Thinking of you xx

  • I've noticed quite a few of the ladies on this forum are 35 plus in age. In fact when I asked the question last month about older mum's to be, the response I had was lovely and encouraging too.

    I actually think I can be too hard on myself and expect too much too soon. I realise what I'm feeling is normal and that soon the good days will outway the down days.

    Wishing you all the best.

    x

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