75% me 25% her dad: hi, I have a 1 year old. 17 months... - NCT

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75% me 25% her dad

Tanzanite2022 profile image
18 Replies

hi, I have a 1 year old. 17 months to be exact. She was born at 26w5d gestation so she is a little bit behind. Her sleeping schedule continues to be anywhere from 8am to 1am depending on the kind of day she’s had but I have no idea when she wakes up, let me explain.

I am her mum. When she was first born I woke up exactly every 4 hours to feed her when she was due except she was in a hospital an hour away from where I lived and in those 10 weeks of NICU my body gradually got out of that routine so my partner took the mornings and I did the rest of the day. However, this isn’t the case.

Since December started I’ve found out that I had a miscarriage, and I have an iron and Vitamin D deficiency and been threatened with CPS because my daughter isn’t getting breakfast and I’ve argued and argued that she just doesn’t wake up earlier than this because my partner has told me she wakes up later than she’s meant to. I don’t and physically can not wake up any earlier than 11am otherwise I will just crash in the middle of the day. So that’s why my partner does the mornings.

A few days ago, I woke up at 10am to my partner still asleep. And my daughter wide awake in her bed, sat up with toys (she is behind so she can’t sit herself up unless you sit her up and her toys aren’t kept in her bed, they’re on the other side of the room) I got up and gave her breakfast ect. Waiting for my partner to wake up, she is a slow eater, and she was having her after breakfast nap when he finally came downstairs at 12:30 and he said it was a one off except for today. Today he told me the most outraging information. He has only just admitted that he doesn’t wake up when she wakes up, that he only wakes up when she cries. Now she is a quiet baby, only really cries when something is wrong and really bothering her. So this “man” is waiting for my baby to cry because she is hungry to wake up and actually do something?! It breaks my heart because I wish I could do something. I am on iron and vitamin D supplements but I have to wait for them to kick in. Does anyone have any advice on what to do about her father?! As much as I love him I just want my baby girl to be safe and well and fed 3 meals a day!!! It worries me. Help!! Am I the shit mum for not seeing it sooner?

Thought I would add, he blames his ADHD for his actions, I am autistic a lot of mental health problems such as anxiety and depression, and something bigger that is still being looked into (bpd bd and spd being the main ones they’re looking for)

18 Replies

I have to say I was quite upset by this post. How you say that you cannot wake up before 11am to me is just crazy. As a mother you have to be up and set a routine for your daughter. I can understand why the CPS is involved here as it sounds as though you or the father are not able to fully look after your daughter and you need help.

Please reach out and ask for help as it sounds like you need it for the sake of your daughter.

I would say it is brave of you to write such a post as it makes me worried for your daughter as from what you have wrote it shows a clear case of neglect.

Tanzanite2022 profile image
Tanzanite2022 in reply to

I have an Iron and Vitamin D deficiency. My mental health conditions are effecting my sleep. I can’t just set an alarm because I don’t wake up to them, I can’t just go to sleep earlier because I still wake up at the same time and I am seeking mental health support aswell as support with my sleeping. She is not being neglected, she is still getting what she needs from me. He is the one who has caused cps to become involved because she has got a routine but he is ruining it. We are both parents and we both take responsibility for different times of day. I take over at 12 and I do the rest of the day. Her milestones are behind because she was born 3 months premature so she is approximately 3 months behind a child of her age as standard.

in reply to Tanzanite2022

Based on your reply I do not know what it is that you expect people to respond to your message. Basically if you cannot look after your child till midday and the father can’t be bothered to look after her then I still stand by that your daughter is been neglected. A child does not fit into Your routine, you fit into their routine. If you had all these issues and the father wasn’t responsible then maybe you should have thought twice about having a child. I see that you have reported my response but quite frankly that is not a worry as I stand by what my response stated.

Ell493 profile image
Ell493

Tell your partner your daughter will be taken away if he doesn't get his act together and help. You've got to at least try to have a better schedule for yourself. Read books in the evening to make yourself sleepy. Ask the doctor what can help. You need to fix this situation so your daughter is safe and healthy.

Tanzanite2022 profile image
Tanzanite2022 in reply to Ell493

I am in the process of fixing my schedule. Mental health support and vitamin D and iron supplements (I have an iron and vit D deficiency) to try and fix my part and if he still isn’t fully doing his part then he is gone and the services know that.

FlyerFlower777 profile image
FlyerFlower777

tough love time from me… get your act together. This child that you brought into the world, deserves much better than this. This little girl was gifted to you. Get some discipline and routine going, sure, it’s challenging, but it’s also doable. You owe her this. As for the Father, well he’s not a Father when he prioritises sleep over his own child’s welfare….. (not your fault) …you CAN do it, so get on it. And let that little girl flourish. Start NOW.

Tanzanite2022 profile image
Tanzanite2022 in reply to FlyerFlower777

I am currently under mental health services and taking supplements for my iron and vitamin D deficiency to fix my own sleeping schedule as it’s these which are causing my sleeping problems. The services know that, I’m just giving my partner until I’m sorted to sort himself out and if he hasn’t he is gone

Beckylcarter87 profile image
Beckylcarter87

Like the other comments below I am extremely worried by your post. It is clear that you need some support as you and your partner cannot care for your baby properly. I don’t really understand the reason why you can’t “physically” wake up before 11am, set an alarm and just force yourself to wake up - early rises are part of being a parent unfortunately.

If your partner is leaving your poor hungry baby to sit by themselves for hours whilst he goes back to sleep then this is a clear case of neglect and he clearly cannot be trusted to look after your baby.

I’m sorry these replies are probably not what you wanted to hear but I don’t think you realise how worrying your post is coming across.

Please seek help and for the love of god get up and feed your baby in the morning.

Tanzanite2022 profile image
Tanzanite2022 in reply to Beckylcarter87

I know it is worrying, it is frustrating for myself. From lunchtime onwards she is fine, fed watered stimulated ect. And when she wakes up in the morning. He just has to take over from about 8/9 when she isn’t unwell to 12. I have a Vitamin D and Iron deficiency aswell of a list of mental health problems that effect my sleep and I am seeking help for this and the services are aware that my plan of action is fix myself then fix the situation. They aren’t worried on my parenting as they know her needs are met once I have taken over. It’s just his part that worries them, they understand I just can’t do that morning part I have to gradually push myself otherwise I will crash.

Twiglet2 profile image
Twiglet2

You are reaching out for help here but please approach CPS yourself for help that doesn’t mean they will remove your daughter but you clearly need some help for her sake. I have had both of these deficiencies and always been able to still get up for child and work so I’m sorry but that won’t cut it for a reason why not. If your child goes for an afternoon nap then you can get some more sleep then if a full nights sleep isn’t enough but you need to set an alarm to make sure you are up for your child and that she is getting breakfast it is such an important meal (and will probably help you too with your vitamins if you eat the right things) . And if you nap later then set another alarm to make sure you are up before she finishes her afternoon nap. The father needs to do the same but as you can’t rely on him you need to focus on you right now. What a precious little baby you have with what sounds like so many challenges to overcome if she can’t sit up herself at 17 months so please please please dont make it harder for her and make sure you get up with her in the mornings 🙏🤗.

Tanzanite2022 profile image
Tanzanite2022 in reply to Twiglet2

she can sit up by her shelf and she bum-shuffles too. Her developmental issues are because she was 3 months premature. I am getting help, mentally and physically regarding my sleeping schedule. I’m also getting support from 4 kinds of children’s and adults services which I have pushed for myself. I am aware I need help but the help I need isn’t from services. It’s help my partner should have been giving me in the first place, Due to her 10 weeks in NICU it made it harder for me, I’m autistic so I struggle with change and I’m used to sharing responsibilities regarding my daughter and this is why I seeked help from services.

Milliemoo6 profile image
Milliemoo6

I agree with the other comments, I think you both need to get your act together to be honest. You make a lot of excuses for yourself and seem to be putting the blame a lot in your partner but you're both neglecting her. Do neither of you work? There really is no excuse for you both to be sleeping away the entire morning. Go to bed earlier! Start getting yourselves and your daughter into a bedtime routine, aim for 7-8pm for bedtime and 7am for wake up. If you're tired then go to sleep when she does. If you're tired during the day then nap when she does. This is parenting. We're all tired, most of the time. It's a sacrifice we make to have the most amazing gift of a child in our lives. It's tough but doesn't last forever. It sounds like your daughter is developmentally delayed, what help are you receiving for this? It might be a good thing for CPS to be involved at this stage, your daughter should be your priority and she needs more than you and your partner are giving her at the moment.

Bigblueskies profile image
Bigblueskies

I understand that you feel physically unwell and that both you and your partner have a learning difficulty. It’s not easy to bond and care for a child with these obstacles. However your baby is being neglected. She needs love, attention, a consistent and appropriate routine and lots of interactions when she needs them, not just when it is convenient for her parents. Please do ask all the help you can get from social services and if you can, please get referred to a parent-infant psychotherapist too. It sounds to me that both you and your partner find parenthood overwhelming and you need support.

Tanzanite2022 profile image
Tanzanite2022 in reply to Bigblueskies

we are under services and they have agreed it is safer to continue the dad morning mum rest of the day schedule until my sleeping problem is resolved, we are getting support from 4 different child’s services. And I am getting support from 2 mental health services as it isn’t me being lazy, it is something wrong mentally as I am being investigated into what is wrong with my sleep as there is a genuine reason bigger than being tired. Other than the morning, the rest of her day is perfectly formatted and she is well fed looked after cleaned stimulated and engaged with. Many people don’t understand as it’s a lot more complicated than just bad parenting. However children’s services are involved as I have pushed for them to engaged as I have ran out of ideas to get my partner to play his part.

Seb9 profile image
Seb9

It sounds like you're all having a very difficult time. Perhaps you could teach out to somewhere like the NSPCC, they offer support to parents and might be able you and your partner some strategies to put in place to help with your child's care.

If you're both struggling in the mornings do you have any family or friends who could take the baby for a bit?

What does your normal daily routine look like? Perhaps you both could make some adjustments so that you're not both sleeping in so late. My husband tends to stay up later with our 1 year old and then I get up to do the mornings, but if we both stay up late, we're both tired in the mornings.

Have you had your 1 year review with the health visitor yet? They might be able to put you on touch with people who could offer you support or advice? You don't say who is threatening you with the CPS, but if your child is at risk of neglect because you're not well, please take all the help you can get and don't see it as threatening, it might be better to ask for help earlier instead of being reported. Good luck with it all.

Loubump profile image
Loubump

i agree with all the other comments - your baby needs routine in her life and as parents you need to do it

Please reach out and get help - parenting is the hardest but most rewarding job in the world - people can and will help you and you will never be judged.

Good luck with it all xxxx

CLCP profile image
CLCP

It sounds like you need a proper routine as much as your child does. Lots of mums have various challenges but we push through to care for our children. If CPS can offer help, you should let them until you are able to take care of your child full time. Best of luck.

noble2 profile image
noble2

I agree with all the posts above. You guys l need to get your act together and quit finding someone or something to put the blame on. Noone said motherhood/fatherhood was easy. it comes with changes and sacrifices. I do understand that there might be a lot going but if it’s just the deficiencies and the personlity disorder you have then there’s really not a lot going on that a routine will not help with. Don’t forget to get contraception to prevent another pregnancy till you guys can sort things out for now. And just so you know, everyone has an element of autism/adhd.

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