Feeling desperate and alone 😔 : I haven't posted in a... - NCT

NCT

51,886 members16,256 posts

Feeling desperate and alone 😔

Positive2022 profile image

I haven't posted in a while. I've tried to keep going. But this is my safe place, my go to place for support. You have all been amazing. I didn't know where to post, but opted for this forum. I hope this is okay.

I'm feeling utterly desperate and very ashamed. Postnatal depression is such a cruel illness. I think I'm going through it a second time. I have seen my GP and started medication. Bizarrely I don't feel any better at all. And I have given the medication time. I am under the right team so getting support but there are so many issues in life that are just compounding everything. It's scary how I'm feeling about myself right now.

A little background info... infertility diagnosed several years ago, cue huge emotional rollercoaster. I was very lucky and was successful with treatment but the traumatic birth that followed just spiralled me downhill (large postpartum haemorrhage... severe anaemia.... hospital apology for mismanagement during the birth and immediate postpartum period....poorly healed episiotomy requiring surgery....) I tried reaching out for help at my postnatal check but was completely dismissed . Lots of postpartum complications ended up in emergency gynae clinic and told would never conceive again. It was as blunt as that. Changed GP and support much better.

Fast forward several months and to my shock and utter amazement I conceived naturally. Some complications including a haemorrhage in the first trimester and elevated BP but delivered via c section last August.

At 3 weeks of age my baby was admitted to hospital. Its been a very bumpy time since last August. Diagnosed CMPA. Lost large amounts of weight. Lots of doctors visits . Emotions all over the place. My first born is going through an autism assessment which is a long, stressful process and for want of a better way of putting it, you are pretty much left to cope. Health visitors non existent in my area. We have had to fight tooth and nail to move forwards with everything. My first born also contracted covid last December and really was very unwell and has not been right since. We were sat in the waiting room of the GP surgery today waiting for her to have a blood test and I watched all the mums come in with their children and never have I felt so much like an failure. The tears were just plopping down my cheeks. Luckily the mask hid them.

I don't have alot of support. Husband helps where he can but works round the clock. Some help from mum but this is limited. No other local family. Parents in law not well and not coping. Husband in tears over this. My 4 year old nephew has cancer and our family had been told to expect the worst imminently. This has completely broken the family. Going back to work soon and whilst I do want to, i have no idea how I will cope. Have to for financial reasons.

It's all just getting on top of me. Although I am very close to my family, despite living miles away, Mental health isn't really something that's discussed. It's very much stay resilient, soldier on and keep going . As I am struggling so much with this at this moment in time, I feel like I'm failing every day. Feel so ashamed. Therefore don't have the courage to speak up.

Not sure what I'm looking for. Perhaps a hand hold, or virtual hug . I just needed to get things off my chest as its all boiled over today. Feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing. The emotional roller coaster has been hard to cope with over the past few years.

26 Replies

Oh gosh, this sounds so utterly stressful and I’m so sorry that you’ve been dealing with and holding onto so much. You are incredibly strong to have recognised PND and gone to the GP for help - well done. I hope they make you feel better soon but if they haven’t can you talk to your doctor about a change in dose? Maybe also to get you on the list for therapy - talking to a professional May also help you and I know they prioritise those who are suffering with PND too.

To talk about everything on here shows how courageous you are and I’m sure will help someone else on here who is going through the same. You are not failing at all - you sound like an amazing mum doing all they can for their children. It’s so very easy to compare to other mums and think how easy they have it but everyone is going through their own battles too and may just not show it at all. I definitely feel like I am winging it with my boy most days and don’t feel like I am the best mum a lot of the time but I know I am trying my best and that is all I can do.

Can your work also help in phasing you back in or finding a role that may not be so stressful?

There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed about - you have gone through so much and whilst I think you are strong for talking about it, looking for solutions - you don’t need to do this all on your own.sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️ Xxx

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I think I just needed to hear its okay to feel like this and I'm not abnormal which is sort of how I'm feeling right now. Perhaps after such an emotional rollercoaster, im coming back down to earth and starting to process everything. Hard to explain, almost like I've been running off adrenaline and my levels have suddenly depleted. I have a very supportive GP and she has encouraged me to book a review with her which I will do, I'm just feeling rather fragile at the moment xxx

Aww lovely, you are 100% not abnormal at all - and completely normal to feel so fragile. I’m so glad to hear you have a supportive GP during this time too, that is so important at a time like this. If you have any friends that you can talk to as well, that may help you unload all you’re feeling as well. Lots of hugs to you hun my inbox is open if you need to talk too xxx

Thank you so much 💓

Oh gosh lady, this is a lot of stuff for you to be dealing with. I don’t know how I would cope with half of that going on. You’re doing an amazing job, but don’t feel like you have to try and be perfect. Everyone has little meltdowns, and by gosh you have reason to feel gloomy sometimes with all you’re going through. Sorry I don’t have anything constructive to add, well done for reaching out for support xxxx

Thank you so much for your kind response. Just to hear someone say its okay to feel like this has given me a lift xxx

You are amazing and doing an amazing job mum :) after going through PPD after my 2nd baby and would like to tell you it will get better eventually might not feel it now as I did but you have been through so much. I found meditation amazing to have you time and felt it really helped me with breathing techniques. Big hugs 🤗 xxx

Thank you for your kind message. I'm so sorry you went through it too. It's a very cruel illness. I can leave my front door and look perfectly fine but deep down I know I'm not. I thought I would have had a good chance of not suffering from it again as the second birth was so much more controlled an in a way, healing. I feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing but all these external factors that I don't seem to have any control over has really taken its toll on my mental health.

You are an amazing woman to be standing upright going through what you are going through at the moment. It is not your fault and you should not be embarrassed or ashamed because it is something you have no control over. Given the choice you would not have PND but you have no choice. You have done so well to acknowledge you have it and seek help. It is far more common than society makes out which is very sad as we should al be supporting each other. You have so much on your plate at the moment. I am so sorry about your nephew, life is unbearably cruel. I completely agree with above sentiments… most of us are just winging it! Also, breathing exercises and meditation are fabulous if you can do them. Also ask your GP about CBT cognitive behavioural therapy as that can really help. You are not alone. Sending massive virtual hugs 🤗 ❤️Xxx

Positive2022 profile image
Positive2022 in reply to Peanut5

Thank you so much, yes I do need to book a review with my GP (she encouraged me to do so) and I will have a chat about talking therapy. Sometimes I just can't hold my emotions in but the support on here has been amazing and I'm very grateful for your advice. PND can feel a very isolating and frightening place xxx

So sorry to hear how tough you have had it over the past few years. It is really hard to admit that you need help and this is definitely the biggest hurdle. I have not had anything like as tough a time with birth and family concerns and I also got post natal depression and anxiety. It is really common and really tough. Anyone who says they have got it all sorted with young children is usually hiding the middle of the night tantrums and poonami’s! Not having a lot of help is tough (I also have no local family (mine are in New Zealand) and a husband who works long hours so I feel you with this one!). I found talking therapy really helped in my case. If you have pnd they push you to the top of the priority list so I only had to wait a couple of weeks and just talking to them was really helpful….they just questioned why you are feeling the way you are and it is amazing how quickly you realise what is causing your worries and frustrations…in my case I started the process convinced that I was an awful mother, that my dd was going to die of SIDS and that I was going to divorce my husband because he is “awful and doesn’t care”. Within a few sessions I realised that it all stemmed from having a maternal hemorage at 34 weeks and born with emergency c section and dd not breathing when first born….everything else was an escalation from there! I also had a few basic coping strategies to de escalate myself which I find really helpful! During my pnd I kept saying how I failed her (because she was premie) and it was not my fault just happened. Please remember that having children is the toughest job (and most rewarding job) you will ever have and it is okay to find it hard and it is okay to tell people that you need help. Most people are understanding if you are honest with them and in my case because I was honest with a handful of recent mums (who I barely knew) I have had people check in on me and make sure I am okay and are there for me when I need someone…and I would do anything for them! They don’t hide when they are having a tough time or what they are frightened of (we all have something either sids or weaning or allergies or going back to work etc etc) and it reminds me that it is okay to not have all your stuff together! As for returning to work…I know some people really hate going back to work but I returned to work early (also for financial reasons) and it was the best thing for me. Tough to leave your angels behind for a few hours definitely but you interact with other adults you have time away from the constant pressure of feeding changing entertaining that I found absolutely exhausting and felt I was not coping with. It’s good to get some you time even if it is not a hobby! I hope you find something to help steady yourself so you can enjoy watching your children grow and learn which is the greatest privilege anyone can have.

Thank you so much for your support and advice. I'm so sorry to hear you went through such a traumatic time. I hope you are doing okay now. I still have unprocessed trauma from the birth of my first born and became very isolated when covid hit due to lockdown etc. Barely having time to process this with everything else going on in life I just feel so overwhelmed at times. PND does feel a very cruel illness and I'm in the thick of it right now. But I have a very supportive GP so I will make contact with her again to discuss talking therapy. Many many thanks xxx

Wow, you've got eveyr right and reason to feel blue and overwhelmed, even if you didn't have PPD... You're doing everything right and everything you can, you're a hero for looking after your kids and simply getting through each day. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going... There is light at the end of the tunnel. PPD doesn't last forever, but it definitely sounds like your medication needs tweaking (sooner rather than later). I think the other respondents on here have given some good advice about accessing a talking therapy and trying meditation, these things can be really beneficial. A phased return to work sounds like a good idea too and I would recommend being honest with your employer about what you're going through. They should be able to provide some support to ease your transition back to work and help you get through this. You are an amazing woman, a strong, powerful, loving mother and you will feel whole again one day soon (in the grand scheme of things). Sending you hugs and love and wishing you well xx

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Dont know where I'd be without the amazing support on this forum. My GP has advised a review so I will book this in and have a chat about medication and talking therapy. Many many thanks xxx

You are not making a fuss out of nothing. You sound like such a strong person that is and has been going through alot of shit. Hopefully talking to gp more and getting more support with help. You can do this. You are already proving that. You sound like an amazing mum, fighting for your child to get the support they need. Sending loads of love ❤

Positive2022 profile image
Positive2022 in reply to Rain415

Thank you so much for your support. Alot has come at once and coincided with returning to work which is just another stress factor. I think I needed to hear that it's OK not to be OK. I've always been a fairly resilient person so admitting I need support doesn't coke naturally. I will book a review with my GP many many thanks xxx

I’m truly sorry to hear this. I would like to let you know that you are not a failure at all, none of this is your fault! I had a similar (yet less severe on my body) experience with a traumatic birth that left me with more emotional scars than I could have ever imagined. Like you, the hospital seems to be dismissive of my birth experience and is passing it off as an unforeseeable circumstance. I was repeatedly ignored and mismanaged by the birthing team until I ended up with an emergency c section with my daughter sustaining mild HIE and being transferred to NICU for 10 days. After the horrific ordeal , it was expected that I would just pick up and go on as normal - being a ‘super mom’… honestly it breaks you! I don’t blame you at all. Your world as you know it has crumbled. You are allowed to feel everything you’re feeling, In addition, you have physical scars to deal with. Frankly, damages is what this hospital should be providing you. Including continual support for you and your children. Have you tried a formal complaint? Is it possible to have 1 hour a day to yourself? To do some self care , recuperation, something! If you are, please do it and guard that time fiercely. Take some time out of the house as well. Please! … I wonder if there’s a way to private message here? We could catch up. Sending you prayers, love and light

Positive2022 profile image
Positive2022 in reply to Sibz2

Thank you for your support. I'm so sorry you had a difficult birth experience too. I did send a complaint in yes and it made me feel better for putting into words how the experience left me feeling but the sheer trauma of it all and everything else I think has taken its toll. My inbox is always open if you need a chat too 😊

I don't think I have much to add to what the others have said. I've got tears in my eyes after reading about your distress. Such a load to bear. Please please let your tears flow, but be kind to your heart. It sounds like you're doing so many right things, it's impressive, as much as I appreciate it doesn't feel like that. A hug.

Thank you so much for your support and virtual uug. Sometimes it all feels too much and the emotions just spill over. But it's been helpful to talk. The support on here is amazing xxx

I’m rushing in to give you a tight hug and just to hold you for 10mins. Pour your weight onto me and let me carry it for even just a little while. It’s absolutely ok, to not be ok. Know that you are NOT a failure. You’re a warrior. Allow yourself time to just take one day at a time. There are no prizes here… it may seem ludicrous but are you able to take just 10 mins a day to yourself, get a YouTube meditation video going, some headphones and just spend those 10 mins calming your troubled mind. Build that daily and allow yourself those 10 mins to escape. It may help. Keep talking, we are here to listen. And… you WILL be ok. It will be ok. You’ve come this far… don’t look back and stare, look forward just one day at a time because that is you winning. Little little steps. I’ll keep you in my prayers xxx

Thank you so much for your kind words. Means the world. The emotions just spill over sometimes. It's so helpful talking things through and hearing that it's okay not to be okay xxx

Hey. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time, so no wonder everything is on top of you. Have you thought about getting some therapy as this in addition to the medication may help? If the GP isn't able to help I would suggest contacting PANDAS in the first instance. Xx

Thank you for your advice and support. I need to make a follow-up appointment with my GP and I will ask about the option of talking therapy and also look at Pandas xxx

OMG you are such a warrior. You are amazing, recognizing you are struggling and saying it out loud and seeking help and speaking about it - you truly are very strong even though you don't know it and or it doesn't feel like it. I wish I could give you a hug and share a cuppa and cake. My own experience is finding someone, or several someones, to talk to, having a community, even if online, is super helpful. And therapy of course if you can find it and/or afford it. But not staying alone. Even if you build different friendships around different topics. I really, really want to validate your feelings and tell you that problems and trauma don't go away, they compound, as you say, and you are not a failure to feel how difficult it all is. Absolutely not. All I hear is a mama who does her best to cope in very difficult situations with a very difficult history. I'm so glad you switched GPs and have a better, supportive one now. These things don't heal overnight but the path is always to accept our feelings, cry if we need to, and be sure our feelings are heard by someone kind. Then we can start to heal and see more clearly. Sending you gentle supportive vibes. I'm so glad you wrote and felt better after it. It's important to be seen when we struggle. Everyone struggles at some point and to some extent, but no one talks about it. You are strong. I believe in you <3

Thank you so much for your kind words. Just to hear someone say its OK not to be OK gives me such a lift. I am usually very resilient but sometimes emotions just seem to spill over. Many many thanks 😊

You may also like...