I haven't posted in a while. I've tried to keep going. But this is my safe place, my go to place for support. You have all been amazing. I didn't know where to post, but opted for this forum. I hope this is okay.
I'm feeling utterly desperate and very ashamed. Postnatal depression is such a cruel illness. I think I'm going through it a second time. I have seen my GP and started medication. Bizarrely I don't feel any better at all. And I have given the medication time. I am under the right team so getting support but there are so many issues in life that are just compounding everything. It's scary how I'm feeling about myself right now.
A little background info... infertility diagnosed several years ago, cue huge emotional rollercoaster. I was very lucky and was successful with treatment but the traumatic birth that followed just spiralled me downhill (large postpartum haemorrhage... severe anaemia.... hospital apology for mismanagement during the birth and immediate postpartum period....poorly healed episiotomy requiring surgery....) I tried reaching out for help at my postnatal check but was completely dismissed . Lots of postpartum complications ended up in emergency gynae clinic and told would never conceive again. It was as blunt as that. Changed GP and support much better.
Fast forward several months and to my shock and utter amazement I conceived naturally. Some complications including a haemorrhage in the first trimester and elevated BP but delivered via c section last August.
At 3 weeks of age my baby was admitted to hospital. Its been a very bumpy time since last August. Diagnosed CMPA. Lost large amounts of weight. Lots of doctors visits . Emotions all over the place. My first born is going through an autism assessment which is a long, stressful process and for want of a better way of putting it, you are pretty much left to cope. Health visitors non existent in my area. We have had to fight tooth and nail to move forwards with everything. My first born also contracted covid last December and really was very unwell and has not been right since. We were sat in the waiting room of the GP surgery today waiting for her to have a blood test and I watched all the mums come in with their children and never have I felt so much like an failure. The tears were just plopping down my cheeks. Luckily the mask hid them.
I don't have alot of support. Husband helps where he can but works round the clock. Some help from mum but this is limited. No other local family. Parents in law not well and not coping. Husband in tears over this. My 4 year old nephew has cancer and our family had been told to expect the worst imminently. This has completely broken the family. Going back to work soon and whilst I do want to, i have no idea how I will cope. Have to for financial reasons.
It's all just getting on top of me. Although I am very close to my family, despite living miles away, Mental health isn't really something that's discussed. It's very much stay resilient, soldier on and keep going . As I am struggling so much with this at this moment in time, I feel like I'm failing every day. Feel so ashamed. Therefore don't have the courage to speak up.
Not sure what I'm looking for. Perhaps a hand hold, or virtual hug . I just needed to get things off my chest as its all boiled over today. Feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing. The emotional roller coaster has been hard to cope with over the past few years.