Considering leaving husband but feel stuck due to pregnancy

[Tinksy]

Hi all,

I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this other than to express myself and perhaps get some outsiders opinions...

I've been married for nearly 3 years and now 33 weeks pregnant with our first child. My husband has always had a short fuse and seemed intolerant to anything or anyone that frustrates him. I'd felt able to deal with this before, but now that we're bringing a little one into the world I'm finding it more and more difficult to manage. I also think he's got worse over the last few months. Perhaps there's some hormones at play here too. He's always been a big drinker, but he's also been drinking a lot more alcohol during the pregnancy. This weeks been particularly bad (he's been on annual leave and so says this is his holiday time...which I can see is reasonably justifiable). But we haven't slept in the same room for nearly a week because he's up until 2, 3, 4am drinking. This also seems to be a pattern every weekend and some weekday evenings.

The types of things he seems intolerant to I just can't get my head around. For example he has taken a dislike to my brother in law because he doesn't like the way that he can come across as arrogant sometimes and that financially speaking he has had things 'easy' in life. He doesn't want anything to do with him and any time there's family gatherings he will make such a point about not wanting to go or will pick up on something my brother in law has said thats annoyed him. My husband had quite a difficult time of establishing his career in his 20s and didn't have a lot of money coming in and he finds it hard when he meets people that he's perceives to have had it easier than him (which seems to be most in his eyes). He seems to have some kind of feelings of entitlement and an assumption that if others have had it easier then they don't appreciate it. He's also taken a dislike to one of my friends for the same reasons which means my friendship with her has been effected because I have to make excuses as to why he doesn't attend get togethers. He flat out refused to go to her wedding at which I was MOH. I just can't get my head around why its so hard for him once in a blue moon to spend some time around people he doesn't like to make me happier and to make my life easier.

Some of this above perhaps sounds like things that I could just accept he doesn't like these people and not have expectations that he's going to spend any time with them. What I struggle with is just how angry he gets about it and how unreasonable it feels. He will bring up his frustrations even when we haven't spent any time around them (he barely ever see's them for obvious reasons anyway). I know that there's going to be other people that come into our lives that he's not going to like and I'm going to have to put up with this over and over again. I end up feeling isolated. I can say 'I can have a relationship with that person even if he doesn't want to,' but his reactions to things make it feel almost impossible. When he's had a drink its even worse and he can be quite verbally abusive. Last night he said he didn't want anything to do with my 'c**t of a family.' My family are dysfunctional, but they're nice people. He just can't tolerate things about them that annoy him. And we're not that close that he has to spend much time with them at all.

Anyway I'm really beginning to feel as though I've had enough and I don't want to bring up a child around someone that has these reactions. But being so close to having the baby and sharing a house & mortgage it feels so hard to make a plan to leave. There's not really anyone that I could move in with and nor him so if we separated we'd be stuck living in the same house together. I don't know whether its just worth sticking it out until baby is around 1 year and getting my ducks in a row in the meantime. But then I think am I just postponing something because it feels difficult. I've booked in to start some therapy sessions to think about it all but anyone that has any thoughts or similar experiences, would much appreciate hearing from you. If not, rant has been helpful, thanks

[Seb9]

It sounds like a really tough situation, having a baby was really hard for me, even with having a really supportive husband. I can't imagine doing it with someone who was making me feel how you're feeling. If you can't work out or with your husband and don't think he's likely to change, you could try speaking to the citizens advice bureau , they can offer you advice on your next steps on leaving him they're free and

You could also apply to your local council and request housing, it sounds like your husbands behaviour might qualify you for social housing, with his drinking you could say that it is not a safe environment for you and the baby.

Good luck with it all xx

[Buisquits]

I feel there is a lot worry in your post. I think you need to decide what is the best for the baby and you. As a new mum you may find things difficult at times and being in a safe environment crucial at that time. It doesn't sound like your husband is going to change his way, and being around a new born is not always easy... Did you talk to him about it? What does he think?

Money should not be an issue when it comes to safety and well being x

[Blue1986]

This sounds like a really awful situation to be in. From the outside it seems that he has major anger issues which he needs to resolve. As for his drinking, it sounds like he is addicted and he needs help for this too. Have you sought any kind of therapy or guidance? Have you tried anything?

Bringing a child into this world is tough enough when you have a couple who loves and supports one another. In your case it’s going to be much more difficult. Personally, if I’d have tried to change the situation to the best of my ability and wasn’t seeing any improvements I would already be out of the door. You and your child have to come first.

[Paganpatrick]

Hi Tinksy, I’m a recovering alcoholic of just under 20 years. Our son has never seen me drink but I did not magically stop when he was born but I was willing and with the support of my partner, doctor and ultimately the rooms of AA I gave up completely, a miricale, I was a very heavy drinker and it took a while. The important thing is that he has-to give up for himself not you or your unborn child. He may heavily resent it being informed he has a drink problem. There is a sister organisation to Alcoholics Anonymous called Al- Anon it is for partners and families of alcoholics, totally confidential across the country. You will be met by women with warmth, love and understanding, most importantly many will have been in your shoes! There are no fees or dues or commitment, just support.

From personal experience and helping others get sober. There is zero chance of changing behaviour, attitude and mind sets until the drink is put down he will not be able to. It’s hard and very sad but at the moment I think he is a liability to you. Not forever, he has a clear way out. If it were widely known there is a chance Social Services would become involved and I don’t think you want that.

If you want help with contacts and numbers for him and the same for you just let me know and I will find them. It’s a funny time with meetings coming off Zoom and back to ‘real’ meetings in community centres, church halls. Is there a member of his side of family or a friend of his who can broach the subject with him?

It sounds harsh but you need to concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy. He’s a big boy and there is tons of support if he will just listen and take it. Most GPS will offer a short course of diazipam to off set effects of stopping drinking if they think the individual is sincere.

I know I’m probably overstepping the mark but is there a chance of separate accommodation for a while? It doesn’t have to be forever, or can be but you don’t have to say that. Honestly let AA help him if he will accept it and let Al Anon help you even with ideas about accommodation. I suggest he rents a room somewhere for six months and gets his head straight.

Please eat well, keep stress to minimum and follow ‘mad wives’ advise! If you want to talk privately please message me. Your not imposing, quite the reverse, my recovery is dependent on getting others affected by alcohol through difficult times. 💚☘️X

[Cmh25]

I’m so sorry you are going through this especially at this time. I think you already know how you feel and I think it will be difficult to leave whether it’s now or in 1 year or 2 years.Have you talked to him about all this and can he see that his behaviour is unreasonable? It’s really him that needs therapy sessions, he can’t go on like this either, he has a lot of work to do on himself.

Anyway, for now think of you and your baby.

If you really love him and don’t want to give up completely maybe it’s a matter of taking a break and being away from him while you are pregnant and bring up and baby. Maybe space will do you both good. I think sticking around because of the baby is only worth it if he is actually supporting you with the pregnancy.

With drinking involved it’s a toxic situation and will feel worse when baby is here.

I don’t have this experience with a partner but I had a verbally abusive father growing up and it did a lot of damage to me, even the verbal abuse on my mum affected me a lot and I’m still getting over it today at 39 years old.

I hope you have some friends who can support you and that you can open up to about this so you don’t have to feel alone.

Be strong and follow your heart. You and your child deserve to be in a safe environment. Sending you lots of love x

[Pasaeoco01]

I think paganpatrick makes some really valid points here. I have no experience with this situation but can only imagine how it must be.I think initially I’m inclined to ask if he’s always been this way or has something triggered a change in his behaviour? The pregnancy?

Whilst it’s incredibly important you feel safe and are taking care of yourself it doesn’t also seem that he needs help of some sort - the tricky step is getting him to acknowledge that before he’ll embrace support.

Maybe stepping away for a few days might be a good starting point? Obviously you’d need to explain why you feel that’s necessary in the first instance.

I think it’s really great that you’ve taken some steps to getting some therapy snd support, good for you. Don’t forget to share with your midwife too.

Wishing you all the best, try to keep your best interests at the front of everything.

[Jogsandwalks]

Don’t let money or the fact that it will be ‘difficult’ stop you from doing exactly what you know, deep down in your heart, you have to do. Prolonging the inevitable will only cause you more heartache in the future. I’m sorry to hear of your situation but it’s not a viable one to bring a baby into. If I was you, I would start making to calls to the right charities and agencies and make appropriate arrangements. Your future self will thank you.

[Moon20]

Sorry to read what you are going through. You are with this person from 3 years and even after knowing you are having a baby he is not changed. My honest opinion is this person will never change and you are wasting your time and energy. There is nothing important than peace in your life. Being pregnant is a very difficult time and most important support at this stage is your husband/partner.

I would suggest you should not tolerate his abuse. You can give your baby a more peaceful environment and yourself too. Get authorities involved and they will understand you and support you in any way.

All the best. Xx

[Octoberbaby2019]

I think speak to your midwife about your concerns and ask what help she can put you in touch with. Maybe see if you could talk to a lawyer free of charge to see what your options are, steps to take.Having a baby is stressful, but having a baby with an aggressive partner is another level of anxiety you don't need.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide. You're not alone x

[nbiggels]

I’m so so sorry to read about your situation, having a baby should be the most magical time and it’s so unfair that you have gave this extra worry.

I agree with Octoberbaby please speak to your midwife they will to provide extra support and advise to help you though this.

You and your baby need to feel safe. I wish you all the strength to do what’s right for you and your baby.

Your mummy instinct is kicking in trust it and do what feels right. xx

[EdinaMonsoon]

Hi, I feel so sorry for you. The situation you're in is heartbreaking. But you are strong! You have to be. You need to step in, for you, for the baby and for him as well. I wouldn't say he's worth saving, cause I don't know the guy. There must be something about him that made you fall in love. But you only have one life, so does your child. Wasting it with someone who doesn't make you happy is not something you want for both of you. Be firm, be strong and tell him straight forward that you need a break from him, cause he makes you feel bad, cause he makes you feel isolated. You have people to go to. You've got family and friends all you need to do is to ask for a place to sleep. Or make him go to his friends. There is a way out, there always is. You should love yourself and your child more than anything and anyone. Sometimes we have to be egocentric. You have to be happy in your life, and you want your child to grow up in happy environment. Take a break, it doesn't have to be forever, go to therapy, talk to your friends about your relationship. And let me just tell you, you don't have to make excuses for his behaviour. He's an adult, he can feel embarrassed for himself, you shouldn't. He doesn't want to go to see friends? You go alone and if someone asks you tell the truth. He doesn't like your family? It's your family, you should be able to see them and talk to them despite. You are strong. Your life belongs to you, not to him. Just cause you're married and have mortgage doesn't make you his. Please, don't expect him to change, don't think that you can change him, you're gonna waste your life trying to prove it. Fight for your happiness, for you, for your child and for all the women out there, who are stuck in violent, abusive relationships.