Relationship advice: Hi everyone, I’m hoping there is... - NCT

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Relationship advice

Fifikween
Fifikween

Hi everyone, I’m hoping there is enough help and support here to help me. I’m around 6 weeks pregnant and since finding out my partner and I have completely stopped getting along. We have been together just over two years and planned to move in together at the start of March. We were in a really good place and I was happy. Lockdown made my anxiety rear it’s ugly head with a vengeance and I was signed off work whilst I got my physical symptoms under control and was medicated and sought CBT. Since my anxiety, I can struggle with my moods and sometimes feel like I can’t cope but I’ve had a lot of family stress which has affected me. I’ve always had really good support from my bf but just days before finding out I was pregnant again he took it upon himself to tell me that I had Bipolar and that my behaviour was cyclical. Even though I told him this wasn’t true, he pretty much built this case against me using my mental health to tell me I was ‘unwell’ and ‘not right’. Since then we have been fighting constantly, I am living in his house and he has asked me to leave a few times, which makes me acutely aware that I have no security here. Yesterday, I started feeling the first pangs of morning sickness which I struggled with quite a bit, then found out my mum was sharing our news to other members of my family which upset me as I miscarried back in august and I want the all clear beforehand. Instead of getting any support, he just tells me I am constantly miserable, never happy and says things like ‘cheer up’, ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’.

I am trying to explain to him that the way he is speaking to me is hurtful, but he mostly denies what I say and tells me I am upset because I am unwell and that I won’t address it. He often throws things in my face, telling me I am the common denominator and that I fall out with everyone. Yesterday, I was so upset with his reaction to me that I took myself off to try and calm down as often things escalate it an argument, he knocked on the door and asked to come in to speak with me where an argument started, then he left the room and shouted ‘I recorded all of that’ making me feel like I am going crazy. He doesn’t seem to understand that provoking reactions and recording me is so disrespectful. He thinks all of the negative is coming from me and instead of offering me support he just adds to the stress by going against me. What do I do? I don’t want to be pregnant on my own and I don’t have anywhere else to go, I could just about to afford to rent a one bed flat on my own but I don’t know how long I could cope. I only have my mum locally and I am unable to live with her.

I do get angry, I do struggle with my emotions, but I can’t help but feel like my partner is taunting me instead of helping me which makes the situation worse. Today I told him I had been had been sick and he said ‘get well soon’. I’m pregnant! I can’t make him understand his language is inflammatory and making it harder for us to get along. When I tell him he’s being flippant and rude he has a go at me for name calling. I can’t win. When I was pregnant back in August we were both so happy, and we’ve just been away for a few days for his bday and had a really nice time and got along well. Is it me? I don’t even know anymore. We have both said that we should seek counselling as I think we could both benefit from help but I don’t know if this is a relationship worth staying in anymore. If anyone has any helpful tips, if there is another way of communicating that I could try or what I don’t know. I just really need some support.

3 Replies
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I’m no therapist. But maybe start taking steps to leaving him. It’s not healthy for you or the baby to have this much stress emotionally. As for mom, kindly explain to her that you don’t really want people knowing yet. My mother has a big mouth as well, sometimes I avoid telling her things altogether until it’s safe. I think counseling is good, but is it really working? Leaving you’re SO during pregnancy could be the best thing that could have happened to you. Stop thinking about him and more about your safety and well being for you and your baby.

I don't like the sound of how he is treating you, it seems a bit 'gaslighty', and you sound like you're staying for logistics rather than because it's a relationship you really want to be in.

Having said that, I don't think either of you should underestimate what a tough time you've been through. It's not been an easy year for anyone, but to have suffered a miscarriage too, and very recently, is a devastating experience for both of you, whether he acknowledges it or not. And to have the new pregnancy so soon after... your emotions (and hormones!!) must be all over the place.

Having a new baby puts an awful lot of strain on even the best relationship. I would definitely recommend getting yourselves to counseling to see if there's anything left to salvage of the relationship. If it seems like you can't work things out, counseling is still a good idea to work on communication for coparenting - you're going to be in each other's lives forever now, one way or another, there's so much more at stake now a child's involved.

You said you were happy before, so I hope together you can get back to that. You've had a rough time, sending big hugs xxx

Please speak with your midwife and ask for help. I am pretty sure single mothers get some help to support your housing needs. The relationship you describe is not healthy and adding a baby where you will have sleepless nights is going to make it so much worse. You don't need someone telling you you're a shit mum (which will happen as he already seems to throw stuff like this at you) and it will make you have PND. It has happened to me and my husband and me are fine, but when you're both tired you can say some real mean things and as a mum you will never ever forget it and doubt yourself sooo much in the start. You need positive people in your life. Other mums to be, allies that understand what it's like.

Please speak with your midwife I'm sure they can advise x

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