Am I being unreasonable? : I’m currently 36 weeks... - NCT

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Am I being unreasonable?

abheyes profile image

I’m currently 36 weeks pregnancy. Due to the Covid situation, social distancing is in place and my mum was going to be second birth partner but that obviously can’t happen either.

My mum keeps making comments that she’s anxious about not being at the birth and that she’s not going to be able to hold my newborn and I’ve gently expressed my concerns that we need to protect baby’s immature immune system. When I have seen my mum social distancing, she gets her back up when I show that I’m uncomfortable when she approaches me to try and touch my bump. She keeps saying that she doesn’t feel as close to me and she feels lonely. And most recently, during a group video call, starts saying she thinks I don’t like her because I’m concerned about anyone, other than my husband and I, holding our newborn and wanting to follow the social distancing that’s in place. She kept repeating that I didn’t like her and really putting me on the spot in front of our family friends. And quite frankly, it’s making me feel stressed and anxious myself and feel slightly suffocated by the whole situation.

Am I being unreasonable with my concerns and following social distancing?

21 Replies

O poor you. You just don’t need the extra stress right now! No you are not being unreasonable! You are putting you and your unborn child’s safety first and your mum should understand this and frankly she’s out of order! Can your dad bring her into line? That’s what I get my dad to do 😉😂I do understand how she’s feeling and She’s probably feeling really disappointed and needy at a time where grandparents generally are feeling a bit neglected. My mum is a bit like this and she keeps trying to touch/stroke my little one if we meet for a social distance walk and I jokingly tell her off. More for her safety as well as she has underlying health conditions. My mum made a lots of hints at being there for the birth and frankly and I felt pressured to give in and say yes but I didn’t and just played dumb and said I’d keep her informed.....so glad I did as it was a time for me and my partner and we wanted it just us two and it was a really special moment that we shared and look fondly upon. Hope I don’t sound harsh and I know you and your mum probably have a great relationship like I do with mine but they can overstep the mark and you need to just say no.....you could say something like ‘I’d love you to be there but we need to all protect ourselves and it won’t Ben long before we can all get together and have a big hug......’ kind but firm! But keep her in the loop! All the best xxx

abheyes profile image
abheyes in reply to Lovemylion

Thank you for your advice, I’ll try reiterating why I feel the way I do in the kind but firm way rather than gently 😂 xx

Lovemylion profile image
Lovemylion in reply to abheyes

You don’t need any more anxiety or stress at a time like this! Just tell her to stop being silly and course you love her and she will have plenty of cuddles once it is safe to do so! Enjoy your special time with you, your hubby and baby.....😉 it’s an exciting time 😘 xxx

I’m sorry to hear you are feeling this way, I am 39 weeks tomorrow and am in a similar situation with my mum.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, it is your duty to protect your baby in the way you see fit in these strange circumstances....we will probably be doing the same and allowing people to see him in the garden, but not hold.

I’m really anxious that this will cause arguments , but if something happened, I’d never forgive myself.

I think it’s best to try and explain that we all have our own attitudes to the risk of this virus and you will be approaching it in the way you want to, although it’s not ideal and wouldn’t be what you would do if this pandemic wasn’t going on and hopefully she will understand xx

abheyes profile image
abheyes in reply to Lydialego123

Thank you for your reply - this is it, I just don’t want any arguments especially in the current circumstances but I’ll try and approach it in a different way and ‘kind and firm’ like the above poster suggested. Hopefully, we’ll all come to an understanding. Stay nice and calm and good luck with bring little one into the world xx

Lydialego123 profile image
Lydialego123 in reply to abheyes

That sounds like a good idea - I really hope she understands or you as you don’t need any extra stress at this time! Thank you I will try my best 😊 good luck with your last few weeks and when your little one arrives xx

Ah it’s hard, my mum was also going to be there (I’m now 34 weeks) and can’t be, and she’s really disappointed.

In hindsight though it’s almost a blessing in disguise. We’re practicing hypnobirthing and she’s not really on board, keeps saying things like most women have to be induced / have intervention, and if they tell me I should have something I have to... So it’s not really in keeping with the ideals!

She’s probably feeling quite neglected and isolated by the situation, but it’s not you - however it’s not your fault and it’s not actually down to you to reassure her - you’ve now got other priorities cooking (which may also make her feel a bit left out...)

If it was me, on the calls I’d probably say “you’re being silly now, of course we like you but my priority is quite rightly my baby.” Can’t really argue with that.

Unfortunately most of the older generation don’t understand the distancing which makes it very hard! Xx

It does sound like a blessing in disguise with your hypnobirthing - I’m doing hypnobirthing too and it’s just not the conflict you need while you’ll be trying to keep as calm and relaxed and in control as much as you can. I hope all goes well for you 😊

Yeah I definitely need to confront it in a nice way. Thank you for your advice and reassurance xx

Thank you, you too! Funny how people think some situations are about them... A bit like getting married haha 🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

You are not being unreasonable at all. Being concerned about the health and welfare of your baby are traits of being an excellent parent. Your mum should understand and respect this. My sister is due at the beginning of July and has already told us that should visiting family be allowed by then that she may not allow us to hold her baby just in case which I completely respect as I would much rather he was safe and protected plus he’s not going anywhere so there is plenty of time for cuddles later on when there is less risk present.

abheyes profile image
abheyes in reply to mrsabc

This is it - there’s going to be so much time in the future. Thank you for your reply x

Something similar happened to me as well, my daughter was born on the beginning of lockdown and my mom didn't react well but when gathered my courage and asked her how she would feel if her granddaughter got sick because of her. If she would be able to leave with her self. And reminded her of so many people that don't get to be with the ones they love. I promised to send photos everyday. Even so when we meet I have to keep reminding her to keep her distance, it's not easy, but my midwife told me before my baby was born that I'm not just a daughter anymore, that I'm a mom and the changing in role within the family it's not always easy. Be firm but kind.

abheyes profile image
abheyes in reply to LeoDays

Yeah I think just constant reminder of why we need to follow the guidelines. Thank you for your advice. Hope you’re doing well with little one x

You’re not being unreasonable at all, my parents are being the same about me not letting them touch or kiss my little one, even when the lockdown is over. Your child comes first and anyone who is giving you trouble over the decisions you make clearly doesn’t have your child’s best interests at heart.

It’s really difficult to be firm when it comes to our mums, I really wanted my mum’s support as this has all been triggering my anxiety, but she was bullying me to let her hold my son, and trying to plan a birthday party for him, I had to be firm and we didn’t speak for a few days but after my nan spoke to her I think she’s seeing a bit more sense, do you have anyone who could speak to your mum and explain it’s not personal, you’re just trying to keep your baby safe, the way my nan put it was to ask her how she’d feel if she had it and spread it to my son, the reality check seemed to help her see where I’m coming from.

Hopefully your mum eases up on you, and you have an easy introduction to your little one x

abheyes profile image
abheyes in reply to Nin21996

Thank you, I’ll see how she goes over the coming days/weeks but if she doesn’t ease up on it. I’ll try and get my grandma to speak to her or someone x

No you are doing everything correctly. My mum hasn't seen my baby or 3 year old since lockdown started and she is missing out on my babys first moments. He has started crawling said his first words and she really misses him but its for the best - her health and ours. Its very hard for everyone - I am on my own with my children - my husband is still working and has been through the whole of lockdown so I am looking after them alone and miss my family but its how it is and will be for a while yet. Keep doing as you are - you will need to put your baby first .

Thank you for your reply, it’s such a hard time isn’t it? But I agree, we’ve got to do what’s right to protect everybody. Stay safe and strong x

Hey, so sorry to hear about COVID causing stress on your relationship with your mum.

You are doing the right thing, you have got to think about you and your babies health right now, you can make up that missed time with your mother when lockdown is lifted but you cannot risk your health or your unborn babies health.

The stress will not do any good, you must express to your mum that you are only doing what is best.

Good luck with your birth

abheyes profile image
abheyes in reply to Twindaddy

Thank you and thank you for understanding. I have gotten to the point where enough is enough with how it’s making me feel. So hopefully after firm but kind chat she’ll be a bit more understanding about it x

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest! I was really upset I couldn't have my mum there. My baby is now 4 weeks old and my mum still hadn't got a hold or a cuddle from her grandson. As she is a key worker, she completely understands and does not want to put him at risk which is how everybody should be. I understand how you feel as my partners dad keeps making comments about not getting cuddles etc but I just keep telling him, it's not how I imagined or expected and that I wanted my mother with me at birth, that couldn't happen and that he should be putting his grandchilds health first.

Don't let her make you feel guilty for putting your child first!

I have had garden visits with social distancing measures in place and reiterated that when anyone has made a comment ... "oh you can come for coffee in the garden and get to see him". This seems to end the conversation... and most people are pleased they can see him even from a distance.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, your health and your babys health have to be your main priority right now. Im so glad I found this post as I am going through something similar at the minute. My baby is 6 days old and I feel like my partners family are putting pressure on him to let them see and hold the baby. I just don't think it is worth the risk as there are other family members with underlying health conditions so I am thinking of them as well but my main concern is my baby. I have allowed socially distant visits so they can meet him from a distance but not all of his family have accepted the offer and i know that it will not be the same as holding him but it is all I am prepared to do for now. My partner thinks I am overreacting but I really don't think I am. Sorry for hijacking your post but I just needed to get that off my chest.

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