Crying baby (long post)

[lou121087]

Hi, my LG is 9months now and she is such a miserable baby. She cries all the time or she has huge meltdowns. It's really breaking me and I end up crying as I can't take it anymore. She sleeps well and eats well and we play a lot and she loves being in her walker as she can destroy the house when she pleases lol. But if I sit in the kitchen or touch my phone she's screaming at me to pick her up. If we're eating and she's not she has a meltdown and even pulls her hair! She has a habit of flinging herself back which 9/10 she ends up smashing us in the face. At the weekends it's not so bad as her father is home so she has twice the attention and he doesn't understand why I get so frustrated and upset with her. I literally said to my partner today I get 1-2 days out of 5 where I have no problems. When we're out and about she's fine or even when visiting people. My partner thinks it's because she's use to getting all my attention and the only way she knows how to get it is by crying. But I try and let her cry it out but she starts chocking so I have to pick her up. Is anyone else's baby like this? when she's happy she is the best baby and she is so funny and has a wicked laugh, also she's desperate to get about on her own but hates being on her tummy, she likes to stand so I know she gets frustrated at that. Thank you for reading x

[emmab178]

Feel your pain.

Have you tried distraction? Kids fall for distraction so easily its a great tactic. As soon as she heads into the meltdown try and nip it in the bud with distracting her. Oh look a dog (even if there isn't one! Still distraction and makes them look) or whatever she is into.

I noticed my daughter had more meltdowns when hungry. Snacks solved that!

[lou121087 in reply to emmab178]

I do try distraction before she goes too far but sometimes doesn't work. Like she can be screaming and I get noisy toys out but she just wants to be pick up then she stops but If I sit down she starts again. Like she can be screaming with me and as soon as her dad picks her up she smiles so I know nothing is wrong. And she gets really bad when tired and fights it every time despite trying to tire her out first as her naps are around the same time every day. We try and give snacks when we have dinner so she doesn't come for ours. I just don't get how a baby who has/gets everything she wants still cries so much or where her bad attitude has come from lol, I'm dreading the terrible twos if this is how she is now.

[emmab178 in reply to lou121087]

Its a phase. After this there will be a new one (wait for refusal of food!)

Distraction needs to be before its even escalated. Like if you know when you grab your phone it will come, before you grab it distract. Can't think what to suggest for distraction as too young for stickers or crayons. Me cooking was a problem for my LO. So i used to take toys into the kitchen. Put her in the highchair to watch what i was doing, talked to her throughout with what i was doing, gave her a pot and spoon to bang etc.

[Tiddly1984]

Have u tried comforting her when she cries but not actually picking her up. I would suggest making sure she’s ok and calming her down with words and direct contact but only briefly and then walking away. She needs to stop associating her tantrums with attention and pick ups. It won’t happen over night but hopefully after a while she’ll make new associations and won’t expect to be carried or for u to give in. Good luck.

[lou121087 in reply to Tiddly1984]

Yeah I have tried not picking her up and stroking her hair and talking to her but if she wants to be picked up she will kick off and her little face breaks my heart so I end up doing it. I'm just hoping she starts to get about on her own soon and she won't need me so much to get her about.

[copperkettle8]

That sounds really challenging for you!! You may have already tried this, but if you're able to carry her in a sling it could help both of you. When my 6 month old won't be out down but I feel I need to do things to stay sane I often sling her and she's really happy because she just wants to be with me. If you have a local sling library or shop they could show you how to hip carry or back carry so you can still do things with her in a sling.

[lou121087 in reply to copperkettle8]

She's a chunk so it really hurts my back to carry her as I did try but she also doesn't really like it. I do bring her into every room with me so she's close and give her things to do but it's as soon as I sit down to do something she's not happy. X

[Scarlett13]

She’s at the right age for separation anxiety so I’m sure it’s just that and a phase. I would leave going on your phone until she’s in bed if you can. Try and eat together so eating is sociable and you’re a role model to her for how to eat. Start singing or laughing or being silly to distract her. She may be picking up on your frustration which can make it worse. Constantly talk to her directly about what you’re doing so she is always involved and doesn’t feel left out. Keep persevering with the tummy time as she’ll be much happier once she’s independent and crawling. Good luck! Sounds very challenging! Also if you have her 9 to 12 month review booked in with the health visiting team you can discuss her behaviour and get more help and advice or give their duty line a ring or go to a drop in clinic for more advice x

[lou121087 in reply to Scarlett13]

She can get a bit funny if her dad like if I walk out the room she wants does a squeel wanting me near. But she's not always like that and she does get the odd phase where she cries at my family members so they can't go near her or say hello lol. We have lunch together but we don't have dinner until 7:30 due to my partners working hours so I try and out fruit in a dummy to distract but doesn't always work. And I do try and chat with her and give her things to act like she's helping. And if she's in her walker and I go into another room i get excited and tell her to come with which she loves and follows. And I do try with tummy time even putting a pillow under her. She does her a review at 11months so in March so I will mention it if she's still as bad. We go to the odd play centre but obviously she can't play with the other kids which she's desperate to do but we'll go more once she's finally getting about so it's not just me and her all the time. X

[Scarlett13 in reply to lou121087]

Sounds like you’re doing your absolute best and doing a great job with a strong willed, intelligent little girl! X

[Wondering20]

Hi Lou,

I’m sorry to hear that you are having a bit of a mare with your little one. It’s really difficult when your partner is working most days and you are solo parenting so I feel your stress!

There were a couple of things you said which really resonated with me. I’m not the perfect mum and I’ve often fallen into the trap of thinking my child is ‘bad’, ‘miserable’ , ‘grumpy’ etc, but it is much better to drop those labels - it’s hard - and replace them with thoughts like, ‘she’s having a bad day, I know she doesn’t mean to upset me’, ‘she needs something from me, what can I do to help her cope’. It’s so easy to Get angry and feel overwhelmed - I’ve felt like this in the past. Rest assured that if you can change the way you think it will really help you cope. Does that make sense?

Re dinner times, would it be so bad if she were to share in your dinner, just small amounts? I love that my little one likes to try everything on my plate - I can only see this as a positive thing, not least because a lot of my friends had trouble getting their babies and toddlers to eat anything remotely ‘varied’.

We had a really interesting [super stressful] moment recently when our toddler [20m old] had a PROPER meltdown in public for the first time. He was screaming and throwing himself about in my husbands arms then on the floor and I could feel my blood pressure rising [and I’m 8m pregnant at the moment so really must keep calm!].

Luckily my husband is laid back and rarely gets stressed. We comforted our toddler by explaining to him the reason why he couldn’t have more time to ride in the pepper pig camper van, and we told him about all the other things we had planned for the day. He was still crying but we knew he understood a lot more than we imagine. It required a great deal of patience and understanding. After about five minutes he calmed down a lot (though he was still tearful and upset) and we were then able to pick him up, talking to him positively about the rest of the day and distracting him with new things, people passing by etc.

This is very different from my upbringing, where my parents got cross, raised their voices and told me and others that I was “naughty”, “should be better”, etc. I think it made me behave worse knowing that when I thought I was just having fun, I was being bad, and so I think almost I took on that label and would act up regardless. Albeit I was slightly older [around 4] at this point and I had a baby sister with special needs. It took my mother in law - very recently - to explain to me that toddlers and young children have tantrums/throw things because they can’t communicate their feelings verbally; suddenly all made so much sense to me!

Ive recently had to get over the fact that my toddler won’t give me a cuddle if I ask for it. He will, however come to cuddle me when we’ve been relaxed and spending quality time together. It’s been hard lately because this pregnancy has meant that physically I’ve not been able to do the things with him that I would do before e.g. mornings I can’t get him out of his cot so he sees dad every morning. He often says “up” to me and I just look at him and explain that “mommy can’t pick you up right now because she has her hands full/mommy’s back is a little sore... but if we go into the other room you can come “up” on my lap, would you like that?” I’ve managed not to take it personally when he runs to

Dad and not me. It’s just a phase and is not a reflection of my love for him/his love for me or my [lack of] parenting skills. Don’t be too hard on yourself - your doing your best and no one is perfect!

Once your little one is walking things will be different [notice I didn’t say easier 🤣 - wait till she starts talking] and she may entertain herself solo for a few minutes at a time without needing you close by. I second the other things people have said on here about potential separation anxiety and it being a phase....

Hope I’ve been of some help ☺️

Very best of luck with everything x x

[Edith22]

I fell you. I’m struggling with my 20 month old son while trying to take care of my 8 week old son😣 it’s challenging some days some days it feels almost impossible to get through the day. My advice to you is to just be patient and hang in there. Babies grow fast. Enjoy the good and bad days . Once they start walking they become more independent & requiere less physical attention in my opinion. They don’t want to be held. Best wishes