Miscarriage - Please listen: I had a miscarriage in... - NCT

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Miscarriage - Please listen

FBA2018
FBA2018
39 Replies

I had a miscarriage in early September, I was almost 12 weeks. I can’t find peace these days. My best friend is pregnant, she is due on 25th December 2019 I was due on 25th March 2020. Being pregnant at the same time was like a dream come true, but my pregnancy stopped and hers continued. I feel awful. Both her and her husband have serious fertility issues and were about to start IVF when she became pregnant naturally. I was very happy for her, it was a miracle. I’m still happy for her but I really struggle with my own emotions. I don’t know how to show that I am happy for her, that my soul is destroyed for what happened to me, that I’m sad she doesn’t share anything of this magical moment with me, and I ask her about it and she shares something, it hurts for me anyway. I’m upset my baby is forgotten, that he didn’t matter, that I am not a mother, only because my baby is gone. I feel nobody understands me, it’s very lonely. Reading stories on the Miscarriage Association website and also here on Health Unlocked helped a lot, I know I have no reason to not become pregnant again again, but I still feel so lonely. Only when I will get pregnant again I will fill this void and become happy again.

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Cheekymonkey85

Have you spoken to her about this, I'm sure she will understand. I haven't been through what you have, but my best friend miscarried at 12 weeks, then became pregnant with twins. At 28weeks one of her twins passed away & she had the ordeal of carrying both babies to term. She's a private person & it's hard to judge the situation sometimes, we don't talk about it often, but I'll never forget the babies she never had & im sure your friend won't have forgotten your baby either x

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FBA2018

Thank you so much for your message, it means a lot.

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destiny121

Hi my lovely... I had a similar situation but it was the other way around. My best friend lost her baby at 24 weeks and I was 8 weeks ahead of her. We enjoyed being pregnant together and took lots of pictures etc and then the most awful thing happened and she went into pre term labour. She felt she could no longer speak to me and also sent me a long winded explanation as to why and that she didn’t want me not to express my joy and basicallly ended our friendship after 15 years.

Please don’t become distant with your friend and talk to her. I understood why my friend felt the way she did but she did not know that I had fertility treatment to achieve my pregnancy after 5 years. My point is explain to her how you feel and that you’re happy for her but you are grieving for your baby and she will understand and hopefully you can remain close friends because after all friends are meant to be together through thick and thin... wishing you all the best and you will have another baby.... be kind to yourself xxx

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FBA2018
FBA2018
in reply to destiny121

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sure this situation is hard for both of us. Life is just so unfair! I never have the opportunity to speak to her about it, it seems as if my pregnancy is over, that miscarriage happens frequently and there is no reason to discuss it.

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Beccl93

Hi, I also lost 2 babies & you do feel like they are forgotten! I also only found some ease when pregnant again, you don't really know how it heart breaking a miscarriage is until you go through it ☹️

Just remember its OK to feel envious & upset! But talk to her shes your friend, Im sure she feels guilty too & I bet she hasnt forgot your little angel baby she probably just doesnt want to bring baby up incase she upsets you xx

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FBA2018
FBA2018
in reply to Beccl93

Thank you for your message and sorry for your loss. I know for sure I can only be happy again when I get pregnant. When I had my miscarriage I thought that I could never be so happy again, not even with another pregnancy. I thought any baby that I will have will never be as beautiful or loved as the one I lost. But now I know that isn’t true, I was angry, I still am but I’m sure when I‘ll have my baby he will be most precious thing, just like the one that’s gone.

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Beccl93
Beccl93
in reply to FBA2018

I just felt empty until I was pregnant again xx

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gcw104
gcw104
in reply to Beccl93

Me too then mc 2 more times still empty and I’ve 2 kids already

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Hb121

Speak to your friend about how you are feeling she will understand. I went through similar I had a miscarriage a little while before one of my best friends had her first baby and found it really hard I explained to her that although it may not come across as I am happy for her because of my own pain I genuinely was really happy for her however it just reminded me of what could have been and she was really understanding. Sorry for your loss the pain does get easier as time goes on

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FBA2018
FBA2018
in reply to Hb121

Thank you for your message and sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I will try to speak to her but as I said, there are days we spend together when I’m just fine, we don’t talk about either pregnancies, we just talk about different things. If the subject ‘baby’ comes up it will only be about she baby she is about to have. I guess once I have my pregnancy again, it will get better for both of us.

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Hb121
Hb121
in reply to FBA2018

I totally understand I had two within a year of each other and found it really hard as either friends or family were expecting at that time. When you do fall pregnant again I know it's easier said than done but try not to stress over things and worry yourself too much. Once you've had a miscarriage it's very easy to worry something will go wrong in another pregnancy just remember every pregnancy is different and whatever is meant to be will be and try not to stress. Wish you all the best and hope you have a healthy pregnancy very soon :)

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Tgum

Sorry this is going to be a long one! I can really relate with this post. This happened to me about 3 years ago. My friend and I found out we were expecting at the same time. I was 2 weeks ahead of her. We shared everything, signs, symptoms, how rough we were feeling etc. At my 12 week scan however, it was picked up that my baby had acrania (where the skull does not form) and was a 'non-viable pregnancy' I terminated at 13 weeks. Hardest time of my life. It was made harder by the fact my friend who was at the same stage, sailed through her 12 week scan and began telling people and getting excited. She never did it in front of me or made me feel bad in anyway but I will always remember walking in on her telling someone at work and feeling like my heart would rip in two. I had to run to the loos and sob my heart out. Everytime I asked her about her pregnancy it did hurt and it did affect our friendship for a bit. I would say only shortly after she gave birth to her little boy and I was pregnant and confident enough to tell her at 17 weeks did our friendship repair itself. You have to deal with your emotions. Dont forget that she has been through some tough times too to conceive. You will become pregnant again and this will be behind you (not forgotten, definitely not forgotten, but will be the start of a new chapter) Don't let your friendship suffer. Let her know how you feel. She probably feels guilty that her pregnancy has continued and the best thing you can do is talk to her.

I have also been on the flip side of this. I announced my pregnancy and a different friend confided that she had had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. She was due 2 days before me. I felt awful. She knew I had been through it before and I think that has definitely helped both of us. I offered her support and I dont talk about the pregnancy unless she brings it up. Even then I keep it to a minimal as I don't want to upset her. I am hopeful she will fall pregnant again quickly and her heart will heal a little and we can be excited together.

My point is, it's difficult to be in both situations. Obviously your situation is the worse out of the two but it is still difficult being on the other side where you should feel excited but dont want to seem as though you are bragging about it.

Good luck with everything. I hope you fall pregnant again and I hope your friendship goes back to being strong again. Hugs and support x

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FBA2018
FBA2018
in reply to Tgum

Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sure she feels guilty and avoids the subject as she doesn’t want to upset me. I was hoping to get pregnant again while she was still pregnant, so that I could start to show her more excitement about her baby. She did go through a lot to get pregnant and she doesn’t deserve this. I feel our friendship is still there but I don’t feel is as strong as it was, especially after we had a couple of months when we were pregnant together.

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FBA2018

This is such a hard time for me because everyone seems to be pregnant. I have the fear to gather with friends, just in case someone announces a pregnancy. We were invited to a family lunch recently, a couple present at the lunch got married in June. I told me husband I didn’t want to go, that I was scared they would do a pregnancy announcement. My husband thought it was ridiculous and he went by himself. I was right, they are pregnant and due at the same time as me! How can I share any interest or enthusiasm for this couple now? How can I ever go to baby shower?

Every date reminds me of my pregnancy. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I think I wanted my husband to buy me a pregnancy necklace. My family from Italy is coming to spend Christmas with us in London and we’ll have the 2 families together, on Christmas day would have been the start of my third trimester. I opened a packet of cous cous the other day, checked the expiry date and it said April 2020. My baby was meant to be here by then...

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Pootleflumpet

I can hear your pain in your words and I’m sure your friend can feel it too and perhaps doesn’t know what to do for the best. I wonder if it would be worthwhile explaining how you feel in a letter ? You write very eloquently here and are able to explain your sadness and that you’re still happy for your friend whilst that also brings you pain. A letter might help to open up a dialogue between you, you could let her know what is and isn’t ok for you atm - what you need to do to keep afloat while you grieve, it might be enough that the unspoken stuff gets expressed but you don’t discuss it further. Or you may choose not to send the letter at all but find it helps you to write it all down. Just a thought.

Although your baby couldn’t stay, they still matter and you’re still a mother in my eyes and, i imagine, in other people’s eyes too x

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FBA2018

Thank you for your message. I surely think writing helps me a lot as I always have so many thoughts and mixed feelings and none to listen to me. For my husband, even it he wants a baby so much and tries to comfort me, everything seems to be so much easier.

Sometimes giving her a letter sounds like a good idea, sometimes I’m not sure if I should as it seems a closer chapter. I don’t want to make things worse between us. I know I will love her baby so much and I know when I will have a baby they will be best friends like us. Hopefully when she has the baby things will get easier for me too.

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Pootleflumpet

The experience for your husband is so very different, he will try his best to understand I’m sure but he can’t ‘feel’ it like you can.

If you word a letter the way you have just there, I doubt a true friend could turn you away x

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FBA2018

Thank you for your advice!

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gillyl

So sorry that you're going through this. Please talk to your friend, she maybe doesn't know what to say or do to help you. Please don't let it ruin your friendship. You are grieving and understandably its difficult to process emotions with what must be such a stressful situation.

I really hope things work out for you in the future. I haven't been in your situation before, but thoughts are with you xx

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FBA2018
FBA2018
in reply to gillyl

Thank you! :)

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San96

I had a miscarriage in 2018 and i was only 9/10 weeks and I totally understand its like a part of you is missing.. my sister was pregnant and had her baby and i just felt so empty and i guess jealous.. however i tried really hard to get pregnant again and my baby is due in 1 week and im very excited.. its not that ive forgot all the heart ache and pain that i felt with my first pregnancy its just like the hole in my heart is slowly filling and i wont be alone anymore.. and to be honest I understand how you feel its hard to talk to others about this as you think they wont understand but you should really speak to your partner about it.. hope this helps

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FBA2018

Thank you for your message and sorry for your loss. It must have been really hard for you at the time, given your sister was pregnant also. Oh trust me, my husband knows all about my feelings on a daily basis. All the best with your baby and I hope that happens to me too.

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hannabelle

Hey, it is difficult but you will get through this you can have my email so we can talk if you want i dont mind its EllieDavisEllieDavis@gmail.com.

I changed my name to hannabelle.

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FBA2018
FBA2018
in reply to hannabelle

Thank you so much!

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YunaMom

She probably is not sharing details of her exciting pregnancy because she doesn't want you to feel bad. She probably wants to tell you all abt her magical experiences, but she is trying not to sound like she is braggingtoo and risk making u jealous or sad.

I was like that when I was pregnant I didn't talk about my pregnancy to my single friends who can't become a mom yet ..

Sorry to hear abt ur loss. It must be hard but 12 weeks is very early Still in first tri. So the cells are not stable. And it's not officially an infant yet. So please don't feel like u lost a baby.

Lot of people experience what you just experienced and you will be fine next time!

Keep trying!

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Kitcat12
Kitcat12
in reply to YunaMom

Very hurtful and insensitive reply. Maybe you didn't mean it to come across that way but 12 weeks is not early to lose a baby, and no loss is easy to handle, whatever stage of the pregnancy it happens at!

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FBA2018
FBA2018
in reply to Kitcat12

Thank you for this, and yes, insensitive reply but no worries. Only when people experience it they can truly understand.

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Kitcat12
Kitcat12
in reply to FBA2018

That's true, lots of love to you x

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FBA2018
FBA2018
in reply to Kitcat12

Thank you, you too. And all the best to you and your baby boy.

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Kitcat12
Kitcat12
in reply to FBA2018

Thank you so much x

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jess1981
jess1981
in reply to Kitcat12

I agree , I thought that when I saw the reply. A life is always precious xxx

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hannabelle
hannabelle
in reply to Kitcat12

hey you will get there some greater power in the universe decided that you needed to let the child go but she or he will be waiting for you and you will have children keep hpe and faith

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nsha
nsha
in reply to YunaMom

I’m sure when you were pregnant and saw the 12 week scan you would agree that what you saw looked exactly like a baby and not “cells”.

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FBA2018

Thanks but unfortunately I do feel like I lost a baby.

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Johnnythecat

Dear FBA2018,

Reading your message I completely understand you because I've been through the same exact situation. I was pregnant and I lost the baby at 11weeks and my best friend fortunately for her she was 6 weeks ahead kept on going very well. Obviously I'm more then happy for her but after the miscarriage I felt no one considered my baby any more I felt like he wasn't important to no one (they kept saying better now then after) and my best friend stopped telling me about her progress.

Only when I was ready understand that the MISCARRIAGE wasn't my fault and I had to move on I was able to say to her honestly that I was willing to know everything about her and she started to telling me that she was afraid of discussing earlier and she didn't want to make me feel sad.

Everyone has their own points of view, I does not mean that they are not interested, they might be scared or afraid to have that conversation.

My myself I wasn't prepared to this argument before now, I know it is very frequent (but still not an easy talk).

After months of sadness crying and without any desire to even try again because I was afraid not to consider the first baby anymore (I was in love with him first time, i was so happy when i discovered it and so devastated after) I wasn't even trying to get pregnant again but it happened. Now I'm moving on in a different way. I'm not going to forget my first one but I have to be happy and relaxed and hope everything is going to be fine. I can say to you only to help yourself firt don't think about the others act we are different and only you can understand what you've thought.

Be kind to your self.

Hugs.

Wishing you the best

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FBA2018

Thank you so much for staring your story. Unfortunately after I told her that I wanted to be part of it and know everything, she still didn’t share anything. It was a huge thing for me when I wrote that text, I truly meant I wanted to be there for them, I was covered in tears thinking to himself her and her baby girl did nothing wrong and I should be there for them even if deep down it hurts. When I will get pregnant again I don’t know how I can share anything with her since she isn’t. I wouldn’t feel it’s not fair if we talked about my baby when we didn’t talk much about hers. When I ask her about scans, names etc it’s usually few words and the conversation is over, and By texts talking should be easier than in person. Anyway, thank you for your lovely story and all the best to you with your pregnancy, that gives me hope!

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hannabelle
hannabelle
in reply to FBA2018

@FBA2018

Hey you will get there and sometimes we all know it can be difficult but you have us for support. If she blocks you ask why and maybe this is not a good relationship tell her how you feel, but remember having kids can be stressful. You will get there if the relationship becomes bad end it and spend your time around positive things because you will then be more likely to have a child. distance yourself from stress and anxiety. Lots of love and good luck

Hannabelle

xx

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Johnnythecat

First of all I wish you could get pregnant again very soon so you can focus on yourself and only there do whatever you feel to do with her, if you feel comfortable you can share if not you'll have others to communicate with, don't worry about it. I do understand that sensation about texting her caring for them when even you wanted to be considered, in my opinion it is a mistake, i can recognize it now, because I did it too, I was devastated and I was just thinking about here every day asking how she was doing, in the mean time she was obviously busy and didn't want to ask me about the miscarriage (avoiding is not the solution but it's hard to explain it to everyone).

Please take care of yourself first and just take some time to truly relax your mind, if is ment to be the same the friendship will be the same if not you'll have other opportunities to share with.

All the best to you and forget your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.

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FBA2018

Thank you! 😊

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