Am i being selfish. : (long post sorry) So basically my... - NCT

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Am i being selfish.

lou121087 profile image

(long post sorry) So basically my partner has two other children we see every other weekend, We've just moved into a 2bed house for me my partner and our new baby. The kids only sleep over one night once a month. But am I being selfish in wanting to decorate the spare room as my daughters room. There will be a day bed with a spare underneath for when his children sleep over but I think eventually all 3 won't be sleeping in there and it will be mainly my daughters room. The kids had ideas of decorating of how they wanted it to look like but I have my own ideas as it'll be my daughter sleeping in there every night. The room isn't big enough for all there stuff as well as stuff my daughter will get as she gets older. She's only 4 months but it won't be long until she'll be in her own room. I'll add bits for them as well but not a lot as I don't want it cluttered. All there stuff has already taken over our cupboard under our stairs and there barely here as we normally go out. This will make me sound harsh and I do love his kids and do loads with them but this is my first little family and I'm getting feelings that I wish I got with someone who didn't already have children as I've had to adapt everything to accommodate them. Like change my car to a 5 door and buy them car seats and I have to drive to get them as my partner doesn't drive and now with a baby it's hard work being out with them as my daughter normally needs a feed around the time we have to pick them up and I have to feed her in the car a lot. And we don't live close to them since moving. I havnt mentioned anything to my partner as he'll start to think I dislike his children which I don't at all. I'm hoping this is still baby related emotions 4months on lol.

12 Replies

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Just explain to them gently that your daughter needs her own room as she's getting too big to sleep in yours and they have their own rooms at their mum's house so should know she will need her own space. Maybe compromise by maki g their sleepovers fun with a movie night and snacks or something? Or even ask them to help you decorate it for her so that they feel involved. I hope they understand.

lou121087 profile image
lou121087 in reply to CC2018

Yeah that's a good idea. I don't think they realise that 3 beds in there it's going to be tight. The daughter who is 9 wants a book shelf and a chair in the corner lol. But it's my partner I have to try and convince more I think. As every time I say something slightly negative about his children he gets really uptight, despite everything I do with them.

CC2018 profile image
CC2018 in reply to lou121087

Could you get a foldable chair that you could put away? Tesco had some of the camping chairs 2 for 12 pounds in bright colours with arms and cup holder that are comfy and collapse away for storage.

lou121087 profile image
lou121087 in reply to CC2018

Yeah we have two of those chairs already so she could use one. My partner uses one for when he has a cigarette so can't use that one being contaminated.

You’re not being selfish, it’s understandable, it’s a big deal having your first no matter what’s going on around you. Good advice above, asking them to help you with your daughter’s room and movie nights. Do you have a garden? Perhaps a summer house could work for his kids as extra space of their own? The chair and shelf would work in there.

lou121087 profile image
lou121087 in reply to Arya10

We have a garden but it's uphill and I don't really want to buy big things like that for them to never use it. As when it's sunny they want to go to a park or out and about. We don't have much money spare to buy them stuff there never going to use. As I said before we have a cupboard full of there stuff they don't play with anymore. And when it's sunny they always want to go out. We're waiting to see if I'm entitled to the maternity grant then I can buy little bits for them to do as they love colouring but we don't have a table and we have cream carpets and they drop pens all the time so they have nowhere to draw yet. I'm happy to make them feel welcome in the bedroom like I already have large alphabet letters with the kids initials to go in there. And they have drawers of clothes they never wear lol. And we can't put up shelves for a year due to it being a brand new house so nothing can go on the walls yet.

Arya10 profile image
Arya10 in reply to lou121087

It was only a suggestion. Sounds like you have it covered and don’t need any advice.

Not being selfish at all!

I totally understand how you feel. We all have this image in our heads how we would like to live.

It's very challenging at the times having a partner who has other children. And specially when the place is tight for all of you!

As others have said explain the problem to the children and get them to help decorate. Also next time they are over get them to sort through all their stuff and see what they don't want anymore

The points here are valid. This is your daughters only home and only bedroom. She will need her space, unfortunately they don’t stay as babies for long so she’ll need that room, unless you plan on sharing your room with her, but why should you! Maybe temporarily make it a neutral girls room but make sure that the cot is priority, and everything else the baby needs. Then add the extras here and there. I don’t know how you’re feeding (but just a suggestion) you could look for a second hand nursing chair to put in there. Even if you’re not bf it would be one that you can sit on to feed baby during the night. Ours is fantastic for doing story time on, I’m planning on keeping it for a while

It's a really tough one for me because although I agree your not being selfish, you risk making the older children feeling pushed out because of their new sister so it needs to be handled with sensitivity. Yes your daughter is always going to be your priority, but they can't be ignored because of it. I think a compromise is needed here, let them help in a controlled way. Give a few options that you think are acceptable for the room & let them help you choose so they have a sense of belonging in your home x

Thank you all for your replies. Its mainly my partner who will feel I'm pushing the children away as he'll happily let them loose on decorating the bedroom how they'd like. But I think once we start to do the room I'll let them choose a couple of items they'd like to go in there. But I know when they come to ours there always like "let's go to our room" and obviously there isn't going to be much of there's in there, as someone said my daughter will need her space in her room as she gets older. I'm sure I'll figure it out xx

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