Struggling with my pregnant step sister : Hi everyone... - NCT

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Struggling with my pregnant step sister

E_05 profile image

Hi everyone,

I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant and so grateful to be after 5 cycles of IVF and 2 mmc. However my step sister announced a while ago she’s also pregnant by accident and is 3 weeks ahead of me.

I’m struggling with my anxiety and the fear of losing another baby, where she’s breezing through her pregnancy buying anything she can and constantly posting photos. I unfollowed her on Facebook and insta so I wasn’t constantly bombarded but today it’s started on snap chat with videos of her baby’s heart beat.

It’s really upset me and every time I see a photo I feel like it sets my anxiety back again. I understand she’s happy and has no reason to be fearful I guess but I feel like people are constantly comparing us and for me it’s reminders of how my pregnancy could of been if we hadn’t been on such a tough journey.

I honestly thought once I was pregnant, other pregnant people wouldn’t bother me but maybe the pain of infertility and loss never leaves us. I don’t know if I’m just being extra hormonal but wondered what you would do in the same position?

27 Replies

It’s understandable to feel a little bit off with others’ pregnancy news still. We have a cousin on each side due about 4 months after us - one had IVF, so it’s easy to feel very happy for her, the other only tried a few months (although did have a MC before this one), and for her I am still happy even if I feel a little “put out” as this was supposed to be our time. However any slight negativity is overruled by how excited we are for our baby. I guess you have to flip it on it’s head - imagine how much worse it’d be if your step sister was pregnant when you weren’t? As it happens; you ARE pregnant!! 💜 you have your own little one cooking away inside you. Try to let the happiness of that overcome anything else. Try to see the good things like your kids could grow up close cousins with being exact same age, you can confide in each other with how knackered you feel or what else you need to get for the nursery (it doesn’t need to be a competition). Try to have your glass half full - she is pregnant, but you ARE too 😊 xx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to WeeMrsH

Thank you, that is the constant reminder I tell myself ‘all I need to focus on is my baby growing inside of me’. I guess it’s always going to be hard with anxiety when you’ve struggled to get pregnant, I’m hoping as time goes on il begin to believe this baby will arrive healthy.

I have said to my hubby, it should be so exciting next year cousins so close in age but all I can think it something bad will happen to our baby and il be left watching her bring up hers xx

WeeMrsH profile image
WeeMrsH in reply to E_05

Nothing bad will happen my lovely. But if it were to, worrying whether it will won’t stop it happening unfortunately. You need to cherish this time and the moments and fabulous feeling of growing your baby. You will feel tons better once you can feel them moving - trust me 😊. It’s the most amazing thing! 😍The anxiety never really goes as JoJo has said. I worry all the time about what I have or haven’t done - am I lying the right way, were my jeans too tight, should I have ate that!? It’s constant. And until baby is here that won’t change. Have you spoken to your midwife about your anxiety levels? They can refer you to a mental health nurse to help you manage it during your pregnancy; might be worth thinking about if you haven’t already. You don’t want to be miserable hon, it’s not fun and will rob you of your joy with your baby growing inside you. Anxiety is stressful and you deserve to be happy xx

in reply to WeeMrsH

Nail. On. Head. Xx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to WeeMrsH

I know you are right, I do often think that if everything goes okay I don’t want to look back next year and think I missed out enjoying milestones. I can’t wait for proper movements, at night I’ve started to feel like flutters and a tumbling feeling which I’ve been told is early movements.

Yeah my midwife knows and I’m really well supported by my bereavement midwife, I see her weekly still. Thank you for the advice, helps talking to people who understand xx

WeeMrsH profile image
WeeMrsH in reply to E_05

Sounds like movements indeed!!You’re welcome and I’m glad you’re getting support from the right people. Have you had your 16 week midwife review - you’ll hear heartbeat at that xx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to WeeMrsH

Yeah it was a cover midwife as mine was off sick and it was horrendous, she couldn’t understand why I was anxious as I was past the gestation I miscarried. I was due to have bloods taken for my consultant to and she said she couldn’t do it because it wasn’t up to her to 😣

I have heard the heartbeat a few times through my bereavement midwife though, it’s amazing xx

Hi E_05

WeeMrsH is right. Let other people have their moments. You have yours....make memories of your moments with your little one ie scans etc. You have a precious miracle growing inside of you and its a special time for you and your OH. This is your time and it is extra special pregnancy after everything you have gone through. What you have had to cope with, other people who are not in your situation will never understand or have coped. But you are a fighter and you are a strong person so that makes you even more special. Omg you are pregnant and you are going to have a baby! Hope you have a healthy and happy remainder of your pregnancy, labour and birth. It WILL happen. Believe in yourself, dont lose hope or faith xxx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to Masha111

Thank you so much, I think that’s what I’m struggling with the constant anxiety that something bad will happen. Hope your pregnancy continues to go well x

Masha111 profile image
Masha111 in reply to E_05

Thank you. I know anxiety is always there especially for anyone who has TTC and gone through IVF. But we will get through this 💖

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to Masha111

We definitely will, so re assuring to be able to speak to people on here who do get it xx

I understand how you feel. I posted about a particular cousin who had told me she and her husband were in their 2ww whilst I was feeling anxious waiting for my viability scan. I had visions of her falling pregnant and me miscarrying and having to watch her bump grow. She had fallen pregnant (first month, third child) but luckily my little baby stuck around too, however I was put out that she is only 3 weeks behind as I wanted to have the moment to myself. I do feel bad for her as she's had quite a lot of issues with this pregnancy whereas mine has been straightforward, but when she told me the other day that she might have to be induced at 37 weeks I couldn't help but feel put out that she might 'pip me to the post'. However, it's not a competition but if it was I have already won because I get my baby at long last, who cares when hers is born (as long as they are both healthy).

It's hard not to compare yourself, but WeeMrsH has made some good points. Infertility and miscarriage can rob you of so much joy but it's so important to find the positives where possible. That doesn't mean going out and buying loads of stuff and posting scans pics on social media, but just taking a step back to see how far you've come on this journey and savouring the moment you're in right now. One day at a time.

Do you and your step sister get on? Does she take an interest in your pregnancy? It's important that the support works both ways so if you feel you don't get anything from her then you are within your rights to take her off snapchat for your own sanity. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do about her posts but grit your teeth and smile through it, and just remember you have your own lovely baby to look forward to soon. xx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to

I remember your post now you’ve said it, tbh I think that’s my only ‘issue’ I’m so anxious something bad will happen and il be left watching another family member have their baby. I’m not really bothered she brought stuff as our situations couldn’t be further apart or who’s baby arrives first - as long as they both arrive healthy.

We do get on but she hasn’t once asked about my pregnancy or barely replies to messages, I just see all her updates on social media xx

Masha111 profile image
Masha111 in reply to E_05

Its about give and take. That support needs to be there from her part too like jojo said. Otherwise thats just selfishness on your step sisters part and she should give some consideration to you. Beyond belief why people do this.

in reply to E_05

I know, that's totally understandable. Things still cross my mind even now, but you have to try and push the negative thoughts away. Unfortunately it's not that easy to do but I think it does get easier for most people with every milestone you reach. Just talking your fears through with people you trust could help. I remember you did cbt? Do you think those techniques could help when you get anxious?

I sometimes get very anxious worrying if I've harmed the baby in anyway (silly I know) and won't fully rest until it's safe in my arms.

I remember buying a few vests and muslin cloths and feeling bad in case I'd jinxed it! It's horrible we can't enjoy the little things like most people. We bought our first baby grows 2 weeks ago!

I hate social media, I believe it makes anxiety worse. I had to come off Facebook when we were struggling and I'm glad I did. Can you do the same, just until you feel stronger? Xx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to

Have you found your anxiety has eased the further along you’ve got? Yeah I did CBT and still use a lot of the techniques, I think the problem is (as I’m sure for many of us) not having the re assurance especially after having missed miscarriages there was never a sign anything had gone wrong.

Aw I’m glad you was able to buy some baby grows, I think like you’ve said it’s just doing it in your own time. I was thinking about coming off Facebook, not sure it actually does and help xx

in reply to E_05

My worries definitely eased the further along I got, but then I didn't have the additional stress of worrying about mmc, even though it did, of course, cross my mind. I'm sure I would be feeling exactly like you if I was in your situation.

I started to fully relax after the 20 week scan and I really do think it will help when you start to feel the baby move. There will always be moments of worry throughout your pregnancy but it seems that's a very normal part of pregnancy! Just give yourself time and do things when you feel ready. There is no right or wrong way about how you should be feeling so cut yourself some slack, you've been through an awful lot.

I used to scold myself if I started to feel excited about being pregnant, but I can honestly say I am so genuinely excited now and really can't wait to be a mum. I'm sure you will feel excited at some point but don't put yourself under any pressure to feel or be a certain way. Xx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to

Aw it’s so re assuring to read this! Thank you so much, I can wait to feel movements I think it makes it feel more real to if that makes sense. I’ve started feeling flutters and tumbling feelings at night which I’ve been told is early movements 🤞🏻just got to take it day by day I guess xx

This is so similar to me although I can’t relate to miscarriage thankfully, sorry to hear that. Im anxious 24/7 without having been through what you’ve been through. I am 15 weeks and my best friend is 23 with her third. I can’t seem to be happy hearing about her pregnancy as i am so fearful of something going wrong for me and then me having to see her and her baby. So anxious. I wonder if after the 20 week scan we will feel better? I’m not buying things until after then either. I’ve been told I have low papa a and at risk of preeclampsia, a small baby and early delivery due to higher risk of placenta problems. This has sent me into a frenzy of worry and like you I thought once pregnant it would be all good from then on! Take care xxxxxxxxx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to MrsH007

Thank you and sorry you’re feeling in a similar position. I’m definitely hoping the further we go on, the more re assured we’ll feel.

I’m not surprised you feel a bit uneasy after being told all of that, can you speak to your consultant for some re assurance?

Always here if you need a chat xx

MrsH007 profile image
MrsH007 in reply to E_05

Aw thank you. Yes saw consultant last week, she didn’t seem worried, said it just means I’m now under consultant care as well as community midwifery. Extra scans to check growth. My consultant advised on inducing early anyway due to ivf and the campaign to reduce the still birth rate, apparently 39 weeks is the safest time to deliver.... I’m not even going to think about birth etc until after 20 week scan, not in the right frame of mind as I will spend the next 6 months worrying! When is your 20 week scan? Mine is Christmas Eve! Eek! Xxxxx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to MrsH007

I’ve been told that to about IVF babies being smaller and having extra scans, I look at it that there be extra cautious which is all I want.

Oh wow that’s quite exciting!! Mines the 14th December but I’ve got a re assurance scan next week with my consultant 🤞🏻xx

MrsH007 profile image
MrsH007 in reply to E_05

Ah that’s going to help you a lot :-) xxxxx

I still find some pregnancy announcements hard. My husbands brother and his new girlfriend are expecting I cried when my husband told me the news. They have only been together 6 months and she's already 5 months pregnant. I'm trying to be happy for them but I keep worrying that ours will go wrong and I'll have to play happy families. I don't think the worry or anxiety fully goes away. At least this time we are both pregnant and hopefully nothing will go wrong. Xxx

E_05 profile image
E_05 in reply to Penders

Thank you, it’s re assuring that others say they feel this way, my anxiety is the same about having to play happy families. I know we’ve got to keep positive and I desperately trying to now. How are you doing otherwise? Xx

Penders profile image
Penders in reply to E_05

I'm doing ok thanks. Got 16week midwife appointment next week. Think I'll feel a bit more positive after the 20week scan. Xx

This has been such a nice and supportive thread (it just popped up on my feed eventhough it’s 4 months old).

How have you been? Hope the pregnancies have progressed v well and you are getting ready for the final sprint now! I hope you will be holding your healthy babies soon and all anxiety will be over 🍀🤞🏼

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