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I feel like I'm not normal!

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I've ever posted on anything like this.

I was with my ex husband for 8 years and we had firmly decided against having children- sadly we divorced after 3 years of marriage! I have been with my current partner for almost 2 years now and we couldn't be happier.

I found out I was pregnant with our 'surprise' baby 4 weeks ago and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I cried everyday for the first week or so. I tried to start a conversation with my boyfriend the next day about whether or not we should continue with the pregnancy- but he said that wasn't a conversation he thought we needed to have as we love each other, live together and both have good jobs- like there's no good reason not to go through with it. The tears are on and off now but the anxiety of my first child has over taken any form of excitement. I can't help thinking that I wanted longer with my current partner (just us), that we're going to lose spontaneous sex and nights out, that's we've only had 2 holidays together, that we had a plan to save up to buy a house together & now that may not be a realistic goal etc etc...

My boyfriend has a 6 year old child from a previous relationship that says with us on weekends. My bf is so excited to be a dad again and keeps shrugging of my concerns like they don't have any merit- he's trying his best to get me excited by taking me to baby stores n talking about baby names. We have told our immediate family and best friends, as my boyfriend thought that sharing it with them might boost my excitement- but I cry everytime I need to tell someone new & my feelings of being abnormal increase as everyone but me is so excited. Now my boyfriend has started to feel a bit down cos his efforts to get me excited have all been in vain & it's making me feel so terribly guilty.

Has anyone else felt this way or should I seek professional help? I'm scared I'll never get excited & that then in turn won't be a good mum.

Sorry for the rant.

7 Replies
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A big shock for you so I think your normal. Had you and your bf discussed babies?

Babies do change things however to a huge degree you have done control over this. Grab a spontaneous quickie, go for dinner dates, these are important for any relationship. I think deep down though you have to decide if you want a baby. It’s ok to not want one. Talk together. Good luck xxx

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It’s never easy accepting life is going to change (and I’m highly organised and controlling over what I do), even though my 2 week old baby was IVF and therefore very much wanted I still question have I done the right thing etc. Like you I enjoy time with the husband alone, holidays jut the two of us doing what we want, sleeping when we want, as much as we want (I love my sleep!) I’m not going to lie, it is hard, but she is super cute and we bond a little more each day, now I just need to deal with my anxiety over her crying/needing feeding whilst we are out, hubby has just gone back to work today too so no more help! I hope you can continue to talk with your bf, it’s not an easy decision and not when you both disagree, you are not abnormal for having these feelings but if you think it would help counselling might be a good idea, you can ask the midwife for one at your 8 week booking in appointment which you must be due soon x

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Hi, we are already trying to have a baby but before we made this decision and even once we start trying I was terrified of all the things you have mentioned, how our life will change, how we should have more time, how I would have to postpone my carrier progression my being on maternity leave, etc. But then before we got pregnant I had a time to get use to the idea of the baby are with a straight brain I was able to rationally understand that this is an amazing thing to have a baby and now don’t want anything more. The reason why I am saying this is that you were catch by surprise and didn’t have a time to accept the idea of the baby, I guess the fact that your first marriage didn’t work out as you were expecting on your wedding day doesn’t help either and on the top of that as you are now pregnant your hormones are going crazy and make you feel all sorts of you just don’t understand. It is very normal to worry about being a good mum trust me we all have that worry whenever how planned the pregnancy is and I can assure you that you will be a fantastic mum. You will also get to realise that you can still have all those things you wanted, holidays, house, time for yourself (what a babysitters and families are for😜). You will be surprised how the things work out.

Give yourself some time to adjust to all the changes and don’t feel bad for how do you feel!

It is good your bf is supportive and you can talk to him, I would recommend continue to share your feeling with your partner and if you feel it will help absolutely get a professional help.

I hope you will better soon 💕💕💕

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Hi! get help dear do not take it lightly it could be prenatal depression if there is such a thing.

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Hi. I have a 'surprise' baby too, our second and we were only planning on having one. When I found out I was pregnant I cried lots about all the things we now wouldn't have (holidays, first child wanted a dog, how will we pay the mortgage now etc). I think it is really normal although it didn't feel it at the time. Also telling people was hard cause I knew they would know it was unplanned and think I was either an idiot or lying. But as soon as my little boy arrived I was so in love with him, and a lot of the things I worried about - yeah, they're still there but they don't feel nearly as important or as unmanageable as they did. Wouldn't be without him now for the world. If you're worrying I would highly recommend getting help, your GP might be able to signpost you or maybe see if there's an NCT helpline. Going through it all unplanned is tough but you shouldn't have to go through it alone. Wishing you luck!

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Just to add, when I was trying to decide whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not I had support from our local walk in clinic for contraception etc and then from GP as well. Both were great, neither made me feel like a bad person for not being sure, and now that decision is made and little boy is here GP has never made me feel like I'm not a good enough mum because I didn't know that I wanted him from the start. So if you do need to ask for help or somewhere you can just talk things through with someone who isn't involved don't be scared to ask.

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i think its quite unacceptable for him to be taking you to baby shops etc when you are feeling the way you are. You have every right to make a decision about this and a guilt free one at that, you should talk to someone about it, mainly your partner but if he isn't entertaining communication about this then definitely talk to someone else. It is a major life changing event that will turn your lifestyle upside down. I never wanted children before I met my partner, now i love being a mom more than anything but it is very trying on relationships and on your mental health and wellbeing and you are completely entitled to think about your options and choose to do things later or not at all if that is what you want and need

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