Am I being selfish. (long post)

[lou121087]

Hi. I'm 9wks pregnant. Me and my partner don't live together we both still live at home with our parents as its cheaper. We've been together almost 5yrs and have only been seeing his 2kids for just over 2yrs as the ex stopped him for 2yrs when I came along. we are trying to save to move out but it's hard. We see the kids every other weekend and they sleep over at his once a month. I stay at my partners house every weekend and it's a good half an hours drive to his and i stay when the kids do. My partner doesn't drive so it's all down to me and sometimes I just feel like a chauffeur. As I then have to drive to wherever we're going for the day. Me and the kids haven't gotten really close there both Mummys kids but we get on really well. He's just told me that the kids might be coming over every weekend. One visit on a Saturday the next they'll sleep then the following visit on the Sunday. I work full time as a carer and I'm pretty exhausted and look forward to quiet weekends. And the thought of every weekend having to drive to collect them and drop them off I feel exhausted thinking about it. So I told him that some weekends he'll just have to have them on his own so I can have a free weekend. He called me selfish and that I'm making him feel guilty for seeing his kids more. Which isn't the case I never said it shouldn't happen. This will be my first child and when the baby is here then it's something I'm gonna have to get use to and his kids being around which is fine when we live together. I might have to live at home when the baby arrives if we haven't found anywhere and I will still have to drive with the baby to his and then still do the running around for his kids. Am. I wrong in wanting the odd weekend alone while I still can?

[Billywhizz10]

I'm a bloke and it sounds like your partner is taking the mickey out of you. Put your foot down, he has to man up, learn to drive, those 2 kids are HIS responsibility not yours, you have your own baby soon and he'll have to support that one too, he is after all with you. You and your new baby are his primary family now, and he needs to be reminded of this. He's the one being selfish. I suspect as he was stopped from seeing them for a while, he's desperate to see them as much as possible and losing sight what he already has in front of him.

Make it clear to him that things have to change, and once you become heavily pregnant I doubt you will want to drive around like a taxi service, or once you've given birth - So he should accept he has to carry the load with the extra responsibility of his kids from the previous relationship, its not your job its his.

[lou121087 in reply to Billywhizz10]

He doesn't see it from my point of view he thinks I have an issue with his kids which I don't at all. I've spent loads on helping him, he had to see them at a contact center for a couple of months which I had to take him to and wait around. I had to buy the car seats and make them comfortable beds to sleep on as they have to sleep on his floor when they stay over. So I love his kids but yeah he just thinks I'm selfish for not always wanting to be around when they are. His kids are 6 and 8 and can be hard going sometimes. But I'll speak to him again and just say I'm happy for him to see his kids as often as he wants but there is no harm in him having them on his own once in a while. He just never let me say that before getting annoyed. I just feel like I've done so much for him and his children and I don't really get much back. I've told him to learn to drive and he can drive my car which would take a bit of pressure off but he just won't says he doesn't have the money.

[MummyChlo]

Maybe if you let him know how tiring it is being pregnant, in the first trimester the hormonal changes are draining and later on when you’re lugging around a big baby bump... you’re working full time and need a little time to rest. Say you’re over the moon that he’s seeing his children more but it’s tiring driving around all the time and you need a bit of time to rest. You could always say you’ll probably feel better in the second trimester when you get some energy back but right now even though you’d love to spend more time with them, you need to think about yours and your baby’s welfare... and working yourself into the ground without a break isn’t going to be good for anyone. (Could always make a joke about taking it out on him if you don’t get enough sleep?) you don’t want to put him in a situation where he feels like he’s got to choose between his older children and his new family.. Could he learn to drive himself? I know it’ll take a while but if he focuses on getting his own license that could help a lot in the long run (for example if you do have your own place before you give birth, how are you planning on getting to hospital)

[lou121087 in reply to MummyChlo]

He uses the excuse that his ex was never this tired when pregnant and that I play on it. He never thinks before he speaks. When I tried to tell him that he can have the kids on his own once in a while because I don't want to drive them around all the time he just got annoyed acting as if I don't like his kids. But I've done so much for them, I even paid for the car seats so we could pick them up. And he refuses to drive he says there's plenty of parents who don't drive and get around fine but he's had to get them on his own a handful of times as I've always been there. And he thinks my family will take me to the hospital but I can't rely on everyone else to support me when he should. I just don't see how one weekend once in a while he has them on his own. I knew it was coming but as we don't live together yet it's something I shouldn't have to deal with straight away.

[MummyChlo in reply to lou121087]

I’d end up blowing up if my OH compared my pregnancy to someone else’s... everyone is different, no pregnancy and baby are the same. I was completely fine with my first barely got morning sickness, was running around even when I was in labour yet my second was completely the opposite! And he isn’t coping just fine without being able to drive, he’s relying on you... if I can pass my driving test at 8 months pregnant he’s really got no excuse..

You’re definitely not being selfish wanting some time to yourself. This is the one point when you have to put yourself first. If you’re over tired and stressed it’s not good for you or your baby. He needs to think of you first (I had this argument with my OH when I was pregnant - I said this was the one point in my life when I’m the most important person. As soon as he is born then our attention shifts to him. But for as long as I’m carrying him my health and happiness directly affects him.)

I’m not saying stomp your feet until you get flowers and chocolates but he should be thinking about what’s best for you as well as his existing children.

[lou121087 in reply to MummyChlo]

Yeah he knows I'm not happy when he compares me to her pregnancy. We had a miscarriage in February so I'm extra cautious about everything with this pregnancy so every ache and pain and tiredness I address. And I told him all he has to do is pass his test and he could drive my car which would help a lot as he could use it to get the kids on his own. But again he won't. I don't want him to not have them because of me which I think might happen after we fell out about this. The kids dont know I'm pregnant but when we can tell them I'd love them to get involved but if still like a day off lol

[Kata89]

I think there is a bit of give and take needed here. You don't live together which isn't going to be easy for either of you. I agree he does need to start driving, it's really frustrating if you're the sole driver in a relationship.

I personally think that he needs to be careful about his relationship with his children. He doesn't want to risk losing them again and I don't blame him. I do know people who have been in that situation and it's hard for them.

Equally if your relationship is going to last you need to accept that his children are going to be around. Especially if you move in together. It'll be harder when baby is here so it won't hurt getting used to them being more of a presence in your life now. Think how you would feel if you were them or it was your child.

All three of the children need to feel equally loved by both of you. Your partners children won't want to feel like they are being replaced and you don't want them resenting you or the baby.

You both need to talk about this before you loose each other. I don't think either of you are being selfish, it just sounds like neither of you are on the same page and that's not good for any of you, the children included.

[lou121087 in reply to Kata89]

The kids know id do anything for them. I'm always doing arts and crafts with them and making them cakes so I never leave them out. It's just he acted like I don't want to be around every single time when it's just one weekend I think he can have them alone. I think I got more frustrated as he's discussing this with his ex but never informed me of what he wanted. And I have no issues him seeing his kids. But while I live miles away and drive constantly for work and then have to drive them around I get exhausted as I then have to drive home Sunday evening. When we live together it'll be totally different as he can go get them on his own and bring them back to our place and I won't have to travel all the time. But I can't sit at his house and make him go get them on his own. And every time we mention driving he just gets angry. He done a bike test so he could get to work and we could move to anywhere but that's it.

[Kata89 in reply to lou121087]

My oh is like that with driving. So I totally understand the driving issues. We got a taxi to the hospital anyway so we didn't have to worry about the parking. I had an elective c section. And he doesn't think before he speaks half the time.

It's hard but you'll have to get it all out in the open before it all gets too frustrating for you. Sit him down and make him listen. Make him listen then leave him to think it through.

[lou121087 in reply to Kata89]

Yeah we spoke today about it all. But I think he's not going to have them every weekend because of me which I don't want. I want him to see them as often as he can as he missed out a lot when they were babies. But I think he understands as I said all he has to do is sit in my car while I do everything else like getting petrol. Cleaning up after there mess lol. I guess I'll have to wait and see what he does and we'll work something out.

[Sisi14]

If he’s not seeing them every weekend based on you not being there every single weekend that’s a cop out , your trying to encourage him to see and have his children but he doesn’t need you to hold his hand he made those children and he should step up to the plate and not put on you or depend on you. Yes when you live together it’s all different as I’m a step mum and a mum to my own but until we lived together we had to compromise as I had every second weekend to myself as my ex used to see my children so when my partners daughter was with us every weekend I’d allow them to have time together and catch up with my sisters as I sometimes needed time out!

My partner lived with his mum but I had my own place so I had to also make room if I wanted us to live together!

Your partner does need to grow up though if he doesn’t want to drive then he shouldn’t rely on anyone for his responsibilities and also his children can’t keep sleeping on the floor he needs to give them stability and routine!

I hope you get to sort it out together. Xx

[lou121087 in reply to Sisi14]

We've all told him this. I know money is tight as he doesn't earn a great deal and he pays for child maintenance which has just gone up. I just feel like since being with him it's all been about him and his children. I understand they come first and he misses them. Unfortunately his older brother moved back home after splitting with his wife otherwise the kids would of had a bed to sleep on so I've tried to make them as comfortable as possible and when i don't sleep over they sleep in his bed. I've put our names down on the housing list as I live in a smallish room and when baby comes there's going to be no room what so ever. So I'm just stressing at having to deal with living situations. Going to all my appointments and now possibly giving up my free time. And it also frustrated me that we fell out over something he might not even do now. It's so difficult living apart but trying to be a family as it all feels separate with me living miles away and the weekends are the only time we get to see each other fully. And I'm always so tired which never helps. But I'm sure we're sort it eventually x

[Jazzy313]

Congratulations with your new bundle! Sounds like your a sweet person and enjoy helping other people! You can't save his relationship with his kids‼️ Don't allow him to put extra pressure on you while being pregnant it's unhealthy for your unborn baby‼️ If you want a weekend to yourself take it‼️I would tell him I can't come,my doctor told me to get on bed rest ,do to test results‼️ I don't want to judge but he sounds very inconsiderate and foolish ‼️ Keep in mind sweetie You Can't Reason with a Fool‼️ I wish I was near you so I could help you piece him together even if it means cutting him off some type of way‼️ Best wishes to you I hope the rest of your pregnancy is peaceful ❤️💚💙💛💜❤️🌈 I'm sorry for being so blunt🤐