Hi, first time posting.
Please note I know I've just got a lot off my chest in the content below. I clearly needed it. I don't have many friends or people to talk too about this kinda thing, therefore I've went to town on this. Sorry.
Back story (sorry its very long).
From the age of 12 I was in a relationship with my first love and back then I always knew he was the one I was going to grow old with, have kids with, be with forever. When he was 17, I was 16 he dumped me after a friend of his was killed in a boating incident... he went into depression and dumped me. Right after that he got together with another girl and since then they've been together and had 2 kids together (This killed me when I found out, in the back of my mind I still go they should be my kids....I know).
I had kinda got over him and moved away for uni and moved on with my life, always checking up on him every 6-12 months...
Well 3 months ago I got dumped over text from my long-term partner of 4 years after a tough tough year together.
The day he split up with me I got drunk and phone my first love and I didn't except him to answer the phone tbh, we hadn't spoke on the phone in 7 years, we hadn't seen each other in 7 years but he answered and we talked...I got a lot of my chest that night which I should of said when I was 16, now at the age of 23 I thought it was too late.
I told him about how I was pregnant at 16 and lost our baby girl at 5 months. I told him how I told his gf but she wouldn't let me speak to him as hard as I tried he never answer the phone. I turned up at his house and his friends several times to find out each time he wasn't there. I didn't tell anyone about it as I was 16 and scared. I done it all on my own. It broke my heart, it still does. All I wish was he was there to hold my hand and tell me everything would get better and the pain would fade. It never really fades but it would of been easier if I had him there.
Back to 3 months ago after the drunk call, the next 2 weeks we talked everyday and he was told me about his kids and how him and baby mother hadn't lived together in a year and he thinks its over but she doesn't. We talked 24/7 it was like we were 15 all over again. We agreed to met up for coffee, I was still living 3 hours away so I organised to go home for the weekend and I made time to meet up. He ended up coming to my childhood home for coffee and as soon as I seen him all my old feelings came rushing back and it was amazing, his smile is everything. Skip forward another 2 weeks and we have spent more time together and he tells me he has told his baby mother that it's completely over....It's then he tells me he is falling in love with me again. I was so happy....I though finally everything I've wanted is finally going to happen.
Over the next two weeks we had amazing times together....but then sh*t hits the fan....big time. His oldest child was playing with his old iPhone and the old iPhone synced with his current one and a lot of dirty photos were then on this old iPhone! (Yes I know, never send dirty photos). So now ex gf finds these photos and goes insane cause she didn't know he had moved on so fast and she thought he was cheating on her and instead of screaming at him like must people would, she posts all the photos of me naked onto FACEBOOK, for EVERYONE to see. I went insane! I phoned the police and everything because well I can lose my job and all of his family and friends could see them, they private not for everyones eyes. Well She finally takes them down and I think she thought it would put a hole between us but it didn't it brought us closer actually, well for 2-3 weeks anyway. He wasn't happy I called the police on her, I could of got her arrested for it and she could of been put to jail for 2-3 years but when I got asked do I want to press charges I said no because at the end of the day the children need their mother and she is a good mother, am not going to take away their mother as much as I hate her.
After a lot of fighting between her and him they finally agree contact with the kids, conditions have to be kept at all times or she goes insane!
- I don't get to meet the children ever
- my name is not mentioned and I don't exist when he has them
- they don't know I exist and he can't call or text me whilst the children at there.
Now the children are young (2 and 5). But they not stupid! She even makes sure that I leave nothing in his car!! (That one is insane).
Ok finally what am writing the post about.....
I know he has just got out of the relationship with her and I'm not long out of a long-term relationship myself. For the first month that we decided to make a go of things he cared and we talked and done stuff together, I try and leave him to it when it comes to looking after the children, i limit contact.
The last 2 weeks he has stopped replying to my messages as much (says he is busy at work, which is fine cause so I am but he will reply like 24-36 hours later....) when we talk on the phone he hardly speaks, I get one word replies and sometimes no replies.
Since we decided to give it a go, we agree not to put a label on it cause its too soon. But I feel like he is drifting away from me. So I decided to ask him what this is between us, and he keeps saying he doesn't know so I bite the bullet and say do you want to be my "boyfriend" or not. And he says yes he does but he doesn't want it yet....which is fine with me cause it is too soon to put labels on it but I feel like I don't exist now to him and its hard cause I know he is spending more time with her and texting her back.
When this all started (after the Facebook thing) he only seen the kids 1 night a week and had them 1 night at the weekend. But now he has the children 1 day during the week then all weekend every second week and every other weekend 1 night. But he also goes over after work to just see them randomly and goes to appointments and school events, the children will always come first no matter what. I just feel like I don't exist to him now that he is around her more. Before he use to just pick them up and drop them off, but now something has changed she is being nicer and I'm worried she will try her best to push us apart. I know she will.
He goes out his way not to speak to me now and I don't know why. I'm really struggling to work it out. I feel like I've done something wrong and am pissing him off by calling and texting, it like every time I call or text he drifts a bit further away and I don't know why. Anytime I ask him whats wrong he says not this again. He doesn't show emotion at all "he doesn't do feelings" as he puts it but it's hard on me....I want us to work I really do....I'm trying to leave him to it, not texting unless he texts first, only phoning once every couple of days but it's hard, I feel like he is going to go back to her if I don't speak/see him all the time.
I don't want to lose him but I feel like I am.
Any suggestions on how to tell him how I feel without sounding like I'm trying to say he needs to care about me more,
or
any suggestions on how to keep myself from thinking the worse and dealing with being with a guy that has kids with another women.
I know it's still early days between us, I get it, I'm just struggling trying to share I guess.
Points to note, I understand she is the mother of his children, she is always going to be there, she is always going to hate me....in her eyes I'm the devil and in my eyes she is still the girl that got to walk away with my first love all those years ago. We both have reasons to hate each other.
Baby 5 months waking up every hours 
struggling to get baby to nap/sleep
Pointing, waving, clapping 12 month old 
