how to deal with a guy that has kids and a crazy ex? - NCT

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how to deal with a guy that has kids and a crazy ex?

scottishlas94
scottishlas94

Hi, first time posting.

Please note I know I've just got a lot off my chest in the content below. I clearly needed it. I don't have many friends or people to talk too about this kinda thing, therefore I've went to town on this. Sorry.

Back story (sorry its very long).

From the age of 12 I was in a relationship with my first love and back then I always knew he was the one I was going to grow old with, have kids with, be with forever. When he was 17, I was 16 he dumped me after a friend of his was killed in a boating incident... he went into depression and dumped me. Right after that he got together with another girl and since then they've been together and had 2 kids together (This killed me when I found out, in the back of my mind I still go they should be my kids....I know).

I had kinda got over him and moved away for uni and moved on with my life, always checking up on him every 6-12 months...

Well 3 months ago I got dumped over text from my long-term partner of 4 years after a tough tough year together.

The day he split up with me I got drunk and phone my first love and I didn't except him to answer the phone tbh, we hadn't spoke on the phone in 7 years, we hadn't seen each other in 7 years but he answered and we talked...I got a lot of my chest that night which I should of said when I was 16, now at the age of 23 I thought it was too late.

I told him about how I was pregnant at 16 and lost our baby girl at 5 months. I told him how I told his gf but she wouldn't let me speak to him as hard as I tried he never answer the phone. I turned up at his house and his friends several times to find out each time he wasn't there. I didn't tell anyone about it as I was 16 and scared. I done it all on my own. It broke my heart, it still does. All I wish was he was there to hold my hand and tell me everything would get better and the pain would fade. It never really fades but it would of been easier if I had him there.

Back to 3 months ago after the drunk call, the next 2 weeks we talked everyday and he was told me about his kids and how him and baby mother hadn't lived together in a year and he thinks its over but she doesn't. We talked 24/7 it was like we were 15 all over again. We agreed to met up for coffee, I was still living 3 hours away so I organised to go home for the weekend and I made time to meet up. He ended up coming to my childhood home for coffee and as soon as I seen him all my old feelings came rushing back and it was amazing, his smile is everything. Skip forward another 2 weeks and we have spent more time together and he tells me he has told his baby mother that it's completely over....It's then he tells me he is falling in love with me again. I was so happy....I though finally everything I've wanted is finally going to happen.

Over the next two weeks we had amazing times together....but then sh*t hits the fan....big time. His oldest child was playing with his old iPhone and the old iPhone synced with his current one and a lot of dirty photos were then on this old iPhone! (Yes I know, never send dirty photos). So now ex gf finds these photos and goes insane cause she didn't know he had moved on so fast and she thought he was cheating on her and instead of screaming at him like must people would, she posts all the photos of me naked onto FACEBOOK, for EVERYONE to see. I went insane! I phoned the police and everything because well I can lose my job and all of his family and friends could see them, they private not for everyones eyes. Well She finally takes them down and I think she thought it would put a hole between us but it didn't it brought us closer actually, well for 2-3 weeks anyway. He wasn't happy I called the police on her, I could of got her arrested for it and she could of been put to jail for 2-3 years but when I got asked do I want to press charges I said no because at the end of the day the children need their mother and she is a good mother, am not going to take away their mother as much as I hate her.

After a lot of fighting between her and him they finally agree contact with the kids, conditions have to be kept at all times or she goes insane!

- I don't get to meet the children ever

- my name is not mentioned and I don't exist when he has them

- they don't know I exist and he can't call or text me whilst the children at there.

Now the children are young (2 and 5). But they not stupid! She even makes sure that I leave nothing in his car!! (That one is insane).

Ok finally what am writing the post about.....

I know he has just got out of the relationship with her and I'm not long out of a long-term relationship myself. For the first month that we decided to make a go of things he cared and we talked and done stuff together, I try and leave him to it when it comes to looking after the children, i limit contact.

The last 2 weeks he has stopped replying to my messages as much (says he is busy at work, which is fine cause so I am but he will reply like 24-36 hours later....) when we talk on the phone he hardly speaks, I get one word replies and sometimes no replies.

Since we decided to give it a go, we agree not to put a label on it cause its too soon. But I feel like he is drifting away from me. So I decided to ask him what this is between us, and he keeps saying he doesn't know so I bite the bullet and say do you want to be my "boyfriend" or not. And he says yes he does but he doesn't want it yet....which is fine with me cause it is too soon to put labels on it but I feel like I don't exist now to him and its hard cause I know he is spending more time with her and texting her back.

When this all started (after the Facebook thing) he only seen the kids 1 night a week and had them 1 night at the weekend. But now he has the children 1 day during the week then all weekend every second week and every other weekend 1 night. But he also goes over after work to just see them randomly and goes to appointments and school events, the children will always come first no matter what. I just feel like I don't exist to him now that he is around her more. Before he use to just pick them up and drop them off, but now something has changed she is being nicer and I'm worried she will try her best to push us apart. I know she will.

He goes out his way not to speak to me now and I don't know why. I'm really struggling to work it out. I feel like I've done something wrong and am pissing him off by calling and texting, it like every time I call or text he drifts a bit further away and I don't know why. Anytime I ask him whats wrong he says not this again. He doesn't show emotion at all "he doesn't do feelings" as he puts it but it's hard on me....I want us to work I really do....I'm trying to leave him to it, not texting unless he texts first, only phoning once every couple of days but it's hard, I feel like he is going to go back to her if I don't speak/see him all the time.

I don't want to lose him but I feel like I am.

Any suggestions on how to tell him how I feel without sounding like I'm trying to say he needs to care about me more,

or

any suggestions on how to keep myself from thinking the worse and dealing with being with a guy that has kids with another women.

I know it's still early days between us, I get it, I'm just struggling trying to share I guess.

Points to note, I understand she is the mother of his children, she is always going to be there, she is always going to hate me....in her eyes I'm the devil and in my eyes she is still the girl that got to walk away with my first love all those years ago. We both have reasons to hate each other.

10 Replies

Wow hun that was an essay !! Obviously you still feel you have finished business with him as he ended it due to what happened to his best mate and depression but also you was happy too and went through being pregnant and losing the baby which I’m sorry about!

As for the the ex partner and children it can be hard but as it’s early days you need to let him adjust with the seperation of his ex and the stability for his children as they will always come first ! His ex will probably not like you and see you as you split the family up that she had as he obviously didn’t tell her how he felt about her and the relationship for ages in her eyes it was ok but in his eyes it was doomed!!

If I was you I wouldn’t text him or ring him unless he texts or calls you first , do your own thing and live your life as your send yourself mad waiting around or not getting the response back you want! He probably doesn’t really know what he wants and until he finally plucked up the courage to tell you you won’t he could be playing games !

He can’t mention you to the children it would be unfair of him to do so as they’ve only known mummy and daddy together and until he knows what he really wants then he shouldn’t upset the children and mess with their hearts!

I know it’s hard for you because you love him but you need to just keep your distance if he really wants you and loves you then he would make an effort to speak and be with you.

Hope all works out with whatever you decide or happens xx

scottishlas94
scottishlas94 in reply to Sisi14

I wish I wasn’t typing this but this morning he decided to cut all ties with me and go back with the ex....my heart is truely smashed. As he says he is only going back because it’s an easier life!

Am completely heart broken and don’t know what to do now.

X

Sisi14
Sisi14 in reply to scottishlas94

Hunni I’m sorry your hurt , but this man shouldn’t of even led you on thinking there was a future for you both when he clearly didn’t know what he wanted!

Ignore him saying he’s going back because it’s easier don’t let him play you. He’s decided what he wants and now it’s time for you to move forward delete his number. Xx

scottishlas94
scottishlas94 in reply to Sisi14

Only if it was that easy, I’m still in shock tbh...I won’t be waiting around for him to realise what has done. I’m done x

Sisi14
Sisi14 in reply to scottishlas94

Hunni your 23 you have a life ahead of you ! You done 7 years without seeing him make it your goal to do it again. This heartache and love can’t be one side he obviously isn’t on the same page as you! So you go and spread your wings and enjoy your life xx

scottishlas94
scottishlas94 in reply to Sisi14

I’m going to try! Thank you x

Sisi14
Sisi14 in reply to scottishlas94

Enjoy your life and you will have your happy ending you deserve, but now it’s time to think of you and your happiness xx 😘

My Moto is never go back always move forward you’re expecting the boy from your childhood he’s a man with children and responsibilities. You only have his side of the story too you’ve jumped straight into the fire they have unfinished business together I’d back off. As a mother I wouldn’t want my kids meeting another random woman if it wasn’t finished completely and they weren’t in a relationship. I’d protect my kids. I don’t mean to sound harsh your young go have fun meet new people he’s obviously not in a good place at the minute to start anything new.

scottishlas94
scottishlas94 in reply to gcw104

Believe me I tried my best to stay out the way and not get involved. I didn’t want to meet the children straight away at all...I was happy to take a back seat!

But non of that matters now, he wants his life easy therefore back with the ex so I guess I’m left to pick up my broken heart.

X

gcw104
gcw104 in reply to scottishlas94

Don’t feel sad, be strong pick yourself up have some fun go out with the girls have a laugh. He’s prob not taking an easy route either going back with his ex unless your both willing to change to make it better it’ll not work.

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