Am I making a mistake: I have a partner and we have been... - NCT


52,012 members16,281 posts

Am I making a mistake

JNDuce12-13 profile image

I have a partner and we have been together for a year, he has 3 Kids 9,7,6 and I have a 4 year old son. I have always wanted more than one child but never envisioned it being with a man with 3 Kids, but that’s how it’s all happened. I had my birth control implant taken out in April and been to the docs over not ovulation etc... that’ll hopefully get sorted. Me and my partner currently don’t live together, due to debts and needing a bigger house to house us all. I’m also going to uni next September 2018. It’s only a 1 day a week attending and all rest home work. But am I making a mistake wanting another baby and having one with a man who has 3 Kids already. I’ve always wanted another of my own and he is more than on board. But are the age differences too big? Is it silly when we don’t live together? Is it too soon? Am I going to ruin what me and my son have now (our little 2 bed house, no complications, finally sleeping in till after 7am haha) I only just feel like I’ve found my feet with being a mum to one and 3 step Kids. Maybe im thinking of it selfishly. Wanting all the attention for me and a new baby.

Appologies for the enormous post!

14 Replies

I would say enjoy life, you seem to be getting to a comfortable place - having said that you both seem to have debts that need sorting before baby, and you really want to all be living together before baby - trust me I’ve got a 4 month old and in the process of moving and it’s stressful and hard going! Plus you have uni and stuff. Maybe give it another year before ttc?

I personally wouldn't if I were you. There are 4 children between you and your partner, you have debts. Why bring another child into the equation?

Debts will be written off in January February latest if Christmas is more expensive than planned. My partner is 36 and I’m 25 so it’s a sooner rather than later thing for him. It’s just the juggling uni work and a new born

I would say follow your heart. I don't think you mention how old you are, or how long you're going to be studying at Uni. I know you're happy with your little one and your life sounds wonderful and very fulfilled. However, should you not stay with him for whatever reason then you may wonder why you never tried for a sibling. I wouldn't leave it too long as you wouldn't want a huge age gap with your 4yr old. Personal choice, am pleased that your oh is supporting you. It's not about the huge great big home and although living together would be ideal, but you can make anything work if you love each other. Follow your heart, write a list of pros and cons. There is a 3 year difference between myself and my sister. If I were much older I'm not sure how we would have got on growing up etc. Just a personal thought. Best wishes x

JNDuce12-13 profile image
JNDuce12-13 in reply to Music1

I’m 25 and he is 36 so he’s want to do it sooner rather than later, it worries me if it doesn’t work out cause then I’ll have 2 Kids by 2 different men and not with either of them. I feel I need to have one now for my son and a new baby to have anything in common otherwise like you said the age gap just becomes too much. My sons dad and his sister had an 8year gap and even now they are grown up they don’t speak much, only a text for birthdays and Christmases cause they are just worlds apart. Who knows. It’ll either be great or go massively tits up.

I know siblings with one year gap that don't talk and others with a 10year difference that are very close together.

It is nice to have a sibling but so is a dad and a stable family life.

You and your partner have plenty of time ahead especially since he isn't getting pregnant.

If you feel the urge to have a baby that can be overwhelming, constant and intense too so not easy to ignore.

You're still very young. If you had a 2 year old I'd say leave it a few years. Nobody knows what the future will bring. Hopefully you'll be with your oh and live happily together as a loving family and things will be great.

I think you need to ask yourself "would I want a sibling for my 4yr old". Ok, my sister and I used to fight like cat and dog and get quite competitive when we were younger but as we grew older we've been a rock for each other and grown up quite close. I know friends who have older/ younger siblings etc and as you say, it's just a phone call or contact every so often but they're not close. Of course, anything can cause a sibling/ family rift at any age.

I wouldn't worry about the 'kids by different men'. What's important is 'you'. You will be their constant. The kids will know that 'dad's not around but you are and that's important. Remember, even if you live with your oh's kids, you will probably treat them like your own and that's no different. It may not bother them if they have different fathers or they may not even know or think about it. It's about what they have in common and that's you. My friend had ivf and needed a male donor as her husband couldn't have children following chemo treatment. They had a 2 year old, and went back to the same clinic hoping they could have another with the same donor but was told it wasn't possible. They went with a different donor and had another child. Age difference 3 years? You wouldn't know they have different donors. They don't look hugely different and I don't think the kids now much older have given it much thought (I don't think). As it happens, her husband left her and the 2 kids. So she has been the constant and both her kids dote over her and get on really well.

Ask yourself "would you want a sibling for your 4yr old". If that's yes, then I truly believe you should try now if that's what your heart wants. You could always do Uni later if things got too much. You are still young. It may be fine having kids years apart but I believe closer together would be better - they can support each other, share experiences etc when they get older and have more in common. Best wishes xx

I guess what you need to be sure is are you in love,with love you do not see what you are seeing, love can move mountains.

I’m pretty sure I am in love, I’m just a lot more realistic about all the things that can go wrong down the line after being left by my sons Dad. It took me a long time to get myself back on my feet so I’d say I’m being more overly cautious rather than not really being in love. One thing I do know is if it doesn’t work out I know he will be a great dad unlike my sons Dad. My current partner has his 3 Kids 4nights a week and has had them full time since him and his ex split as well as working full time too. So he doesn’t shy from his responsibilities.

Being in love is worlds apart from loving someone. The first can be intense and short lived havibg an element of lust.

The real mature love is eternal and will always be there if this is with or towards a person that you can feel and understand without words, someone who you'd always choose or go back to, who can be a parent, sibling, best friend, partner for life. Someone who has seen your worst and adores you.

Certainly not someone who has met you at your best and kinda likes you.

Plus never take big decisions when you are too happy or too sad.

Bedt wishes

Thank you, you’re right, when I met him it wasn’t a truly madly deeply love but it grew in time, what attracted me to him was how he was as a Dad and now we do everything for each other (within reason haha) and it’s a mutual love and respect, we’ve both said how we couldn’t live without each other now, it’s more of a supportive love rather that a lustful love. So your very right. I know no matter what happened he would always support our child. Thank you for your replies x

That sounds like a nice, healthy relationship. It makes sense wanting a baby in such a loving and supporting atmosphere.

If you were married it would seem natural and we probably wouldn't be talking about it. We assume marriage is stable and secure when it can be very unsettling.

Yoy have got a place at Uni, which might not be there for you if you don't take it up.

Depends how long now you want this baby. 3 or 4 or 5 years between siblings is fine for closeness. In fact the older understands more and isn't oblivious to a sibling like a one or two year old can be.

He is a man that good

Your still so young. Why don’t you get uni out of the way first?

You may also like...