Post birth advice - support from your man and your family

[Miss_slinky]

Hi there, I'm 26 and a bit weeks pregnant and getting to planning stage (maybe a bit late!). I'd really like some advice/thoughts....my mum and dad live in Germany, I live in Scotland and my man is a very busy businessman who owns and runs two businesses. He's not great in the flat to be fair and I do most things in the flat (cleaning flat, organizing, washing, shopping - yeah pretty much everything).

Now my mum has offered to come over pre-birth and for a couple of weeks after. I really appreciate the offer however...I'm worried that my man will see it as 'well her mum's there and work is busy, I'll just go do a shift and come home later'....I DO NOT want this - it would send me scatty, really stress me out and really annoy my mum too. I can see this happening. I spoke to my mum last night and told her this, saying I'd like for him to step up, bond with his kid and take the time to be at home with us. Thing is in terms of who would help more, it would be my mum without a doubt. But I don't want the stress and aggravation if he sees it as the opportunity just to go back to work. I'd like us to go home as a family unit and have say 7-10 days at home bedding in, getting to know the baby a little etc, having him step up and give us a hand.

Has anyone had a child already, had experience of anything like this or had their mother with them etc. My mum wants an answer this week, so she can book flights and I just don't know what to say. Obviously we don't know when the baby will be born mind you....!

I feel like assistance would be great, but I'm inclined to ask my mum to come over a couple of weeks later instead, so we as a family unit can go home and do the bedding in thing with baby...

Any thoughts massively appreciated!

[misswinky34]

hi

miss slinky meets miss winky 😁 lol honestly hand on heart, I think hubby needs chucking in at the deep end, otherwise if your mums taking hand before him, when she leaves it will only hit him then anyway.

I think no matter how much of a great relationship you have with your mum, after having 3 kids, that early days stress might leave you waiting to throttle her... Your hubby needs to prioritise his role as a daddy as you will need his full attention, I would do exactly what you said, I wouldn't have my folks over any earlier than the two week mark. Give yourselves settling in time, I remember scrambling to put my boobs away in the very first days as getting feeding edtsblished when there were unanounced visitors in that first week. So when I had my second, I said don't come until I'm ready, which was about a week later when I looked less like the creature from the black lagoon after no sleep for a week. LOL

on a serious note, you will need your partner and maybe you should sit down with him and make a bit of a plan, with a compromise for his needs and yours. My mum was on hand, but lives 5 miles away, whereas I appreciate that's different for you.

I'm sure whatever you decide it will work out fine.

xxxx

[Miss_slinky in reply to misswinky34]

Hi misswinky - no I'm with you for sure, think he needs to step up and bond. My mum with all the best intentions in the world would only get in the way of that at the very start I think and delay daddy time. He would see it as opportunity to go to work (I'm flipping sure of it!). I think I'm quite sure of it...it's not going to be easy but we'll get there!! 😀 Thanks xx

[roxannacar]

I think it really depends on you. I had my mum at the birth ... She was in the background and hubby was one next to me. But I was grateful for having them around as the first week I was so sleep deprived and cried a lot of the time so I was grateful having both around.

Hubby is very work oriented too but he booked 2w of annual leave and had 2w paternity leave. So we got a fair amount of time together. Sometimes mum being around was a bit like ugh need my space as she was here 4 wks after (which might have been bit long).

I think you just need to have a word with your partner and tell him what you expect from him. I'm due again end oct and my mum will be coming again as she will great help with no.1 and general house stuff but doesn't exonerate hubby for pulling up sleeves

[Miss_slinky in reply to roxannacar]

Hi roxannacar. I think with a small 2 bed room flat and the way my man is it would just be so stressful which on top of already stressful times would not help. I think I'm going to ask my mum to come over when he is back at work. It's understandable but mildly unfair to ask about booking flights just now, how can I know when I will give birth?!! 😀 it will all work out in the end...x

[roxannacar in reply to Miss_slinky]

hah ... my mum has already booked flights for the next baby ... i think she booked it when i was about 13weeks!! talk about over bearing! ... but it will be good to have a baby sitter for baby no.1

[LindsayB24]

Talk to him. Sit him down just you and him and explain that you and baby don't want to be the 2nd important things in his life compared to work. Explain how you feel and that you want him to be as much involved with bubba as you are. Communication is the key!! Good luck. Xx

[Miss_slinky in reply to LindsayB24]

Thanks LindsayB24 - I totally agree with you and we kind of have but I'm going to have a face to face discussion about this with no distractions at all, as he needs to realize this in advance of this little one appearing!

[mrsoneill]

I would speak to your partner and try to set out what you expect and need from him. My parents also live in Germany and came back as soon as my little one was born, luckily they didn't stay with us but did visit everyday which is tiring when your trying to get your newborn home and settled. My inlaws came down from Scotland and stayed with us the first weekend too. we also only have a 2 bed flat and I found it v stressful and crowded all on top of each other trying to get baby settled was difficult with so many people about. Be gentle with yourself accept offers of help where you can but don't feel obliged to have people stay, you need time to bond and get baby settled in xx

[Miss_slinky in reply to mrsoneill]

Thanks MrsOneill - I think that's part of the issue, is that my mum wants to stay in the flat. I was saying it's only a little flat and the second bedroom is meant to be getting made up as little baby's nursery (obviously baby will be in with us for the first while, but I want that room organized, as that's not something I want to have to sort out post birth!). If she was staying, I couldn't do that at all. It would be her room entirely for the whole time she was there and there isn't room for stuff round the sofa bed in there or around our bed, so I don't even know where some of the baby stuff would go! It's hard as there aren't any other relatives really near by and my mum (although she can drive) hasn't and won't drive, so staying with other relatives further out, she would be dependent on them for transport - which she isn't willing to do.

I don't want to seem ungrateful as I really appreciate her offer, I just want to make the right decision for us all. It's a hard one! As I'm sure a bit of help would be great too in amongst the mayhem of getting used to our first little baby and settling in at home. Going to have to sit the man down for a face to face about this!

[mrsoneill in reply to Miss_slinky]

Aw bless you I do hope you get things worked out, I'm sure once little one is in daddy's arms your partner won't be thinking about work at all. We also have our spare room as the baby's room and although she is in with us it is helpful having it set up (I still have stuff to sort out in there that won't get done anytime soon) a bit of help is nice even if it's just to get you a drink or sandwich as newborns feed a lot on the beginning! I'm sure you will work things out just be honest and if you need to put your mum off a week or so while you get settled I'm sure she'll understand. Is there anyone/place nearby she can stay instead if with you? My in laws want to come and stay with us for a week and I'm dreading it! I'm trying to get hubby to suggest they stay in a hotel or if they have to stay with us to only come for a weekend at most. It's hard enough getting my 2 week old settled without having to entertain them too, I live in a quiet village so there's not much for them to do! Good luck with everything and enjoy your new baby xx

[Miss_slinky in reply to mrsoneill]

Ooh congrats and hope all goes well for you for your second! It's like a balancing act trying to keep everyone happy isn't it?! My mum could stay with my aunt, but it's a bit out of the way and they don't get on that well. I'm sure she could stay in a hotel nearby but she doesn't want to!

We'll work it out - a discussion with the man is on the cards and then a discussion with my mum. I feel like she was offended by our chat the other day but I think she needs to realize it's not that I don't want her over, it's us as an immediate family - me, the man and our baby - that need to get settled first, then she can come over. I think that would work out better, for my sanity, for our little brand new family unit and for us all. Hopefully......!!!!

Good luck with your situation as well, get the hubby to work on the in laws, as you say, it's stressful trying to entertain others or think of them when you are in the midst of it! When are you due? x

[mrsoneill in reply to Miss_slinky]

Sounds like you have got things sort of sorted, family will always understand. I had my little one baby Murron on 16 June, still getting the hang of things. She's currently asleep on me after having an epic screaming fit as she was over tired! X

[Miss_slinky in reply to mrsoneill]

Awww congrats! Murron is a lovely name. I don't think we'll know what's hit us when a screaming, kicking lil' baby enters our very quiet little world but I can't wait for it all the same x

[mrsoneill in reply to Miss_slinky]

It's the best feeling enjoy every minute! X

[Clairelouise91]

Hey hun! I had my mum with me a couple of days before and 2 weeks after but im a single mum and had a section i looked after baby whilst my mum did the house work etc as i wasnt able to it was bliss! Lol have you talked to your other half about maybe getting someone he can trust to fill in for him and taking atleast a week off minimum to bond with the baby? Just be completley honest with him about how you feel if he doesnt understand or try to compromise then i dont know what to suggest from my experience my daughters dad hasnt bonded with her because when he has her he just takes her home where he lives with his mum and just lets her do everything shes 6months old and hes never looked after her alone to create that bond id suggest once babies here if its not happening make it happen pop to the shops with your mum even if its just 20minutes half an hour dont give him the option just say back in a bit lol hope all goes well xx

[Miss_slinky in reply to Clairelouise91]

Thanks Clairelouise - glad you had the support of your mum and good point about the chat with him and also making him take some time with the baby! I think he'll be good when it's here but he's got a bit of learning to do in advance! x

[AprilZ]

Hi Miss_slinky, are you doing any NCT or similar classes that your other half could be persuaded to join you on? This might give him a better idea of the sort of things that would be helpful around and after the birth and make him more appreciative of the benefit of giving himself a bit of paternity leave. I'm halfway through a 6wk evening course atm and some of it has been eye-opening for me, never mind my husband! I think there were also shorter more intensive classes available if time is an issue.

That said, my parents are coming to stay with us for two weeks after my due date as we'll be in the US by then, and my MIL will be with us for the following two weeks (yes we have deliberately arranged a queuing system!). I hadn't envisaged it as a problem in terms of my husband bonding with the baby, possibly more like 'when you were born we did it this way...'. But with any luck I'll get a lot of cups of tea made for me

[Miss_slinky in reply to AprilZ]

Hi AprilZ - love your queuing system!

Yes, I'm booked on an intensive weekend 10-5pm both days and then a Tuesday night breastfeeding workshop after with NCT. Is it NCT you are going to? How are you finding it? It's not until the end of August though, so ages away. Have you also done the NHS classes? I haven't booked onto them yet and not sure about whether you need to do both? Any advice? And yes he's coming!!!! He's been told in no uncertain terms haha......(I'm sure he'll hate it but heyho!). We're both new to the parenting malarkey and you need to learn a bit about labour and new borns!! Let me know how you are finding it?!

[AprilZ in reply to Miss_slinky]

Yes, we're doing NCT - started a bit early (I'm 28 weeks now but everyone else is due by end August) because we're off to the US in mid-August (not like I have enough to think about atm) and I wanted to get a whole course in here in case I couldn't get in last minute over there. So I haven't done the NHS classes as well cos I won't be here - but my impression is that NCT is more detailed and as long as you get on something with a tour of where you're planning to give birth, so that it's familiar when you get there for real, you probably don't need the extra classes (unless they come together - I think this might vary regionally).

We're also new to this - not only first-timers but we haven't been around a lot of babies either so really in the process of gathering every last scrap of useful-looking information right now, although sometimes it suddenly feels like too much information. (The things people do with placentas! OMG!!!)

Next week: pain relief, and What Happens Afterwards - think that might be a bit intense...

[Miss_slinky in reply to AprilZ]

Euuuuuch I know - I saw a bit of a programme where people eat the placentas or turn them into tablets - boak.......just wrong.

Sounds like you are planning well in advance and both looking at it all. You will be as well prepped as you can be. Are you moving to US?! Wow.

My man has never held a newborn and on seeing a little baby suit with a bib the other day, asked 'is that a blindfold?' (about the bib).....I was thinking 'for the love of God what have I let myself in for....'

I've been reading Ina May book on natural childbirth which is really interesting and pinterest has been good too...(for random info on breastfeeding etc....).

Hope all goes well with your move and birth