Unexpected pregnancy

A week ago I found out I was pregnant. The father is someone I was dating briefly in January it ended as quick as it started, We lost contact and carried on with our lives until today.

During this week of me knowing and taking everything in, thinking long and hard about bringing it in to this world I decided I could do this. I have a very supportive family a good living situation, supportive friends and financially ok. I know this would be hard but I would be prepared and plan this well.

I told the father this morning and as expected he was in complete shock, I told him to have a think let it sink in then call me back. Later he called me and said he was coming over to my place. He turned up and was saying things like "You can't do this to me", "how are you going to support this", "you can't bring a baby up without a father, it will end up with so many problems", "I am going to be seen as such a shit father". And it went on and on all negative and all about him. Now I am complety stuck I don't want to get rid of this baby but he is so upset and is just thinking the worst. He thinks I am naive and have my head in the clouds. When I am 100% not I know this is going to change my life so much all my plans completely wiped away. I just really don't know what to do now.

11 Replies

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  • That's a really difficult situation to be in, I feel for you. Bringing up a child by yourself will come with its challenges as well as a lot of lonely nights where you'll be sat at home by yourself whilst your baby is sleeping (hopefully peacefully in another room). I don't know how I would've dealt with some of the exhausting early nights by myself, without my husband around.

    And yet, having my children is an absolute blessing and none of the sleepless nights or tantrums (both of which I currently have) can take that away from me. You will have days where you'll want to run away from it all, days where you'll think you can't do it by yourself. But from what you say you have thought about it and feel that you can do this financially and that you have people around you that will support you. That's all that matters!

    I do understand his side too, though. He hasn't planned this (neither had you, mind) and now in his eyes you are basically forcing parenthood on him and if he isn't ready or doesn't want to commit to this then you make him look like a bad father as he wont be fulfilling his duties. But you can not make that influence your decision! Whether we believe that abortions are right or wrong, if you make a decision based on his emotional blackmailing now you will regret this for life.

    To me it sounds like you have thought this through very well and it sounds like you are in a good position in many ways. My husband and I planned No1 and still, when I was pregnant he freaked out and said he couldn't do it! We went through a tough time but a few weeks later he got over the initial shock and is now the most supportive husband and caring dad. Of course, you two didn't plan this and I wouldn't rely on this outcome, but the man in your life might change as well, especially when the baby is there. It's a big shock to him right now as well and the easiest thing for him would be to undo it all and run away.

    You two might never be a proper couple but you might make excellent parents, both of you. But you won't know that..

    The only thing oi can go by now is whether you feel you can do this with the help of those around you. And by the sounds of it, you can!

    All the best, and if you want to chat further, let me know!

  • Gosh, this really is a difficult situation for everyone involved. I can see this situation from both sides and neither has an easy solution unfortunately.

    From a different perspective may I ask if either of you used protection? I know this may seem irrelevant now but if neither of you did then you share the responsibility for this situation equally and it may be worth gently reminding the father of this - it is not a question of blame but responsibility for a situation.

    It is also worth remembering that people accept change at hugely different rates and the father sounds very much like he is still in denial and reacting hastily, it may be worth giving him more time and space to think things through without pressure but don't assume he will change his mind.

    Apart from the obvious emotional impact and parental responsibility there is a lifetime financial commitment to be considered. If the father insists that he doesn't want the baby but you do he will have to accept the financial implication/responsibility and this may cause resentment I'm sure.

    Whilst having a baby can often be a reason to celebrate not everyone feels this way. I don't envy the difficult decisions ahead for you both but my advice would be don't rush to make a decision, it requires much thought, a baby will be a long term, life changing commitment for you both. I absolutely recommend seeking any professional advice you can - British Pregnancy Advisery Service may be a good place to start. Good luck to you both xx

  • Let's talk about the father first - he obviously doesn't want to be involved in this so it's better to leave him out. Don't push him otherwise it could bring in problems later for you and the baby. He is obviously shocked right now and not thinking through. Give him some time to think this out and see what he says.

    I think you need to talk this out with someone more experienced like your mom and may be some of your friends who already are parents to see how having a baby going to change your life. That will help you to make decision how you're going to plan your life. I am married and have a wonderful partner and I cant even think about bringing up my son without his help. For a single mom, it could be a big challenge. If you're working - you'll obviously go on maternity in couple of months and think how you're going to support yourself and the baby financially in those 9-10 (depends on you) months. Childcare is really expensive in UK and if you want to continue working, you have to think about that cost too. You need to provide constant attention to the baby until he/she is at least 5/6 years and starts to understand properly. It's a huge task so it's better to ask someone who you think can give you proper advice.

    I know you want to keep the baby but you don't have to do what the society, your friends and your family will say. I myself had a termination when I found out I was pregnant after just a month of my marriage. We weren't ready - I had just got this amazing job and I wanted to work. I have never regretted that decision even for a second. We started planning for the baby when we both were mentally and financially ready.

    It's not a crime to go for the termination if you're not ready. People will say you're never really ready for the baby and it's true but at least you can buy yourself some time. Get yourself financially more stronger. Find someone who'll love your baby as much as you do. Think this from every aspect - think very hard and I hope you make a right decision.

  • It would be difficult but there are thousands of single mums in this country bringing up fantastic children. A friend of mine at one point had 3 kids under 3 (twins and one other) and her husband walked out. She has brought up her amazing girls, they are 16 and 15 now, to be great additions to society.

    Personally I think if you want the baby, yes, it'll change your life forever, but if you have the support of your family and friends, go for it.

    Incidentally this happened to my brother in law. He had a one night stand and 3 months later found out that the lady was pregnant. He was really floored by it for a while, he had a DNA test done when the baby was born, and it was his, so he has been a brilliant dad, despite being at opposite ends of the country from the baby. He is involved in her life and loves being a dad. Maybe once this guy gets over the initial shock he will be more open to being involved, maybe not.

  • Vinh, I think you have already made your decision by the sound of things. I was a single parent to one daughter after my first marriage failed and it is tough and challenging however you can do it. You mention having fantastic friends and family, that is a good start for you. I got divorced when she was one and was briefly on benefits before going to college and then university. I was lucky to have found an amazing childminder. I was doing nursing and sometimes had to do nights and late shifts, I had to drop her off at odd times when most kids where at home with their parents and often wondered if I was doing the right thing. She never complained and was brilliant, it took me four years to get my qualification. It was very hard I eventually got an au pair from Poland who was brilliant. My daughter is now 20 years old and an amazing young lady at university studying to be a lecturer, am an old Mum and have met lots of women who have regretted termination of pregnancy not initially but it does catch up with you at some point in life and you can't change your decision you have to live with it. There is so many single parents out there doing an amazing challenging job, sometimes things do happen, it is life. Make a decision that is best for you and in 20 to 30 years you wont have regrets. I was lucky to find an amazing man and remarried and have 3 more kids now. My eldest was 11 years then, It is not easy being a single parent but my daughter motivated me to go to University and give her the best example, she has given me lots of happiness and genuine love and she is my best friend, I have worked until last year when I went on mat leave for my one year old and currently taking a Career break to give my 4 girls time and attention. I wish you all the best and an sure you will make the right decision. Oh forgot to mention I have a wonderful husband but truly speaking most men are there for most ly for financial and emotional support, Most Mums do the most hefty share of raising a child. All the best 😊

  • Hi Vinh, I am going through exactly the same thing. I am currently pregnant for someone I have known for several years and have been dating since Summer last year. I told him I was pregnant a couple of days ago (wrongly through text after an argument) and have unfortunately not heard back from him. Its really unfortunate but as long as you have supportive friends and family, financially and emotionally stable you will be fine. I cannot imagine having a termination after all the stories and videos on the internet, I know I couldn't put myself through it. At the end of the day its not just about him and his emotions it is also about yours. How you will be feel, how you will cope? I'm three months and I'm already looking into decorating and purchasing things and really excited. You will be fine and should you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

    All the best.

  • Deema, that is really kind of you to offer Vinh support, I think my children are the best thing/s that ever happened to me, if I start to make a list about having kids the benefits outweigh the difficulties. It is not for anyone who is not ready though as it can be challenging with or without a partner. Some men will come around others wont but to avoid any disappointment better to plan it on your own and if they turn around then fantastic. My ex husband refused to pay any maintenance when the relationship ended and after more than ten years he is realised that the only person missing out was him and now he is trying to have a relationship with his successful daughter as I had to pick up all the pieces, my daughter wants that, that is okay. For both of you ladies decide what is best for you and your circumstances. In Africa we say that children truly belong mostly to Mums as even with present Dads, most of them the majority of the hands on care is done by Mums. just check a post that was on here recently where someone wrote that she felt like a single mum despite having a partner, that post got so many replies as most of us had something to say or share....... wishing you all well and if you need to talk am here or any advice relating to babies or kids

  • I feel that you should go with ur heart. Weda he likes it or not. Weda by mistake or foolishness. There are some ppl waiting n longing for kids. Some are unlucky and some have a long wait. The innocent being in u didnt do anything. God has given him or her to u for a reason. Maybe now ur plans are on hold,not wiped away, but saying that u have a supportive family n friends means that they will be with u thru thick and thin. I understand its a hard decision. But think of it this way. U are one of the lucky ones that god has picked :) i had a mis almost a month ago n desperately trying for another. So im speaking from my heart n not head. All the best in ur pregnancy

  • Def go with your heart. imagine you had a termination now and then down the line you struggle to get pregnant again, could you live with that? I don't mean it as a rhetorical question as this might be a possibility in the future hence something to think about. I don't mean to sound sexist but I think termination is a much bigger deal to a woman than a man as you're the one who will have to go through it (likely without him bein around). This us your decision to take, his decision is if he will step up to be a father or not. of course you have to be ready that he might not.

    Have you spoken to your friends/family yet?

    Take care x

  • From reading your post it sounds like you've made your decision already, do what is best for you.

    it is a lot to take in so give him time to get his head around it.

    Give him a few days and suggest meeting for a coffee to chat l, somewhere neutral to take the pressure of you both and just be up front.

    Going on what you have wrote, if it was me I would maybe say something along the lines that your keeping the baby as you know you will be able to cope both emotionally and financially, reassure him that you would like him to be involved and be an active parent but ultimately it's up to him wether or not he wants to be part of baby's life but if he wants to be part of babies life it needs to be from the word go and all your asking for is consistency.

    Men are funny creatures and need as much (sometimes more) reassurance than we do.

  • It sounds as though you want this baby and that means you'd probably suffer emotionally if you had a termination. It's a big upheaval but it doesn't mean you have to change all your plans. With a supportive family, it may mean having to postpone plans but not ditch them.

    You cannot imagine the joy a baby brings - I am a grandmother and have loved every minute of my granddaughter's life (she's nearly 2).

    As far as the father is concerned, he sounds immature and selfish but it might just be the shock. He at least seems to realise that fatherhood involves responsibilities. You might just have to accept whatever help he feels able to give and he will almost certainly become attached to his child if he gets to see her regularly.

    I have a friend who had a baby in the same circumstances at age 45! Life hasn't been easy but relative poverty has been outweighed by her pride and joy in her daughter. The father has been a dead loss - he lives abroad and sees his daughter rarely but nevertheless, she is beautiful, confident and successful. Yes, your baby will change your life but nothing in life is better than the love you will feel for her. Good luck x

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