I am 44 years old and found out yesterday I am pregnant. My partner 45yrs together for four years has been pushing for me to have a baby, he will be very happy and his family. But, I already have three boys from my ex partner of twenty three years, ages 11yrs, 12yrs and 14 yrs. Two of them have ADHD, and one with defiance disorder, my 14yrs old have the awful teenager attitude, and instigates arguments with his brothers. My family won't be happy and will tell me I am mad and I think that it is true. I am on anti depressants and now I may have to stop taking them.
I haven't told anyone so I can think to myself, this morning before my eldest left for school he asked me "Mum we are doing abortion at school, what do you think of it?" I thought it was a normal question but a coincidence. I replied it was a difficult subject and one that has been argued for many years and will be argued for may years to come. When he left I spotted my bag was in the hall, I thought my bag was hidden in my bedroom. He had asked me for money and I had said no, he obviously went into my bag to take money out of it and seen the pregnancy test.
I feel for some silly reason I wanted to keep it to my secret so I can get my head around it and not have a whirlwind of people mixed opinions. I am also scared my relationship won't work and I will be a single mother again. My previous partner left me as he was contacting another woman and said I had changed since my aunt had dies. She had hied of motor nurones disease and she was like my mother. I was at her side all the way through until she died. It hit me very hard when she passed away and I went on automatic for the children, but my affections for my partner in bed had frozen.
My partner of 45years old is a dreamer and I don't think he really knows how difficult life is with children. He says he always had a little bit of him thinking if he had a baby he would want a girl to take out to the restaurant.... it is worrying I know. He never wanted a baby before me, we were friends for eight years before so I knew. But now he is desperate, but I think that is because he is insecure and worried I will go back to my ex. He says it is not, but also says I must love my ex more as I gave him three children. And he will be paying bills for my children not his, and he in the past said my children were his and proud but they are not.
We have parted as I feel he wants a baby because he in embarrassed being with a single mother of three kids that are not his. I have my own home, happy working and independant, I am worried if we live together he will be saying he is paying the bills over and over, because of his past comment. I have told him I will still work if I was pregnant and will be paying the bills too. He would rather I stayed at home and relied on him, as well as thinking every man fancies me which is ridiculous. And I have told him I am not going to feed his insecurity that I will feel trapped and I have to work to feel me. I only work at weekends when the children are with their father, and said he would have to look after the baby when I am at work, He said in the past he would, but I think he wouldn't when it came to it.
I also have on my mind my eldest son who has gone to school with this on his mind, it is a heavy burden to have on your mind as a child. I feel sorry for him and thought about phoning the school and asking him to come home so I can talk to him. Talk to him I have been telling him off soo much as he has stolen over two thousand pounds out of my bank account doing on line games. And also pinching from my purse and doing that still today!
So here I am asking you your opinion and typing sooo much when I thought I was typing a few lines.! Maybe I am doing this in fear my friends and family will tell me "Oh no" as they think my partner wants me cut from them, which I think is true. I have said this to him in the past and he denies it. I have told him if we had a baby I need my friends and family more and I will not change, as I am a peoples person.
So you can see why I am anxious and fearful of being a single mum of four FOUR kids!!!!!! I think I would have a nervous breakdown, so much responsibility!! My three are getting older and I am having a bit more freedom, but now having a baby it will be back to square one and worried I will feel trapped.
I don't think many people will read all of this, which is understandable there is so much of it! And I hope to the mothers who have, I am so sorry if I have depressed you in any way. Our hormones are going everywhere. I thought as you get older it is harder to get pregnant, I thought I wouldn't get pregnant as I missed the pill a few times sigh.
Lollymama signing out and still trying to comprehend my situation sigh.