Struggling today - need a moan

After 3.5 years of ttc, during which I have had constant invasive and painful tests, constant stress and huge emotional upheaval, 3 major surgeries and 2 IVF, I am now 14 weeks pregnant.

Of course it goes without saying that we are absolutely overjoyed that we eventually got there, but I am really feeling down and fed up. I know that anyone still ttc and facing fertility issues would give anything to be in my shoes, and 6 months ago I would have screamed at myself to be grateful and that I would happily accept anything to have a baby and that is still true.. but does that mean that I have to pretend that it isn't hard??

I feel like my body has been battered during the last few years, and I have just reached the end of my energy to cope with it. Pregnancy is not coming easily to me - I know the 1st trimester is hard but there is still just no let up in the sickness/headaches/aches&pains/stress. Everyone tells me 'ah that's just pregnancy hun' but what people do not understand is that I am having this now at the end of 3 years of being physically battered over and over again by my medical treatment. Its just not the same as when you conceive normally then accept that you have 9 months of discomfort to get your baby. I want to ask them how they would feel embarking on pregnancy having just been put through a mincer?

My boss actually told me that I have no right to complain about pregnancy gripes as I worked so hard to get here. How is that fair? Not only do I have to go to hell and back to get pregnant but then I have to just take every discomfort on the chin and keep quiet, whilst people that have no issue to get pregnant can moan and whinge as much as they like? I read somewhere that mothers of IVF babies are 50% more likely to have post natal depression as they are made to feel like they should not complain if things are hard. I am starting to get why.

I have no friends that understand how I feel, and in fact quite a few friends actually stopped contacting me during our treatments as they did not know what to say or how to deal with my upset. I still resent them for this, and even more so now they think that because I am pregnant they can waltz back into my life and everything will be all happy happy joy joy. They have no concept of the fact that the last 3 years have traumatised me and my husband, and no, I cannot just cope with my pregnancy gripes with a smile and be grateful. If I am stressed they tell me 'everyone gets stressed' and I want to scream at them that not everyone has been to hell and back to get here. We started with twins and lost one at 6 weeks - we thought we had miscarried completely and one of my friends 'reassured' me that miscarriage is awful but I would get over it and could try again. I know she meant well and she herself had suffered a miscarriage, but in her case she was pregnant again a month later. If I was to lose this one, I would not have another chance - she just did not get that.

I am delighted that we are finally having a baby. I feel hugely lucky when I think of people who have still not succeeded in their fertility treatment, and I want this baby more than anything in this world.

I'd just like to be open about the fact that the trauma is not over when you conceive, and that it is still a difficult journey. I am sure there must be other IVF pregnant ladies that feel the same so if this is someone you know - take a moment to consider that they might need a friend that tries to understand.

4 Replies

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  • Hi Katrina13,

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I have been lucky I have not been through a similar journey as you, however only you know what you have been through. Pregnancy whether through IVF or not is not very easy only a few ladies are so lucky they just sail through it. I am on number 4 and completely overjoyed but if I start to tell you the difficulties of the last 10 weeks then you will be surprised.What keeps me going is my 3 girls and my lovely husband. I have to acknowledge your last 3 years of trauma and would advice counselling if you need it, not mentioning loosing one of your babies as well. I am now almost 35 weeks and cannot wait for little one to come. If you see me outside you will not have a clue that I have struggles, seriously if I start writing them down then it might take me until tomorrow. What I can say is keep going strong, time goes quick although sometimes it does look like it is dragging but believe me you will get there, remember there is no gain without pain. As for anyone who says that you should not moan, they are not understanding as only you, in your shoes knows what you have been through and going through. I wish you all the best for the future and just hang in there, hopefully it will pass soon. Bless you always. XXXX

  • Thank you for taking the time to read my post and give such a thoughtful reply. Sometimes this recognition is all we need to get our strength back up!

  • Hi

    I just want to say congratulations on your wonderful news and keep your chin up!

    I understand what you've been through, I have spent 4 years ttc, had one miscarriage and 3 attempts at IVF. I am now 31 weeks pregnant, feeling great, and can't wait for our baby to arrive - however the first 5 months of my pregnancy were really difficult as I suffered continuously with severe nausea and vomiting. I don't think anyone can understand if they haven't been through it but I was lucky to have a very supportive acupuncturist who basically gave me 'permission' to moan and be miserable and not to think I couldn't just because I'd had to go through so much to get pregnant in the first place! I suggest you tell people that if they can't be supportive then you'd rather not hear their opinions - and try and give your friends a break if you can. It is very difficult for people to know what to say and sometimes they stay away because they are scared of saying the wrong thing. That said - something like this does show you who your true friends are!

    I hope your pregnancy goes well and that you start to feel better soon - they do say the second trimester is the best one so fingers crossed for you :)

  • Gosh I really do understand exactly how you are feeling. I've also been thru ivf. We were given really low odds and even refused nhs tx so we ended up private. Been a real journey. Up to 21 weeks things were doing well and now I've got pgp and can hardly walk, been off work 2 weeks and honestly don't know how I'll go back and manage. . Really getting me down at times. . Hope you start to feel better x

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