Why am I not happy?

Okay a little back story first- After spending 2 years waiting to concieve and getting really down and depressed about it I discovered I was pregnant in August.

For the first few weeks I was mostly excited and relieved after all that wait but now I'm 14 nearly 15 weeks and I'm finding it really hard to feel that same kind of joy. I feel like it hasn't quite sunk in and that I don't really feel pregnant despite having had nausea and all sorts of symptoms and seen my wiggling about happy as Larry on the ultrasound screen.

I'm feeling overwelmed at the amount of things I think I need to do like buying supplies and I haven't a clue where to start despite reading so many lists on websites.

And most of all I'm scared that I'm not going to love them when they arrive as I don't really feel like I have a bond yet. I can't feel them yet and I can't see them I feel almost like they're not there. I've tried making some time to sit and relax and spend time with them but I just feel silly talking to my stomach when I feel like there's no one there.

I'm worried I won't be a good mum.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Feeling a bit alone at the moment. I told all my friends and family last week and they're all super excited and asking me how I am snd I have to keep putting a brave face on it as they're all expecting me be as happy as they are.

I really don't get why I'm not happy I've wanted this for so long and I want everything to be okay.

11 Replies

  • Hi Hun, I felt the same and worried about not being a good mum also but honestly when they are here I assure you you love them to bits. It's a bit early to have any sort of connection tbh, it's more real when you can feel the baby moving but I can't say I Eva had a 'bond' until the baby was born. Honestly don't worry about it xxx

  • Don't worry, I think that's quite normal. I felt a bit like that - I just felt weird and slightly chubby and it was too early to really start planning or doing anything.

    I'm now 21 weeks and I have a proper bump and I'm feeling him jiggle around a lot.

    I've started feeling more of a bond and as long as you take it easy on yourself everything will fall into place.

    Emma's Diary is good to sign up to. Get your free bounty packs too. Start building up a little stash of bits and pieces now.

    You will be fine. I'm worried I won't be a good mum but just going up rely on my instincts as I know they'll kick in.

    Be kind to yourself. Your body has been through a lot and there's more to come!


  • Thanks ladies. I've had a good blub and spoken to my hubby too. I think I am probably being to hard on myself I just genuinely expected to feel happier. I ssuspect it's a lot to do with my hormones!

  • Hi Pinkymoo, join the "rabbit in headlights" gang. You are not alone and those pesky hormones play havoc with your sanity. At 15 wks I was looking at my growing bump and even though I'd had 4 scans already and seen the baby I was still convinced I couldn't be pregnant....I thought " this could just be a big tummy of gas" :) But we are. I'm also a worrier and petrified of not bonding and post natal depression. I see a therapist/Counsellor once a month who specialises in female fertility, pregnancy and ante/post natal depression too. Sometimes we just chat, sometimes I'm able to get down to the route cause and move on. Two positives I always take away from sessions are that I have a safe space to say what is in my head without being judged and that my husband and I are grateful that I "have a place to get the negative stuff out of my head" - without moaning to him about it when he gets home :) I also paid for a private scan at 17 wks (BUPA peace of mind scan) just to help me see the baby again, check everything was alright in a lovely fluffy atmosphere away from the medical rush we experienced at NHS clinic. Finding of the sex of my baby really has helped me to bond, to be able to concentrate on names, colours, clothes. I'm 23 wks now and he's kicking like mad, so I couldn't forget he was there if I tried but I'm defo still a member of the rabbit in headlights gang - but it's a lot easier to talk to a baby when they punch you in the bladder ;) I play the guitar and am choosing favourite songs to practice on him - the best audience as he can't run away and as you stretch you'll find you have to rub your belly with creams etc and you'll feel your baby move. Please don't worry - leave that to me, I'm the professional :) Good luck and hope I've given you some ideas to help you feel better. You'll do great. Promise.

  • It'll totally be your hormones! They can make you feel very Wierd... Yes it's very early for you to feel much of a connection at this point. When they start kicking you and you are the size of a whale you'll have much more of an awareness of your lo in there! With regards getting all the stuff, it can feel overwhelming but you don't have to get everything straight away. there are things which are essential and things which are "nice to have" and things which we just think are important because they are on lists! So I'd recommend you go for a nice stress free wander around Mothercare, John Lewis etc, pick up their lists, get excited about all the cute little things, but don't buy anything at this stage. Then go through the lists with a sensible trusted friend who you think has the same outlook as you to see what they think is necessary / nice to have etc. You'll probably get given loads of stuff as well, especially clothes and toys, and you can get great stuff on ebay and at NCT Nearly New sales which really cut the cost. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! Xx

  • Thanks for the advice my friend who had a baby in June has already offered her services if I want to go shopping and also some things like her car seat as her little boy will have grown out of it by then.

    My family (and the friend) live 5 hours away from me so I really only have my hubby and his parents who are close by who can come shopping easily with me.

    There is a 13 year age gap between me and hubby which i almost never notice with us but my in laws are both in their 70s and although I don't consider them to be old and they are very active still they feel more like grandparents to me than a second set of parents.

    It's been over 41 years since they had a baby and they have different values about how to raise children. The way they act around kids when we're out and about makes me nervous about how they'll treat our little one. They took us to disneyland paris a couple of years ago over october half term and complained at the amount of kids there were. The 3 year old in front of us in the queue for the ride was more patient and had better manners!

    I'm probably panicking unnecessarily but I'm finding it difficult not having my family close who I share much more in common with and know that I could rely on them if I needed something. If I was living closer to my parents then I'd have probably asked my mum to come to the birth as hubby is squeamish and my mum wouldn't put up with any nonesense from me if I got flustered she'd just tell me to shut up and get on with it! Tough love. I'm worried hubby won't be there when I need him.

  • Just to clarify, the friend you go through the lists with, she needs to have at least one child, so she's speaking from experience!! And best it's a friend your age, as our mums and aunties sometimes have a bit of a different outlook on things....

  • I wasn't sure how my hubby would cope with labour either but in the end he did brilliantly! We did a Hypnobirthing course which might not be your thing but it's actually really good for the birthing partner cos it gives them a defined role and ideas of things which help and not hinder too much! It's not really hypnosis, it's more preparation before the big day to help you stay relaxed and focused and positive when labour starts. I recommend it. The course is a bit pricy (we did it instead of the NCT course - should I say that on this site...!?) but you could teach yourself from the book and CDs (there is even a chapter which summarises everything for husbands so they don't have to read the whole book!). There are a few different versions but my course was Katherine Graves, she's got a nice relaxing very English voice on the CDs. Here's a link - thehypnobirthingcentre.co.uk

    It should help with general anxiety about your pregnancy and birth as well. Good luck. Xx

  • Hi, and congratulations, I don't think you will ever stop worring as soon as you get to one mild stone there's another one looming and I think that will always be the case even when they are grown up. I know what's it like to worry as does every other women who has children but you learn to live with it at the back of your mind, I found that's once I felt the baby moving then there was a bond like nothing else I had ever felt and as selfish as this may sound I liked being the only one to feel some of the movements made me feel special.

    And now I have a handsome boy who is 3 and a beautiful baby girl who will soon be 7wks and the bond I have with them both is so strong and I could not wish for more. I was worried and scared while I was pregnant with my daughter as my dad had a bad turn (he has terminal cancer) and I was scared he would not meet her and spent a long time crying sometimes over silly little things I spilled some lemonade and i cried as if someone had died and it was all hormones. I was signed of work 3 wks before I was due to go on maternity leave as my mood was low and I was unwell, I was scared to tell the doc or midwife as I thought they would watch me or take my baby but I am glad I talked to them as all they wanted to do was help and it helped even if it was just for a old good cry. And life is good at the moment dad is ok at the moment and I have my family even with my post birth complications I wake up every day and smile and I am sure you will too even if you don't feel like it now.

    all the best x x

    P.s enjoy the shopping it's lots of fun and mothercare etc will always help out with what's needed x x

  • Hi there,

    Firstly what you're feeling is completely normal, so don't worry or beat yourself up about it :-) I am 14 weeks with my second now, and like with my first, have started to feel a bit down/anxious/ worried about it all: my worries are different second time around though!- will I love them as much as my son? will I be a bad mum to my son if I'm tired from the baby, etc etc...

    My first pregnancy was wanted and I was so excited... then I could do little else but cry! For a few weeks too. I felt awful that I wasn't happy, and didn't understand why I wasn't when it was something that I wanted. As you say, people don't really understand as they expect you to be happy.

    So on a practical note,

    1. you will be fine! try and be aware it is primarily hormones messing with your head :-)

    2. Bond?! I don't know anyone who felt a bond when its this early, maybe some do, but not me! Even when I was heavily pregnant the baby was somewhat abstract (to me at least) as you don't know them yet (but the bond will be there! It confused me looking at my newborn's hands that I loved him so so much, yet these hands were unknown and foreign to me!)

    3. I can't remember when, but I personally found this 'down' phase did pass, so try to allow yourself to not be happy all the time, without dwelling on things too much

    4. I never talked to my belly!!- felt like an idiot!! then again I haven't much imagination and didn't talk to my dolls as a kid either!!

    And finally 5. There is such a thing as prenatal depression. And it affects about 10% of pregnant women despite hardly being talked about. If you have prenatal depression you may be more at risk of postnatal depression. I am not sure whether I had it or not. I felt exactly how you feel, and I think it was just a pregnancy thing for me, and went away. But do google it, and if you continue to struggle speak to your midwife as there is tonnes of support if you're diagnosed with prenatal depression. There is also a questionairre which may help you analyse whether you're down or should seek further support: blackdoginstitute.org.au/do...

    as well as some info on pregnancy depression:


    Anyway, first and foremost try and relax, you're not the only one and this is only temporary. Congratulations on your pregnancy, its a hormone filled rollercoaster, but I'm back for the second time, so must be worth it ;-)

  • Hi there, I felt the same so please don't worry. I'm sure lots of women feel like this. I'm sure hormones play a part. Also I felt like I almost didn't let myself get too excited or happy in case something went wrong - so like a defence mechanism. Everyone was asking me was I excited and I was saying yeah but also in my head feeling really scared. Like you i was scared I wouldn't bond with my baby and that I wouldn't be a good mum but like everyone says the moment you see and hold your baby you love them unconditionally. It's so weird as you can't imagine that whilst pregnant but you do. And as for being a good mum I'm sure you will be as you're so worried about not being one - it shows you care. Easier said than done but please try not to worry. Take care xxx

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