I was suggested by a friend to look into this community of NCT.
I am an (now) overweight mum with nearly 11 months old daughter. I kept to a healthy weight gain during my pregnancy. It was rather uneventful, the baby was overdue by 10 days and finally delivered with forceps. I got internal bleeding and was moved to the OT not allowing the time to breastfeed my healthy gorgeous baby. The baby spent the first 3 hours in this world crying in dad's lap. and none of the midwives came to soothe the baby or help my husband calm her down.
After moving back home my hopes of all the support from family members came falling on ground. baby was a like a toy, everyone wanted to be around when she is calm and sleepy and no one will take a crying baby home, I was forced to bottle feed and heard nasty comments like 'you dont make enough milk for her size' from my own mum. within days at home, my milk-ducts started blocking up I was screaming and crying in pain unaware of what is really happening, my mum and mum-in-law were completely useless and baby ended up being dehydrated and nose-fed. I was so let down.
My mum stayed for around 2 months and I was very scared and conscious through that time. After she left we did not talk at all until I planned my trip to meet my father after 6 months. At my Dad's home too she was not present, despite earlier promising me that she will help with the baby and I dont need to look for a full-time support. I wanted some time to recover myself as I have been looking after the baby and house all by myself with no family member around or even friend (we do not have any friend with baby and it just made it difficult to meet too often although friends do understand our side and are up for any thing we plan but I have not been able to ask anyone to take care of the baby as they really dont know anything about babies)
So at Dad's home I was again all by myself. My dad was too scared to pick the baby (which eventually he got over with during my last week of stay at his place) and my mum was just not in the same town even.
I have to start work in 10 days and I am not ready for it. It is all weighing me down so much that I have been having thoughts of harming myself. I have been very very agitated over the past whole month (it has gone from feeling guilty to feeling miserable, to feeling ok to feeling miserable again to feeling agitated over the past 11 months. And I do not remember a day when I have laughed freely in this whole time.
I am crying almost whole of the day. And the fact that my daughter prefers her dad over me is not helping either (she would rush to him the moment she hears his voice). On the other hand my husband is not very good in practical stuff like making sure that the diaper dont leak (and I dont have an extra round of laundry) getting a bottle of milk in the night (because the baby is crying and I am trying to soothe her - she is sick can do with some extra milk). Plus he nags and has too many opinions
And I am feeling at an edge where I really feel I should slap my husband endlessly, drown myself in a tub or just jump of a building with my baby. I am not sure if it is a temporary condition or if I am facing postpartum depression (and I would understand if none of you knew it either).
I want to go to my GP but I have been to my GP so many times with the baby that I am sure he will turn me down with leaflets and advise on being more active. But the fact is over the last week I have been so low that i dont even feel like getting up in the morning.
I have told my husband how I feel and few other people and told them specifically I need help. I got hugs each time, but nothing more than that.
has anyone else been through this and may have any practical advise on coming out of it. I hate being like this and I hate when I am unable to even speak to my daughter (she is such a cute little monkey, a chirpy bird!)
sorry for the long post and I forgot to mention that i gained 20 kgs after I stopped breast feeding in February. I looked lie a big baloon for my 30th birthday.