I'm sorry guys, but this is going to be a bit of a long one. I need to talk and ask some questions and for some advice.
I'm 34 years old and currently 30 weeks pregnant with my first, and long awaited child. I've had three miscarriages in the past and we've been trying for this one for a fair while. Two years ago, due to stress at work mainly, I had a breakdown. It was serious and I was extremely ill. During this time I was diagnosed with RDD (Recurrent Depressive Disorder). The doctors told me I would probably have to be on medication for the rest of my life, and since then I have been on quite a large dose of antidepressants, which more or less manage to keep me stable. I lost my job because of the Depression and since last April haven't worked. I'm working part time now, doing data entry from home, which is great, but my old job was as a Senior Ecological Consultant, which required my Doctorate and years of experience to do.
As I've been getting bigger and bigger with the baby I'm feeling increasingly worried. Everyone around me expects me to be ill.... to not be able to cope with the baby once its born. To have severe post natal depression and to get ill again.... and whats worse is that I'm scared of this myself. Is this likely? Is there anything I can do to stop this? I live in the back of beyond, and quite a way from close friends and family and although wonderful and supportive my husband works long hours and has to do a lot of overtime to help pay our mortgage, especially since I lost my job. I'm scared silly that I'm not going to be able to cope with the baby, and that I will 'live down' to everyones expectations of me. Whats also horrible, is though whilst I'm aware I haven't earnt it, I just wish that someone would believe in me and believe that I can do this.... but my friends and family are bracing themselves for me falling to pieces. And that just helps to confirm my worst fears about myself.
Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, what did you do? What can I do? I'm taking medication, both myself and my family know my warning signs.... but what do I do? Will I be able to cope? Am I likely to be passing on Depression to my child... because I wouldn't want to do that to my worst enemy..... are these fears that every soon-to-be-new mum has?
I'm feeling very alone at the moment and very scared and I don't know what to do or what to think. Any advice would be very very gratefully received!
Sorry for the length of the post.