How on earth do you cope with your mother in laws!! N... - NCT


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How on earth do you cope with your mother in laws!! Need a rant no matter how petty it may sound

Cheekymonkey85 profile image

Thought I'd feel better today but I'm still really wound up. We went round for Sunday lunch yesterday and I'm not in any hurry to go back! Yet again my potential birth choices came into conversation and she wasted no time in letting me know how stupid she feels I'd be being if I went for my first choice of a home birth, then when her husband made a brave attempt to stick up for me a little bit she shot him down completely, commenting on how I'd never had a baby before basically so how could I know what's best! I'm also being tutted at left right and centre because I don't have names picked out or have the room completely ready yet- I'd like to point out that I don't know the sex of my baby yet (so what's the rush deciding) and I work from home using the spare room for storage at the mo so can't do anything with the room until I finish work! I know it all sounds pretty minor compared with what some people put up with, but most of her knowledge and views are pretty outdated considering she had her last baby in the 70s, and to be honest her only argument against home birth was that she thinks hospitals are much safer with all their equipment compared to "a midwife at home with her hand on my belly". Also apparently I need to decide quickly so I can book a bed in hospital or a midwife?!?

Truth is, I havn't fully decided what I want to do, there is a new midwife lead unit attached to my local hospital which is an option for me, as well as the standard delivery suite and home birth. The child in me is wanting to dig my heels in and choose home birth because she doesn't want me to- but I know that's not the way to make these decisions.

Anyway, sorry for the massive rant :/ and sorry if it all sounds completely ridiculas , or very naive on my part- just massively frustrated.

45 Replies
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Oh completely disregard her and her waffle in any of your decision making. Its your baby and your body so she can say what she likes, but what makes you happy and comfortable is the thing that actually matters. In laws can be difficult to handle in pregnancy it seems! I was under pressure to create a girl as my boyfriends father has 4 sons and declared if I had a girl he'd have a party but if I had a boy he would still be generous of him. I also didn't find out the sex of my baby....though it felt like a boy to me and it was :D and he took my scan pic to work with him to ask a sonographer if they can work out the sex of MY baby!! To this day, I am fuming about that!! So now I let them say whatever and just think to can say and want whatever you like, my baby, my rules :-) x

Cheekymonkey85 profile image
Cheekymonkey85 in reply to Hidden

How bloody rude!! I'd be absolutely fuming too! What right do they think they have to make comments like that ;(

At the moment I'd be quite happy to stay away until after baby arrives- but I can't see me getting away with that somehow.

I did upset her a few weeks back tho, when asked about names replying- no not thought of any yet, but wouldn't share if we had! Stopped her in her tracks and funnily enough she hasn't asked again ;)

It's just frustrating that it's all about the baby and not what I might want- we just don't exist any more do we

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Hidden in reply to Cheekymonkey85

Nope! I get told multiple times each visit how it's about seeing the baby and not me....they add only joking at the end but there's only so many times someone can say that without inviting a smack round the chops haha!! x

I've deliberately not told anyone our chosen names, so they can't comment on them. Once the baby is born it's harder for them to object!

It sounds like an absolute nightmare and the last thing you need. Could you perhaps "feel a bit poorly" and go for a lie down when they come to visit? They could hardly object to your looking after yourself for the sake of their future grandchild! Childish I know, but I do think you need to put yourself first and if they're stressing you out it's not good for you.

As for birth choices, it is entirely your decision. Again, could you brush them off with "oh, I don't want to talk about that just now"? Hopefully they'd get the message. And presumably the baby will be in your room at first, so there's really no rush with the nursery.

Hang in there. Families can drive us all crazy!

Fortunately for us- we go to them, & I won't be going back this side of Christmas that's for sure! We are keeping names ourselves for exactly that reason!!

She is the only person managing to make me feel like this, everyone else shares your opinion- which I suppose could be part of what's frustrating me. If everyone else can support my decisions, then why on earth can't she!

For some reason MiL's seem to think they know everything and because (I'm assuming) its her first grandchild from her son, she's naturally going to want what she thinks is best. Be assertive and make it clear that she has two choices - support yours and your partners choices for the birth of her grandchild or keep her nose out until after the birth. Do your research into the various options too, that way if she starts wit the whole "hospital is safer etc" arguement, you can back up your other choices with facts. This not only shows her you're serious about the choices you're making but also that you know what you're talking about. More often than not, this is enough to stop them in their tracks. (Worked with my MiL anyway :D )

Good luck with it, don't forget to make sure your partner stands up to his mum too, that can make ALL the difference!

She's got 2 other grandchildren from her oldest son, but there will be a 13yr age gap between! Funnily enough she said all this after my OH had left the room- she knows full well he would tell her where to go if he had been there. Next time I'll be sticking to him like glue lol

Mine comments once my OH is out of the room - we seem to have many unpleasant snipes made towards me when he's not here.

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There is no need for the room to b done just yet as u4 baby will b in with u for first few sons room still isnt ready lol. We knew we were having a boy. We didnt have a name till 5mins after he was I am lucky I get on with my mil better than my own mum but I understand ur frustrations. I wud say if people had judged u (mil) when she was having a baby she wud of dismissed them too.if ur able to hav a home birth then do I wud but too chicken lol.. I wud stay well clear and ignore her..she will come crawling bk when she wants too see her grandchild xx

I'd personally cut her out, but that's just me!!! This is your baby, not hers! The last stages of pregnancy are stressful enough without toxic people making things worse. Avoid the stress and give her time to reflect!

Haha I was just about to come on here and have a rant about my in laws, I had a baby shower yesterday and my mother in law her sister & mother came and just did my head in basically. First off they started bitching about how much stuff if been given and offering my just received blankets to my partners first child for her dolls- bearing in mind I'm due in jan when its supposto b freezing and shel b sick & dribble on them meaning if I just have 1/2 I'll b forever washing them. Then they wrote in my guest book "don't leave daddy out" "include him in everything" "make sure u share roles" ect they think I'm leaving him out but they know nothing. Then this morning she had the cheek to text saying the shower was "ok" but she can't believe I announced I'm getting the baby christened, and she's the baby's nan and should have been told first, but I said it makes no odds the god mothers needed to be asked if they couldn't make the proposed date then there would b no christening that date anyway, so it's not all planned & booked it was just an announcement of a hopeful date if ppl can make it. I told her to also check with her son as he asked the god fathers last week so if she not happy I asked god mothers before she knew then to ring her son and discuss it with him instead. So I know where your coming from in laws are a pain in the arse and should learn when their opinions are and are not required! Sorry to fill up ur post xx

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Hidden in reply to Alex1tuck

Bloody hell. What a pain in the arse! x

Alex1tuck profile image
Alex1tuck in reply to Hidden

Tell me about it, seriously hard work. Next time she can stay at home and keep her opinions to herself if she didn't like it.

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Hidden in reply to Alex1tuck

Lol! Yep.stuff like that is nothing to do with anyone but the parents! x

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You ignore her hun!! It's your experience. SHE is stupid if she thinks a home birth is a midwife with her hand on your belly. I appreciate she may be worried if something goes wrong, but there is this magical number that you can call and and ambulance will arrive and get you to hospital in minutes!! Amazing!! (Hoping sarcasm cones across there!! ;) lol)

Any way, my MIL was not interested in my birth choices however she did feel the need to tell me to "be careful" 5000000000 times a day! She even said "you be careful walking" WTF!!! I've been walking for 23 years!!! Oh and constantly trying to guess the name we picked and "suggesting" her ideas. Then when we announced birth and name, she tried to claim she thought of the name!!

I just kept quiet and ignored her but she got pretty controlling when my son was born

Her 1st grandchild (my husband's sisters son,) lived with them for the 1st 6months as their house was a building site so she had a lot of input on his early years, he also spent a lot of time with their when his parents were out, and I'm just not like that! I don't want to leave him all the time right now!! She is begging to have him overnight but I'm bot ready for that yet!! Now I'm starting to put my foot down a bit more and luckily, getting back up from hubby and his sister!!

I found not even reacting to what she says effective!! Rude but it's only being rude back. Next time she says something, say you do not wish to discuss it and if she continues, ignore and try changing the subject!! :) good luck!! You can always post updates here to get it off your chest too!! Xx

Cheekymonkey85 profile image
Cheekymonkey85 in reply to Hidden

The "be careful" and "look after yourself" every visit is a bit tiring too, as well as constantly being told how well I'm doing :/ what exactly am I doing well?

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Hidden in reply to Cheekymonkey85

Oh I know!! Nightmare! I just wanted to say "I'm pregnant, not suddenly incapable of carrying out daily tasks!!"

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Hidden in reply to Hidden

If I had a pound for every time I was told to be careful and rest.....Grr, that's all I seem to be doing (really wanting this fatigue to go now)! The look of sheer horror on my Mum's face when I told her I wanted to go swimming - you'd think I'd told her I was swimming with great white sharks!

Silly woman. It's your baby, think sometimes they forget that. My OHs parents and my mum took a step back and let us make all the decisions. Also found out afterwards OHs gran had been told by them to keep her nose out as she can be really controlling so know we are really lucky. The only one having trouble with is my dad, doing everything from ordering us to call him odd names to what we should feed my son, to having to change his birth certificate!!! (He wasn't even there when I was growing up) Now I don't answer the phone.

We opted for hosp but our next door neighbours had a home birth and said was the most amazing experience of their lives. midwives go through everything. The only reason you would need to decide a bit earlier for hosp is if you want a water birth. But as a lot of these ladies will tell you birth doesn't always go to plan so choose what you want if everything does. That's what our midwife said to do x

There is obviously something in the air this weekend! I was about to post about how my mother in law was an absolute nightmare at my baby shower yesterday!! She came back to our house afterwards (as had to change her clothes to drive??!!) and we had guests who had come back with us to see the nursery. There was an issue about parking and she lost it, completely stormed out of the house and slammed the door completely embarrassing us infront of our guests and is now refusing to speak to us. Really put a dampener on what had been a lovely day :( She is a nurse so thinks she knows everything about my pregnancy (despite the fact she works with the elderly and has had no midwifery training) and has voiced very strong opinions against me having a water birth. We are currently debating what to do once our son is born as we are just sick of all the drama. But I really really sympathise! I plan to just take a step back from her as the stress is just not good for little one. All the best with your mother-in-laws. Nice to know we are not alone! xx

Must be something about baby showers, maybe they feel left out in such events. Mine was a lovely day too, I just ignored her but annoyed me when she text me today :/ lol. That's exactly what I think the stress is not good for the baby and they should consider this before opening their mouths. Xx

I know right??! We even made a point of trying to thank everyone equally for their gifts and move round the tables. Sometimes you just can't win! x

I think in laws mean well but they do drive me mad. B4 baby arrived I was continuously told how much better terrycloth nappies are. To which I replied ''so are you gonna come round and soak/wash them, , cos I'm not''.Plus she had her babies 30yrs ago. Things have moved on!!!!

Now baby is here I have a new problem. ... they live an hr away and they want to come down weekly, during the week when my OH is at work. I don't want to get into a routine of them coming every Monday for eternity..... How do I stop them from coming????

They generally stay 4hrs or so and just sit on the sofa. They just want to hold Ayla the whole time and I want them to put her down. Plus Ayla then stinks of her perfume and doesn't smell like my baby.

I just don't know how to deal with it without hurting their feelings.

I think this is just what in laws do!!!

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Hidden in reply to candiceandsesame

Tell them u hav found baby groups to go to on monday at the time they would come or ur meeting friends x

candiceandsesame profile image
candiceandsesame in reply to Hidden

I think I'll have to do something like that as I can't have them here every monday for my entire years maternity leave! Argh! They'll drive me insane ;-( x

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Hidden in reply to candiceandsesame

And if they say can u not go another time just say no as its gd to meet other mums etc and if they say can yhey come another time just say u will let them kno as u have plans..giv urself a bit of space xx

You're lucky - mine only live 20 minutes away whilst being told that my own mum lives an hour away and therefore my MIL will happily pop round - no thank you!!!

I don't know how to be firm but polite by saying I want to do things my own way - won't help that my OH will happily let his mum come round thinking that she'll be helping - she won't as she'll be commenting and making little digs.

Omg I feel so better knowing other people have the same problems! I dont like routine. I have fought against it for 12 months now. Cause they will have her say a wednesday for 1-2 hours, but then they expect it to be the same time each week same day. I have so far managed to bat it and change things to stay out of that trap. But how long I can keep it up for I do not know.

The only saving grace is I work shift work, which is constantly changing so that caboshes things like weekends cause sometimes I am working sometimes I am not.

But please when the hell does it stop.

Hmmm..... I moved 3700miles away that's a option ha ha.. Seriously opinions everyone has one or two or three but basically politely tell her I don't quite give a s""t so raise the subject again and I'll remove all prospects of future grandchildren lol

Awww thanks ladies :) it's nice to be reminded I'm not the only one!

my in laws are 10 mins away and my mum is an hours drive :( hopefully I will not get too many visits when baby arrives but I doubt it!

I plan to be out as often as I can ;)

ndh1980 profile image
ndh1980 in reply to blahty

I'm in same boat. I'd happily have my mun round and she could hold baby all day long-but not MIL. Not sure why I'm being so horrid to her. Although I have heard of the way she likes to talk about her friends, so I guess that's how she'll be talking about me. Maybe paranoid, maybe oversensitive - but that's how I'm feeling.

Perhaps we need to start a campaign. Mother in laws know your place :)

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Hidden in reply to hannah_fraser

In my case b my own mil is like my mum and shes my childcare when am bk at work so I need to b nice to mine lol xx

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Hidden in reply to Hidden

Ha! Mine is my father in law and his wife. Mother in law is surprisingly happy to let me get on with it lol x

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My mil sent a congratulating card to her son... just in his name and family. .. there is no love lost there...i may as well not exist... doesn't bother me I've got used to it...But it's a shame cos my children miss out on seeing their nan cos she doesn't really come and see them cos we dont get on and they dont go and visit as often as they could cos of the situation. .. it affects them and her son. there are no winners....but he just accepts it and anything I say gets twisted so I keep my distance... thing is she does it to get at me but it doesn't affect me just her grandkids and son!

Cheekymonkey85 profile image
Cheekymonkey85 in reply to Hidden

This really puts things in perspective for me :( as annoying as yesterday was, I know it's mostly out of concern for her grandchild. I suppose I just need to get on with it & just do things my way regardless

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Tell her that you're willing to compromise and rather than give birth at home or hospital, you'll head for your local Superdrug instead ;) I find humour & sarcasm is the best way to deal with some of the ridiculous comments & 'advice' that I've been receiving! ;)

In laws just want what's best and a lot for them mean well but sometimes it's just to much I have 3 boys and had them at hospital I have a friend who had her 2 at home the thing is to have all options open if I had not had my last son in hospital he would not be here and if I had not had my 1 in I would not be here. as I found out I have a problem with my blood clotting. My friend do not have time to get to hospital and had them both on the kitchen floor and are both fit and well . but if you have all you options then you will know what to do .the thing is it's your special time as a couple but if it's your 1 together then thay are going to be proud grandparents to and sometimes it's hard to step away from being mum and becoming a grandparent it's up to you and your partner I wanted mine at hospital I also wanted a water birth not of them were water births have all options open and don't be upset if it doesn't go the way you planed it the little one will have a big say in it and you may not get to choose what happens and you defiantly don't choose when it happens good like and let me know how it goes oh and I did my room in yellows and when I had the baby then went mad and boy things I was panting the room the cream and had pine furniture in there and that was 3 weeks before due date

Aw hun - rant away! I have similar issue with my MIL - thinks she's annoyed that I've not got a name. Think she thinks it bizarre that I've not got anything yet (I'm 28 weeks) or that I don't want to get anything - she looks stupid at me when I say about not wanting to tempt fate.

My mother in law is trying to be very kind but I just see her as trying to take over. Doesn't help that she refers to my baby as 'our baby' ( Meaning hers not mine lol). She has said that once baby is here, she'll happily pop over and clean or just hold baby whilst i'm having a shower etc - very kind but actually I want to develop my own routine and overcome my own struggles. She's offered to introduce me to her friends daughter who is having twins - again very kind, but I want to make my own friends.

My sister has just had a baby and I'll be talking to her more than mother in law. She even said that her friend is an ex midwife who I can talk to but, again I'll talk to my own sister rather than stranger who will talk to the mother in law.

Deep breath hun -you're certainly not alone!!!

Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but like you, I wish people would mind their own business!!

You need to put her in her place before you have baby, you may already have, however for anyone else reading who is in the same position: She will continue throughout birth, to the point where what you feed is no good, when you feed, how to hold her, when to wean her.

I have had nothing but constant earache since my baby was born 12 months ago. Everything I do she googles to see if I am doing something wrong.

However this is advice for the husbands of these wives. You need to stand up for your partner in this situation.

Babies pick up and sense an awful lot on mum, all the unsaid things that have offended you, all the bossing about, all the interference.

I now have a baby who screams when her grandparents hold her. Probably mainly because she senses that I am continually offended all the time by comments made by them.

I feel like I have been critised from day one on a routinely basis. And it gets you down.

At the end of the day, mum knows her child inside out and upside down. Thats why there is the saying mothers intuition.

Do not allow her to interfere with your birth plans, your the one that has to live that experience and remember it for the rest of your life.

Just play the game and tell her you appreciate her advice, however you have spoken to midwives who are specifically trained and work within both hospital and home settings and they are the most educated to give out advice.

You will find alot of midwives are pro choice. Unless your refusing to breastfeed. (Obviously a hidden goverment ticky box they need to fill out there) and if you want a home birth they will support you through that.

But until she is told to bascially butt out she will make the growing of your child miserable for you, full of self doubt.

So do what is best for you. And I would point out that the last time she had a baby was years ago, and that does not make her the fountain of knowledge, best people to talk to are the ones that have recently had babies, they know the most up to date things.

People are enfuriating I had my pregnancy and first child in India where even complete strangers have a plethora of criticism for every aspect of motherhood. It certainly won’t stop once you’ve had the baby so you may as well get her in check now. I’ve developed a practiced mildly sarcastic slightly over exaggerated ‘hmm yes you must be right’ which repeated when necessary basically gives them the idea to F off.

With regards to home birth vs hospital the only person you need to talk to is your midwife and if you want a second opinion ask to speak to a senior midwife. They know what they are doing and are the best resource of knowledge and experience as well as risk. You can then discuss your choices with your partner don’t be pressured by anyone it’s your body and you baby. But do your duty to your baby by being properly informed so you can be confident in your choice. People especially your mother in law will come to respect this.

Seb9 profile image
Seb9 in reply to Cheekymunchkins

This was posted six years ago, so you might not get a response from the original poster x

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