OH is depressed, but I'm struggling too!

My partner hasn't engaged with me or our baby this pregnancy. I'm 34w and have been quite poorly thought out. Our son was born sleeping last year at 17w and this has been weighing heavily on us through out this pregnancy. My partner refuses to buy anything for the baby or make any preparations for her arrival. I lost the plot yesterday as I've had enough! All he said is he can't cope as she might be born with something wrong with her. I want to understand but I just feel mad. Am I being unfair ?

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  • O bless you... I'm sorry to hear about your son. I don't think you are being unfair at all, I understand your partner is maybe thinking he is protecting himself by being distant from the pregnancy. However, you are pregnant and need love n support hunni. My son was born at 35 weeks n just need a little oxygen and was home in 2 weeks so your are at 34 weeks which is brilliant. I hope everything works out for you hunni xx

  • Thank you sarah, I'm so glad she strong and healthy. OH has since told me he can't connect because it a girl! I'm speechless and stumped as what to do with him. Just hope that when she's born he'll come round. X

  • That must be so hard to hear hunni, but I reckon it will be a completely different story when he first holds her in his arms ;) my oh found it hard to feel a bound which I guess is the same for most men as we feel the bound as we feel them inside us but my oh said as soon as he held our son he fell in love and felt a bound with him. I really really hope it works out for you xx

  • Hi, this must be a very difficult time for you both. I can't really relate to how you both feel but I wonder if you both grieved for your baby boy? Any parent is anxious but you must be even more so after what happened? Have you discussed how you both feel with your midwife or gp? X

  • terribly sorry for ur loss, that is a very traumatic thing to experience for both of you. I think sometimes women dont give men enough credit for their emotional states which is easily done as men tend to hide all emotions away. I can understand ur OH's reluctance to buy anything but I think he just needs reassured that all appears well this time and that the previous awful situation has no effect on this pregnancy.

    Have you thought about maybe booking a 4D scan and taking ur OH along with u. If he can see a clearer picture of the baby and can see that baby is perfectly healthy, it may relax him and reassure him.

    He does need to come to terms soon, especially as you are 34weeks and anything can happen from here on in. Baby will need clothes and furniture and travel equipment such as a pram or car seat.

    Best thing is to sit down and talk with each other openly and let him know you understand his feelings but you need his support as the negativity is stressing you out and it is not good for baby. I really hope you can sort things out xxx

  • Thank you giggly, we have talked more but opened a can of worms. He can't connect as baby is a she not a he! Now I just don't know what to do. Hope he comes round when she's born xx

  • that is terrible! Its not like we can hand in an order like its a chinese takeaway. I reckon when the little girl is born, he will take 1 look into her eyes and all this jibberjabber will be forgotten. If he doesnt, he needs a jolly good slap xx

  • Thank you ladies, I think OH hasn't really grieved, I had some specialist counselling but OH didn't attend. I have bought everything we need for our daughter but am far from ready for her arrival. We have a final nhs scan Friday but where can I get a 4d scan done? I'm hoping that he'll come round soon maybe a 4d scan could help. I have tried to talk but he retreats inside himself. All Your kind words have help me greatly to regain some calm and strength! Blessings to you all x

  • Go on groupon they regularly hav deals for 4d scans at fraction of the price as can b quite pricey..hopefully this will help ur oh feel bit less stressed out and will b something u can enjoy together. If he finds it tough tlking about it...get him to write to u telling you about his feelings. My boyfriend has had severe depression and has been hospitalised through it although was b4 baby but I kno how u feel but he found it gd to write things down rather than tlk...now things r much btr and we tlk about feelings all time x

  • Where are you based? I went to a great 4D scan place in Rugby and same company also operate from Leicester. I'm so sorry, it must be really hard both for him and for you. Could you get him to go to a midwife appointment with you so that he could hear all is going well? Also, maybe put his hand on your stomach when baby kicks, could that help him connect? x

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