Relationship problem!!

Hi,

Me and my boyfriend haven't been together too long before I feel pregnant. I'm not 34 weeks pregnant and my hormones are all over the place, one morning I'm on top of the world, the next I just want to curl up in my duvet and never leave! My boyfriends now become more distant as well, he doesn't seem interested in anything (although he has said this is because he's worried about hurting the baby) and I'm not quite sure what to do. We've had our arguments and become a bit more distant now my due date is getting sooner, I'm hoping its just because he's worried about the baby coming as its all becoming a bit more real for him as he's said in the past he doesn't feel like a dad yet because he can't experience what I can. I'm just terrified that we're going to break up before the baby's even here, I just wondered has anyone got any advice? I'm terrified of being a single parent although I have an amazing family behind me.

I don't know if this is just hormones as my health visitor was worried I was suffering from depression or if it's something a little bit more that will affect my relationship.

If anyone has any advice please would be so helpful

6 Replies

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  • Hi,

    Can I 1st all of all say don't be so hard on yourself when you're not feeling 100% one day.

    I'm also 35wks "tomorrow" with my 2nd child & some days I feel like i could bounce of a trampoline in happiness & the next day I feel like i could scream at the top of my lungs :(

    Many men (including my other half) can be a Lil selfish at times & inconsiderate but there's a part of me which wouldn't want him to leave as we already have the 1 child together & expecting another in roughly 5wks time.

    men also do find it hard to express their feelings at the best of times so he may be just "bottling-up" his feelings in order not to upset you too much. From what you mentioned it does sound as if he's trying though when he said he's worried about hurting the baby or something)

    It's definitely difficult as my Other half also works full-time hours and leaves the house very early mornings so it seems as if I don't get to see him half of the time but if you could maybe get just the 1 day a week to spend some time together you'll probably feel a bit better.

    Good luck!! :)

  • This might sound like a really rubbish piece of advice but trust me on this... my oldest is 18 now, my youngest 10 months and I've been where you are. If he's going to leave, he will leave. Getting stressed about it won't keep him there and you pass all your stress to your baby. It will also not help matters if you're getting upset all the time as most men shy away from that sort of thing. You're 34 weeks now and in 6 weeks time you'll have your baby and that wil be all that will matter to you. This is THE LAST 6 WEEKS THAT YOU CAN PUT YOU FIRST, so do that... relax and enjoy your baby coming. See if there are any relaxation things on at your local childrens centre or anything, or just other mums to talk to and have a cuppa with. That might help you xxx

  • It sounds like you are actually pretty good at communication. I think that is the key thing. You could try to put some time aside to talk about how you both feel at this stage. Rather than accusations e.g.: "you are going to leave me!' Try talking just about how you feel e.g.: "I'm afraid that because we haven't been together long this might be too much too soon for you and you might go" then stop and let him answer and listen without interrupting or correcting. He says what he wants and then you respond, try and keep it brief and as calm as you can. I agree with f3speechy about getting upset all the time making men feel intimidated but sometimes the best way to avoid that is to take the bull by the horns and talk it through. Some men hate talking about their feelings but that often has more to do with hating tit for tat slanging matches where everyone cries! Women do tend to be the ones who interrupt to finish sentences when men are struggling to express themselves and sometimes get it totally wrong, whereas men often try to 'fix' things (so they often stop you talking by coming up with a 'solution' before you have said what you want). If you can keep things calm and avoid accusations you can really get this stuff out in the open and try to tackle some for the issues which come up for you. If it helps, have a prop (e.g. a cushion) which you hold when it is your turn to talk to remind you of who needs to talk and who needs to listen and pass it on when you are finished. I know that sounds really daft and 'forced' but it can help. Me and my husband still use it when we have something difficult to discuss after being together 16 years.

    It sounds like he is someone who will talk. Your message reads as if you are really wanting to know the truth and will feel more secure even if he does want to go knowing exactly where you stand and relying on the support of your family. My feeling is that he is still with you now and hasn't cleared off so he probably wants to be there and make it work but feels uncertain of himself. If you can get into a habit of opening up to each other that could see you through some of the difficult times in the early days with your baby. I'm sure you know that if you both want to be sexually intimate there is no risk to your baby unless you have a condition like a low lying placenta and have been advised not to have sex. If is really an entrenched idea for him you could try being close and intimate in other ways - feeling physically estranged may not be helping with the emotional issues you feel you have. Just some thoughts - it's probably not for everyone but you sound like a couple who already talk but need you the courage to tackle what is on your mind.

  • Hormones Are all over the place at the moment andu can over analyze things the best thing u can do is sit down and talk to him about ur fears and hopefully he can make u feel better x

  • I am 26 week and have the same issues really. I think it is hard for our other halves sometimes. I can't seem to maintain any mood for more then 2 hours I am up and down. :( I hope it works out for you.

  • I'm week 38 now and a for a few months my partner and I were arguing loads too, and I thought we were going to break up too. I kind of knew my hormones were all over the place, but you don't realise that at first. It didn't take much to set me off crying or shout back.

    Then when we went to nct classes one of the many things they talked about was hormones and that the guys may have noticed a change in the ladies' moods over the last few months (all guys nodded, while us girls looked a little uncomfortable about this), but it's totally normal and that patience, support and understanding are needed as we are going through a life changing really tough time!

    Since those classes my partner has been much more understanding, and excited about the baby and we are getting on so much better too.

    Nct and nhs antenatal classes also put you in touch with other couples and ladies who are going through the same experiences as you, at the same time, which helps to have people to talk to.

    With regards to sex, yes it's very normal for men to go off sex as they think it can harm the baby, but this isn't possible (unless your waters have broken!). I found an article online and sent it to my partner so he could have a read and it would reassure him. Didn't make a huge improvement, but a little!

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