How to deal with my mother-in-law?: I am 38 weeks... - NCT


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How to deal with my mother-in-law?

abite2eat profile image

I am 38 weeks tomorrow and me and my husband have planned to be on our own for the birth of our 1st son which seems to bother my mother-in-law clearly, she has tried to discuss it with us both separately using as different tack each time asking why my mum isn't going to be there, now I love my mum but we don't have that sort of relationship I did bring it up with her and i was promptly told it is something me and husband need to do on our own as it is a special time for us, Which I was very pleased about. yesterday mother-in-law had a quiet word with me and basically said th as t she didn't know how husband would coupe on his own in that situation that's the fifth time, my husband thinks she wants to be there which we have both said that can not happen but I just don't know how to deal with it, this lady is in the 70s but she just won't give up and I don't want to fall out with her Anyone else been in this situation or similar?

12 Replies

Ohhhh I feel for you but it will make u feel uncomfortable if she is there...just have to be honest with her and say u don't know what your going to be like and it's very personal and u just want ur husband there...Say that once you have experienced it then maybe when u have your next one she can be...and say u don't mean to upset her but that's how u want it....I wouldn't want my mum there she would drive me potty! But like your own mother has said it's a personal and special time for both of u and say that's hat ur mother said and that is how u feel....maybe say if she wants to wait outside she is welcome...but make sure u tell the midwives that she is not allowed in.....hard one as u don't want to upset her but u don't want it spoiling a very important and special occasion but make sure u get ur point across x

Basically you need to but your foot down. In fairness should be your partner doing it, and there isn't really a diplomatic way to do it. She might have her feelings hurt a little but there will be more than plenty of time for her to see the baby after labour. Just say outright that its going to be just the two of you. But make sure your partner says so to, that way you aren't getting blame for pushing him into anything. If you put in birth plan worst comes to worst the midwives would ask people to leave if you didn't want them there. My OHs parents and my mum have been really good, they are leaving us to how ever we want but the rest of family has been a problem and when spoke to midwife about it she said basically put foot down. this is you and your partners time and you need to do what's right for you. they'll stop most people anyway as can only have two people in room throughout but if you don't want anyone else there make sure its on your birth plan. If change mind later you can say, but at least its there so you have support if the issues pushed when your really not in the frame of mind to say no more nicely x

Thankfully, my MIL lives in a different country. You just have to be firm, no matter what - I don't think there is an easy way out in these situations. You either get what you want or you give in and she gets her way. There's us NO WAY I would have allowed my MIL in!

Your husband will be fine too - my OH wasn't hugely keen on the idea if being in the delivery room, and said he would be 'head end only'... Of course, on the day he was amazing and very involved!

Essentially, this is about the three if you and no one else. You can never get that 'birth of first baby' experience back x

Yes!! I'm in your exact situation! I'm only 28 weeks gone and mother in law is very very pushy and over the top. She has an opinion about everything for me!! I told her I was painting the nursery blue but oh no she dosent like that colour!! And she asked me what nappies I had bought, I told her a range and her reply was your not buying the top brand nappies?! Don't you want your wee one to have the best?! ( I'm my opinion a nappy is a nappy and he is going to poo and pee in it so what does it matter?!). I have been given a few second hand items as well from family, which is in mint condition and you wouldn't even think is used but she dosent think that's good enough? She's even turned my other halfs old bedroom at her house into a nursery for my wee one!! She was annoyed when we didnt ask her to come to the scans with us and made snide comments at me when we were up at the house. And she is now starting to comment on the birth, trying to quietly put in the fact she wants to be there. This is my first wee one and her first grandchild. So I can understand she is excited but she is so god damn pushy. Anyway more to point, me and other half have discussed and I have told him under NO circumstances is she coming to birth. You need to be comfortable as it is a very uncontrollable and personal time and if your anything like me I am not going to be comfortable with her being there. I have told midwife I do not want her in, so it is in all my notes saying only to be me and partner whatsoever. We usually get along great but she has just become to overexcited to the point where it is now becoming a bit pushy. In our case, I got my other half to sit down and talk to her on their own as I felt if I did it she might take it the wrong way. She has calmed down slightly but there is still plenty of time to go!! My advice to you is as hard as it it put your foot down. It's going to be hard but at the end of the day it's what we are comfortable with for the big day and my mother in law will not be anywhere near until I tell her so! As for your other half don't worry. My other half is a very very sensitive guy and panics straight away if anything is wrong with me but we had a practice run a few weeks ago with Braxton hicks and he was AMAZING. I couldn't believe how well he handled so I have every faith on him for the big day now :) x

DrFluffy profile image
DrFluffy in reply to Mango401

Go get yourself some Aldi Mamia nappies - she'll probably pop a major blood vessel and they are amazing nappies - joint leaders with pampers but MUCH cheaper (no 1 nappies are £1.69 for 24!) ;-p

It's sweet that she wants to be involved, but I totally agree that it's a time when you need to be at your most comfortable. Personally I found labour very private, just me and my OH but it's each to their own.

Like the others have said, just be honest and say that you'd like it to just be your baby's parents who welcome him/her in to the world! Probably the best advice is not to tell anybody when you go in to labour though! I text a couple of friends when I started contracting and I must've had a million texts and calls, not productive. Other than my mum who will be looking after my little boy, nobody will know anything until there is a baby in my arms this time!

Good luck, it's a delicate situation but I'm sure she'll understand x

Im currently in this predicament!! But it's my mum AND my sister!! My partners away with the army and im due to be induced monday, I have told them both in no uncertain terms the only person I want in the delivery room with me is my OH if I cant have him id rather do it alone, it is our special moment there is no-one else I would want to share it with, I know theyre just trying to look out for me but I am not that kind of person, the best way they can look after me is to be at home with my 4year old daughter making sure she is happy + bring her into meet her little brother at the earliest opportunity. I know it might sound harsh but its my birth experience not a side show, im not squeezing a person out of me to entertain other people and keep them happy, if you were not there at the conception or a medical professional I dont need you there at the birth!!

Sorry that turned in2 a bit of a rant!! Lol xx

dons88 profile image
dons88 in reply to Hughesie1206

Being present the conception is a great criteria for a birth partner! Just pretend that's the hospital's rule and not your own and problem solved!

my mum was same i told her they only allow 1 person in the ward... thankfully labour started in middle of night and we sneaked out

Don't tell her when labour starts!your baby your choice !you weren't there when she had her children why can't she just listen to what you want?!

Why don't you and your husband tell her when you are together that it will just be your husband with you in the hospital. Say thanks for offering the support but you have decided it will just be the two of you. Perhaps if you tackle her together she will see that she can't try and work on you both seperately. Just be firm and at the end of the day, when it all happens just go to hospital the two of you as you have told her how it will be. As difficult as these things are its best to be firm with her know as it's not something you will need to deal with when you are in labour. Good luck x

Thanks everyone for your reply we won't be giving in on this I think she has finally got the hint take care xxxxxxxxx

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