Am i being mean?

hey lovely people,

in sat up feeling terrible, Ewan is now 9 1/2 weeks, i have been trying a routine for the last 2 nights now, in feeding him putting him in his crib and as long as he's not crying monitor on and getting jobs done, the first night was 8.45pm tonight was 9.15pm although both nights, both nights he has gone to sleep straight away only to be up 1/2 later i check on him, make sure he's ok, put dummy back in but unless really upset i do not get him out, but we stay upstairs no lights on, little talking just reassuring him im there both nights its been 11-12 when he's finally settled then he goes 4 hours (ie why im up now) he's sleeping alot in the day even before trying this and i feel it might be because he's not getting the most out of night time, he's also awake for longer than he used to be when he wakes up in the night, i was thinking am i putting him down too early? As when he wakes first time he wants to be wide awake again as he's not really crying when he wakes up, then when he goes through the night try bringing the time forward as he will know no different then, my friend started bedtime routines with all 3 of her boys at 3 months so am i being mean on him trying to do it too early, feel like a terrible mum at the moment as i feel like im forcing him into this when he's not ready on the other hand having him sit up with me till late at night also isn't fair.

my other half (who is in the army and away all week and some weekends) suggested i go to bed with him so he settles better knowing in there but what if i manage to get him down for 8.30pm, the plan was for that to be my time to get things done (I've been doing the Xmas tree since Sunday afternoon) and a bit of me time in not half as tired as i was at the beginning as once he's settled he's only up once or twice in the night or am i being selfish with that plus when he's home he's not going to be going to bed at 8pm

he is breastfed with a formula before bed, although sometimes he's not interested and ends up finishing off on the breast but it fills him a bit more and i know how much he's had before bed

am i trying this too early on? Is he too young? Am i being mean? Alot of people are getting on at me about starting a routine

well i think that's everything

Thanks for reading

x x x

Last edited by

Featured Content

Join the community

Connect with people like you to talk about challenges, surprises, questions and joys that come with pregnancy, birth, and becoming a parent.

Get started!

Featured by HealthUnlocked

27 Replies

  • I feel for you and am getting that same this end, my LO is 11weeks and I have been trying to bring bedtime forward, I started quiet feed at 8.45 last night and was 10.20 by time I got him to bed and he's slept about 7hrs which is normal. Everytime I laid him down he's awake in minutes. Only started so early last night as I'm not well, OH on nights so like you only me to take care of him. I was going up try bringing it forward gradually by stay 10-15 mins. He does get over tired then hard to settle, I have once out him to bed at 7.30 and was too awake 30 mins later, one of his 'power naps' I really struggled to get him to sleep that night xx

  • Don't feel bad on yourself. You said you're not leaving him to get really upset so him laying in his cot chilling even when not asleep wont hurt him. I have found that the older my boy gets, the earlier he wants sleep anyway as he's more active in the day and taking lots in so he's knackered later! Used to go to bed by about 12/1am and now its 10/11pm which I'm ok with. He's starting to get tired before this now so over time I think I'll be able to get him to bed by 9.30 and go from there. Do what's right for you, not others. He'll soon get with your routine and he'll get bored laying there and realise it's bedtime now x

  • Hey don't feel bad you do what you think is right no one can say your doing it wrong its a learning curve for both you and hubby and baby.....

    My first I did routine routine routine.... He's now 7 still wakes 5ish am. Same for my second baby routine routine routine from 12 weeks... She wakes the same time.

    My third is 5 months old he is the only EBF baby I have let him choose when he wants to sleep I haven't instilled a routine because as you know BF on demand is not routine. He has on his own dropped the feeds he no longer requires .

    I would struggle to keep him awake around 7pm so I'd usually go bed with him. Then he'd wake around 2am 4am and 6am for night feeds. Slowly from 10 weeks old he gradually dropped them first was 4am then after a week or two he dropped the 2 am now sleeps from 7-5.30am. Which I very happy with.

    You just do what you feel is right. I think back to my first two and wish I'd have not listened to anyone about routine and just let baby decided. It's much less hassle and no stress this time round. :-)

    Good luck let us know how you get on.

  • Hey, don't feel bad. As long as he's not crying and getting upset he'll be fine.

    Do you bath him at night? I found doing activities in the early evening so that they get tired

    helps - bath or play gym.

    Also, advice I was given by HV was to feed baby in the dark and then cuddle them until they are sleepy and not until they are sound asleep. On a scale of 1 to 10 - 1 being wide awake and 10 being fast asleep - you should aim to put them down at 7 or 8, eyes closed and sleepy.

    I found that this helps, they then settle themselves into a deeper sleep. I usually lay on the bed for a while until he's settled nicely.

    When I first started this routine my son used to wake 3 or 4 times and I'd be up and down stairs, now he rarely wakes at all before we go to bed about 10 or 11.

    HV also suggested that if they fidget when you put them down don't panic, they're just getting comfy - I found this to be very true!

    My LO is now 15 weeks and gets tired by 7pm so bath time starts at 6,30 and usually asleep by 7.45. Still wakes at 3am for a quick feed but then not waking until 8am.

    I much prefer this rather than keeping him awake until I go to bed - I personally like having my evenings back!

    Remember every little baby is different and they'll find their own timings and what works for you if you persevere with the same routine xx

  • U do what suits u. Don't feel pressured into doing stuff tht u and ur baby are not comfy with. We dont have a routine as such but we usually go to bed at 9ish me aswell. .he is normally tired so I dont hav to try hard to get him to sleep. My son is 12 weeks and ebf so as allyemo says dont hav a routine as such although I kno when the feeds will be. The older he gets and the longer hes awake the more tired he will get.. we have play time with his sensory toys at about 6 with daddy and I think all the groups I am taking him too is waring him out. Dont feel ur being mean..ur doing a great job..just dont feel pressured by no one with ur child..u kno whats best. Xx

  • Thankyou for all your lovely comments and advice, i have always suffered with anxiety and depression so in thinking of 101 things i should be doing while he's asleep, so i cant rest even when he's asleep, he's got a bit of a sniffle at the moment aswell, last night he finally went off in his crib at 11.30pm on his own up at 3.30am when i wrote the post for an hour then been up every 2 hours after that he also really seems to be struggling to poo he's not poo'd since Sunday feeling like a failure today as when he woke up he's been grumpy feel like im letting him down

    x x x

  • Ur not letting him down at all..we all kno some days are btr than others. Ur a gd mum to tht little boy and ur a supply of food..warmth and comfort to him and he loves u. It is hard to switch off sometimes I find it at night and during day I really want to get on and sort out xmas stuff but my son wants cuddles.

    If hes abit uncomfortable with not pooing..try a warm bath..or a tummy massage and bicycle legs might get things going. With the sniffles..there is this stuff I got made by calpol called saline nasal spray..quick spray up each nostril and i found it really helped. .suitable from birth.

    If your concerned speak to ur hv if shes approachable.

    Do u go to any groups. .I have found tht going to places with other mums u will b suprised how many other people r in same position as u and no one judges u. I go to baby sensory classes which are great u shud look online for some in ur area as u will both benefit xx

  • Ah James has grumpy days too and it feels like you cant do anything right for them. But thats just their off days, its not about us. They just fancy being a pain sometimes lol. You are not letting Ewan down at all. The fact that you worry so much about his happiness and comfort shows how much you love and care for him and are doing your best. That is what he needs....and it's all any of us can do. I agree with Ceribean about baby groups. I attend one each week that end before Xmas (ill be looking for more in the new year). It's so nice to mingle with other mums and hear their woes and realise that we all go through it. There you can get support and offer it and the babies get all knackered out from the win haha! So if you don't already go to any, you may want to consider that :-) x

  • Yep we are on the nasal spray made by calpol, it does seem to relieve it a bit, and i go to a mothers and babies group on a Monday morning which is specifically for breast feeding mums and their babies, we have had a nightmare night, he was exhausted so tried putting him down he screamed to the point he was red in the face he's settled for now but i have given up trying to get anything done and also come to bed, worst part was the mother in law was here to witness it all

    x x x

  • Oh no, what a shame she was witness to the drama but I wouldn't worry. What time did you start trying to get him to bed tonight. Unusually we are up for a feed 3 hrs after he went down which was 10.30. I didn't bother trying any earlier as he's had an epic sleep in the afternoon, again not like him but I am not well so that might be why? X

  • I think one of the important things about routine is that the baby knows what's coming and therefore doesn't feel surprised when the event happens. Hence it's important to repeat the same sequence each time.

    Important to remember though there are things that will make the difficult such as when they're poorly or when your tired etc... If you really want to establish the routine the key is to persevere with patience and cuddles. Think about exactly what you want the routine to involve.

    The key thing is whether you as baby's mummy thinks it's the

    right thing for you both, if it's genuinely not then change your plan.

    The road will be bumpy and these little monkeys love to test their Mummy's!

    I also find it difficult to rest/sleep when I do get the chance but have found making lists a great help or even just writing things down to get them off my chest.

    Things will get better, it's just a learning curve which will always have it's ups and downs!!!

  • I started about 8.30pm after a feed as he was exhausted, he screamed as soon as i got him upstairs, i tried reassuring him, putting dummy back in, cuddles ect but he was inconsolable, by 10pm he was gripping my pjs and trying to suck my neck, i decided to make him his formula that i usually do for bed but didn't think he was going to stay awake for by 10.30ish as i was writing my last post he dropped off after 3 oz its now 4am and he's just stirred for a feed, hopefully he might feed a little better if he's a bit more refreshed and hungrier

    x x x

  • Blimey I didn't expect you to say he reacted like that, sounds like he's panicing. Is he taking naps in his cot? Our LO knows what's coming when I bring him into bedroom, lights low, night nappy on they lay him on our bed and zip him into his sleeping bag for his final feed. I feed & pop him down, sometimes asleep sometimes a little awake which is far trickier. We are trying to get him used to naps in his bed (which is moses in cot) as mummy's nap is no longer appropriate alot of the time and as he is nearly too big for the Moses now we want him to get used to being in the cot.

    I have pretty much reside myself to getting nothing done except for grabbing 30 mins here or there when he's in his bouncy chair or floor gym. Anymore then 30 mins and he's upset and starts making tired signals so I limit the activity and try and get him to nap. (Again a bit like the 'E.A.S.Y' routine) I don't follow it strictly but the concept is there and a natural pattern occurs, i follow his rhythm, the difference between the EASY routine and mine is generally the sleep/nap periods as he is power napper, he also doesn't take as many. I have recorded his days activities so I can see for sure what it involves to see the pattern emerging.

    Have a little read and see if you think it might help. (Right got to pop him back to bed and grab some more sleep) xx

  • He does nap in im his cot but probably not as much as he could do, after hisn4am feed he had a little bit of a kick and a happy gurgle on his changing mat while I did his bum then he started yawning so i zipped him back in his grow bag laynhim in his.cot.asl

  • Don't know about the other ladies but after night feeds we don't have any 'play' time. Interaction is also minimal, just cuddles. I also don't do a nappy change unless it's dirty which is rare at night.

    All of these things will engage your baby and make him more awake and harder to settle.

  • Yh same here. If he gets up in the night though I will do his nappy but no play, only soothing and then milk and back to bed. He knows the drill x

  • Same as, very formal feed, he's done in about 10-15 mins, I am prob sat there with him longer then I should be as on the forum! Once he started sleeping for longer stretches & I realises we weren't having 'dirty' nappies overnight I started using pampers dry nights so I don't need to change. I kept an eye on skin as wasn't convinced at 1st that was the right way to go but they seem to be doing as it says on the tin xx

  • (sorry pressed submit by accident) so i lay him in his cot no tears and within 5-10 minutes he was zonked, so now im very confused, but after 5 1/2 hours between them feeds he's only gone 2 this time but clearly still tired as he has zonked again

    x x x

  • Archie (11-12 weeks old) tends to take about 10 hours sleep a night, last night was up for an extra feed at 1.30 which is so not like him. He will normally go 7hrs, feed and back down for 1 longer or 2 shorter sleeps with top up feed in the middle. Sounds like your LO is stretching out the need for that 1st feed now if he's going 5+hrs.

    I think at your LO's age we just worked on a 7pm bedtime routine, I cluster feed to a point of say 10pm then brought him to bed to finish routine. I have tried closing the gap starting the final feed at 9pm but I can still end up putting him into bed nearer 11 because I guess that's his sleep cycle at the moment. We'll get there hun, don't fret :-) Xx

  • In wasn't sure about the bum changing as i thought you could only leave them in the same one for so long, we have no interaction at night either just a cuddle if he's upset just to reassure him

    x x x

  • Thankyou going to give them a try

    x x x

  • Thts what I use with my 12 week old all the time. He has wet nappies but very rarely poos at night..I always change him when we wake up in morning as he wees for England at night. Go on amazon u can get great deals. .I got 196 pampers for £18..x

  • Yep Amazon great prices, need to order more wipes too :-) X

  • How's it going tonight Flossy? Xx

  • Settled at 10.30 ish again but didn't start till slightly later as he was power napping all day then nodded off for an hour or so a bit later than planned has only just woke up now to be fed so similar to night before but not nearly as upset, we had quiet feed upstairs and i went to bed at the same time had a lovely day with him yesterday so happy and smiley got quite a bit done aswell x x c

  • Ah bless, that's good. No screaming this time so an improvement. My little monkey would not sleep ALL day! In the end i had to sling him and still he fought it, he took 30mins and I tried to start settling him from 9.30. The whole thing takes about 40-45 mins I guess so he was down not long before Ewan. Last 2 nights he's been waking for the early feed again so totally thrown what I thought was happening!! These babies are sent to test us lol xx

You may also like...