I'm a Complete Failure

I've been visiting this site now for the past few days and wanted to write a post but always felt a little silly. My partner and I recently broke up which was my choice in the end because believe it or not, he was using me to help financially ie. pay his mortgage, bills. He also owed a friend £70k which he told me was also my debt because we were together. The £70k by the way was a loan he got from his friend to pay his ex because they used to own a house together. This loan was taken out months before I met him. There is more evidence that the relationship was a complete farse but because I guess I was so lonely when we first met I believed everything he said. I can't believe there are people out there that are so cold. There was no love and affection in the relationship.

Anyway, the reason I am writing is that I am 19 wks pregnant and already have a 3 year old son and feel like I've failed them both. The father to my 3 year old son has not been around from day 1 and now the father to this baby does not want anything to do with it. Infact he has been asking me to have an abortion and also his parents (who are ministers in the church) are saying I should. Luckily I have my parents support and they tell me I will be fine however I am just so worried about my son and my baby. I don't want to let them down but somehow I feel I have. I work full time as a Finance Manager so I know I will be fine financially but I am just so worried how not having a father in their lives will affect them in the future. I also feel completely stupid because I should have seen the signs along time ago but I so wanted the relationship to work and questioned my gut feelings when instead I should have gone with them. I'm a complete FAILURE.

20 Replies

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  • Sometimes when you are in a situation you only see what you want to see. You cannot be so hard on yourself for being in a relationship and wanting it to work! He sounds like if anyone is a failure it is him....no responsibility for himself, his finances, and now his baby. You are well shot of him so just focus on the fact that he wwould have held you back and created issues in your life you didn't need (the 70k loan a perfect example!) His parents can do one in my opinion....they have no say in this matter at all and the whole family butting their noses in thing really irks me. Bring up your babies as best you can and it sounds like you also need to focus on making yourself happy too. You say you were lonely and feel this may have blinded you to the relationship....perhaps look at finding some fulfillment in your life through your successes (your career, your children and your family and friends). You being happy will make your babies happy too and you don't need to rely on someone else to create a happy home.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy! I really hope you get to enjoy this time and realise that you are not a complete failure and your babies will never think you are!

    x

  • Thanks you so much for your kind and positive response to my post. You are totally right in that I need to be happy within myself and not to seek this from others. I will try and focus on my future with my son, baby and my parents. I am an only child so I am very close to my parents and they have been so supportive. I feel blessed to have them. I know this sounds terrible but I hope I don't hear from my ex now because I do feel I will cope better without his interference. x

  • Hi there, I really feel for you and what a prize t**d this guy turned out to be!

    Anyhow, its the choices you make from now on that are the important ones. Your children love you for who you are and that is priceless.

    I suggest that you start with not being too hard on yourself and confide in someone you trust to make sure you get all the support you need from this day forward. Also it may be wise to seek some legal advice about the debt and extricate yourself financially from this sponge.

    Many women experience toxic relationships but there is life beyond, I also suggest that you look at womens aid as there may be information/ support which will help you regain your self esteem after this relationship - you are not a failure and no one has the right to label you as such. There are better things ahead for you and I wish you luck. I hope this helps :)

  • It really is amazing how people get sucked in by these nasty people. I wouldn't be shocked if he is already in the process of finding someone else to fund his life. Luckily I got out before getting into debt with this guy and he did keep asking me to sell my house which I rented out but that was the final straw. I have no financial ties with him so phew!

    I do need to build my self confidence up again and I was thinking of joining a gym and start swimming again. I think exercise does make me feell better.

    Thank you so much for responding to my post. Everyone has been so kind and the advice very beneficial. I am so glad I sent my post. Thank you again x

  • you are anything but a failure.... and what an idiot your ex has turned out to be,

    My Dad was in and out of our lives from day 1, he is a raging alcoholic and Mum raised us both without any financial support from him, she never asked him for anything (altho it was a struggle at times i can remember her having 3 jobs in one go) my mum did everything for the 2 of us and now i am 25 and expecting my own baby and my brother is 29 with a 3 year old son, we have never been closer as a family. Dont get me wrong my brother and i are in contact with my Dad we always have been well on and off over the years Mum never stopped us from seeing him, but from this we have been able to make opinions of him ourselves, i love and respect my Mum for all she has done for us over the years where as i do love my Dad but i dont think i have as much respect for him as a parent he is more like a friend.

    You yourself sound like you have a loving family, my brother and i never felt we went without love and affection. The biggest male influence in our life was my Grandad, my mums dad, he was amazing, we had to move in with him at one point but he was my best friend, my brother and i were his youngest Grand children, he used to say all his grandkids had had their spoilt time with Grandad when they were the youngest we just got it for a bit longer :) unfortunately we lost him when i was 12 but he was a massive influence and help in our lives and up bringing, my uncle (my mums sisters husband) was also around for us a lot when we were younger, he was a big fatherly figure in our lives, unfortunately at only 49 we lost him 9 months after we lost Grandad :(

    Sorry for rambling on but i feel so strongly about mums who find there selves in these circumstances despite their best efforts, you are so strong to face this on your own, know you tried so hard to make it work as my mum did she didnt leave my dad for 15 years in total of knowing each other, getting married and having 2 children (brother was 5, i was 13 months) and that was only because he hadnt been paying the mortgage and they were loosing the house anyway. Shes now 55 and works bloody hard for the last 10 years she has been buying the house we have been in since i was 3 shes an ispiration and my hero

    You can do this you dont need him

    x x x

  • Firstly I am so sorry for the loss of your Grandad and Uncle and your mum sounds like a wonderful woman. I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me as this gives me hope in that my children will feel the same way as you do about your mum. I really want to do the best I can for them and like your Grandad my son already adores my dad. He loves his Grandma too of course and they spoil him rotten. All the reponses I have had have really given me a boost that I needed today and I feel quite positive about the future now.

    By the way congratulations on your baby. Your baby will be so lucky to have a mother like you who has experienced alot in life which has made you a very special person. Thank you again for writing x

  • what lovely words you have written to everyone that has replied to you. I am so lucky to have the mum i have and that is what your children will feel about you. Your children are very lucky to have such a wonderful caring mum like you and what sound like amazing grand parents, my Other halfs Grandad hates the fact hes a Grandad, infact he tried to encourage my boyfriend and his older brother to call him by his first name when they were tiny from what i can gather he's not a big fan of being a dad so imagine his reaction when we told him he was going to be a great-grandad, nevermind our baby boy (Ewan) is going to have 3 other great-grandparents on my mans side who will more than make up for his negative attitude, we dont need people like that, my little family are going to be just fine and so is yours, its not the same but my boyfriend is in the army so im technically classed as a single parent till i move with him but that could take years, if you ever need to chat or feel a bit overwhelmed just pm me

    x x x

  • It's strange how some people aren't very loving towards children. You'd think he'd love being a grandad and great-grandad! Like you said you have enough people around you who will love you all and especially Ewan.

    Thats a shame you can't move in with your boyfriend. Is there any reason for that? I bet it is worse for you because I expect you worry about him being in the army in these times. My respect goes out to him. My dad was in the army before I was born and my parents travelled alot.

    Thanks for the offer of chatting and I will take you up on that. You'll wish you hadn't offered :o) Also if you need to talk I am normally online although if I take a while to reply it may because i'm snowed under at work. x

  • just due to rules, hes only just finished his training so we couldnt live together then but now hes posted (4 hours away) we get added to a waiting list (once baby has arrived) we dont automatically get housed as we are not married :(

    x x x

  • That's not fair. You should defo be housed together when baby arrives. I really don't know who makes up these silly rules....probably a man lol! x

  • as they say tho every cloud has a silver lining, while im waiting im staying put at home with my lovely mum, so she will get plenty of Nanny, Grandson time :) x x x

  • Some women just choose bad men. My mum was the same. My dad is a complete t**t to say the least. He's an alcoholic and was only there when he felt like it, usually when he wanted something. My brothers dad, well the less said the better. So if he was with you for the money you are much better rid.

    There's something I've learnt growing up, with friends who have both parents and friends who have one parent. a child is much better with one happy parent than two unhappy ones. He might come to regret his decision in time, but that's a problem for the future, and now you need to concentrate on yourself and your children. you're obviously already a strong woman, and even though things feel bad now sounds like for now at least a dad is not in your children's best interests x

  • Yes I think I am one of those women however time to change I think. The responses I have had have made me realise you don't need a man in your life to make you happy. I think I am sort of old fashioned because my parents are still together and very happy and I just always assume that this is how I should be. I think alot of the men nowadays are not men if you know what I mean. I must have a sign on my head that attracts loser :o(

    Thank you for your kind response. You are so right in that it is better to have one happy parent instead of two who are unhappy. I just thought I had got it right this time but sometimes people hide their true self until its too late and then your are sucked in. I guess I am strong in a way because I was not willing to put up with him and I knew by leaving I would become a single parent again. Still my children come first.

    This probably sounds silly but I have my 20 week scan next week and I am so nervous because I just feel like something will be wrong because my ex and his parents wish my baby dead. I keep having terrible nightmares!

    Well sorry for waffling on. Thanks again x

  • I'm sure everything will be fine. My dad wished very bad things on me too, and my grandparents (his parents) told my mum she should get an abortion. strangely enough they love me and I them so much now, sometimes things happen for a reason I guess. nightmares are awful, and if they are bad enough to worry you speak to your midwife because they do have people you can talk to who will tae your worries perfectly seriously, and help through any difficulties. Also I was bricking it for my 20 week scan to be honest and I didn't have the things you have to worry about. Think its natural until you see the baby moving. As soon as saw it already misbehaving knew everything would be fine. Hope the same is true for you. (Also waffle on all you want on here, we all do lol) x

  • I'm now having a wee panic because yesterday I went to the doctors and they gave me some anti-biotics for a urine infection and today I haven't felt baby move much. For the past few days I've felt little movements here and there but today nothing! I'm worried the anti-biotics have caused problems. x

  • I had antibiotics too earlier on for a kidney infection. similar thing less movement, but never no movement. Maybe just makes them sleepy like can make us? but if no movement at all today phone the midwife triage. All probably fine, maybe just moved in a position you can't feel BUT my midwife said if that happens phone them anyway. Don't wait, get checked out. Like I say, probably all is fine, but its better to get checked. It'll put your mind at ease x

  • You Are not a failure ur an inspiration for ur children. .. just cos u are trusting and believed someone that's not wrong but it's a lesson learnt... the older I get the less faith I have in men...u will be fine.. could u imagine the life u would of had if u had stayed with him! U probably would of lost everything then what life would u have been able to give ur children. .. great that ur parents are supportive and with the love of ur children that is all u need...u have done it before u can do it again all the best and well done for getting rid of bad rubbish x

  • Thanks Babymother, I too have lost my faith in men. Its amazing how awful they can be and how cold and calculated my ex was. Its funny because all the signs were there early on and he prayed on me being a single mother and thought that I'd be a walkover. Stupid man should have known I'd suss him out being in Finance! My mistake was trusting him and believing everything he said. When I think back to when I was with him it makes me shiver. I really am lucky to have come out of it still in tact. If he had his way my house would be sold and he would have taken the equity to pay back his friend who he owes £70k to. My parents find the relationship between him and his mate very strange and looking back now so do I. Anyway I won't waffle on about that! Thank you for the positive message. Everyone has been great and having independent people to talk to is very helpful because sometimes you do wonder if your parents are just protecting you and not really saying what they think. Although I've always been totally honest with my parents and they have always given me thier honest opinion even if sometimes it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

    Thank you again x

  • You are not a failure, please give yourself credit for having the strength to walk away & doing what is right for yourself & your children. You have done an amazing thing & you will be absolutely fine raising your children on your own. Please see this as a really positive first step & please don't be afraid to post anything on here as everyone is here to help each other x

  • Thanks Littlebean. The kind words from yourself and everyone have already given me strength and I do feel more positive. I can go home from work feeling much better today :o) x

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