Starting to get stressed and upset an aweful lot a the moment

In January and February this year i found out my partner jad lied about ringing a sex line and he finally admitted to doing so and he told me he wouldn't do it itthe only reason i knew about it was because he used my old mobile . He then told me on sat night he'd rang one again knowing this time i wouldn't find out. But hes admitting it because he was drunk. Since then ive felt negative and swamped by a bad feeling that if l kick off ill loose him, im 21 weeks and just found out were expecting a girl and now i dont know how to feel. Ive been having sleep less nights and loss of appetite. I know i should eat but i cant face it. Can anyone help. Thanks

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  • Hi

    I hate to ask you this question but do you think / or believe he may have / or is cheating on you ?

    It sounds as if he is upset about something & maybe finding it difficult to express his feelings

    The best advise i can give you is to not let this upset you too much & see what your partner's reaction will be.

    If he has any kind of love or deep feelings for you he will need to over-come this behaviour alone.

  • Hi there.

    Men are funny creatures at the best of time and personally I don't understand the attraction of such lines. However please take heart that he chose to talk to you about this and try to forgive him. Men don't express themselves very well sometimes but by opening up (with a bit of dutch courage) he has shown that he feels some sort of remorse for what he has done.

    Understandably this is causing some grief for you as you hadn't expected it, but please remember life will always be full of unexpected things. Firstly I suggest you two have a heart to heart about this topic and if you can get to the root of his need to do this.You need to be able to talk honestly about feelings and clearly set boundaries without getting over emotional. Once you've discussed and understood what drove him to do this you can think of ways to divert his attention and avoid this behaviour in the future

    At this point I'd like to remind you that pregnant is sexy (after all thats how we get this way!) and there is no reason that having a child should impair having a physical, loving relationship (unless Drs/ MW have specifically advised against this). Now its up to you to use your imagination and come up with a creative solution - perhaps he should phone you for a chat?!?

    Finally as the post above states if he really loves you he'll make the effort to get past this and change his behaviour, but you need to be working together on this and I know that's much easier said than done. A book you might like to read is 'men are from mars, women are from venus' its been around for a while but may help you. I hope things work out for you, Good luck x

  • Just to play devil's advocate here...is what he's done (besides the lying) really that bad? There's no physcial or even emotional connection between him and another woman. I can assure you that all there is on the other end of that phone is a bored woman reading from a script while also doing her nails or updating her CV or making her shopping list. So seen from that perspective, is it really any worse than looking at porn on the internet, which virtually all men do? I think you should sit down, have a heart to heart, and try to understand his point of view. I think men sometimes have it a bit hard when it comes to sexual fantasies. If we women want to fantasize about having sex with Brad Pitt, all we have to do is close our eyes and imagine it, and if we're caught in the act, well, no one can find out what we were really thinking about, right? Men, on the other hand, don't tend to have very vivid imaginations, so they look to the internet or whatever for a bit of help, then we walk in on them masturbating a freak out!

    Of course everyone has different boundaries, so if you hear him out and search your soul and find that his actually talking to a real woman on the phone hurts your feelings (or your bank account for that matter), then it has to stop. But try to find a compromise position, i.e. don't make literally everything the sex/porn industry has to offer off limits. Make it clear to him what is acceptable to you, and promise you're not going to ask him about it. After all, everyone has the right to a secret playful life in their own head that they don't tell anyone, even their partner, about. Masturbation is healthy, but feeling like your partner is exerting complete control over how your express your sexuality when you're alone in your own room isn't.

    And if you need a story that ruins chat lines for him, I've got one. Years ago I was chatting to a woman at a party who had worked for one of these sex lines for a couple months when she was new in town, while looking for a job in her chosen field. She said the woman on the staff who made, by far, the most money was 90 years old. She'd found her retirement savings insufficient for her support into her advanced old age and so had taken the job to help make ends meet, and loads of men called the hotline often and specifically requested her by name, because of her husky, sexy voice. I have no idea what mental image those men were getting when they called, but I'm guessing it wasn't that of a 90-year old widow with insufficient pension provision!

  • God men are so sad. I found out that my husband had been to a strip club with his mates on a stag do but I just laughed. There is no point getting upset about it as you know that they can't do or touch them so it is not as if he has cheated on you with someone else, it is just a little fantasy. As long as he keeps the snake in his cage and doesn't go messing about just laugh it off and tell him how sad you think it is. When he realises how pathetic it is he may stop.

  • Ive spoken to him before about it and he said its a bad habbit, he did the same with his ex, but the difference is we still had a good sex life till he told me, he promised to stop twice because i had and have self confidence issues which he knows and understands. Its just he expects me to be fine with it. I dont know what to do. He watches porn but that doesn't bother me because its not the same as ringing another woman to get pleasure.

  • Ive spoken to him before about it and he said its a bad habbit, he did the same with his ex, but the difference is we still had a good sex life till he told me, he promised to stop twice because i had and have self confidence issues which he knows and understands. Its just he expects me to be fine with it. I dont know what to do. He watches porn but that doesn't bother me because its not the same as ringing another woman to get pleasure.

  • Sounds like you two have some serious stuff you need to work out. However, it doesn't sound like all is lost. Please don't panic about your relationship issues just because you're pregnant. It's tempting to try to get everything "sorted" before the baby comes. There's a mad rush to get everything you need for the baby and the nursery all decorated, and it's tempting to also think that every issue between you and your partner needs sorting as well, but the fact of the matter is that relationships continue to be hard work for their entire duration. Maybe if you're feeling particularly stressed and hormonal you should take a breather before wading back in, but I'm sure with time you'll be able to make your partner understand how much these phone calls hurt you, especially if you can get him to make you understand why he does it, and perhaps what he could do instead.

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