Hi peeps, I posted around 2 months ago about the same thing.
My partner is really struggling with depression and still can't acknowledge the fact that he has ms, he was diagnosed 5 years ago this year.
I try absolutely everything in my power to help him and I learn about his condition and ways to help it etc almost every day, he still can't describe what he has as it's like he chooses not to take anything in.
It's such a struggle and our relationship is non existent. I set him up on here ages ago to chat to people as he has no friends or relatives to talk to apart from me and hes posted once to my knowledge. I set a healthy diet for us both and moderate exercise and we go out travelling all the time as he hates to be at home. We've lots of trips away booked to look forward to. We go out at least once a week for a drink and he trys to socialise.
He's very lucky as his ms has no effect on him at the moment apart from his speech so he is fly able to do absolutely everything but shows very little interest in anything.
It's heartbreaking to watch and it hurts me in ways he probably doesn't realise, I've tried to talk to him but nothing changes 😕 I know none of this is his fault but it's so exhausting. I don't have time to be unhappy or upset because I need to keep up the smiles and happy face for us both everyday.
He is on medication for his ms and depression, he's slightly better than he was but not really showing any signs of light at the end of the tunnel shall we say.
I so badly want to help him but I really think I've hit a brick wall. His argument is why bother, he seems to have given up on himself and me 😢 I guess you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved xx
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bandicoot1987
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Nope. This has been going on for 5 years, I've tried talking to him a million times, today included and I get no where. This is just my life now. Looking after someone who is struggling with depression. That's all there is to it. X
My heart aches for the both of you. MS, like any struggle, can put a real strain on relationships. I hate to see it "divide and conquer."
I commend you for pouring yourself into this relationship and working so hard at helping your partner, but I think you are right in thinking that you can't do it for anyone else if they aren't able or willing to contribute to their own well-being.
Since he is on an antidepressant, I'm assuming that he is also under the care of a psychiatrist. Is he getting any actual counseling? How long has he been on this antidepressant? Most take a few weeks or months to show signs of effectiveness, but it may be good to ask his doctor if this particular medication is truly helpful. There are so many antidepressants available, and it may take a few trials, or combinations of medications to find the right one(s) for him.
While he may seem to unaware of what you are doing or seem unappreciative, that can part of depression. Hopelessness takes over, and thinking is no longer truly rational, but based on emotion. He may feel that he is saving you by pushing you away out of concern for your future. His loss of self worth may make him feel that he doesn't deserve you or anything good. Once he gets to the other side of this, his behavior can change and reflect more of who he really is without the depression distorting and clouding everything.
My hope is that, with the proper antidepressants and good counseling, he can begin to feel better, and that you will be able to mend your relationship and build on the love you share. These are the hard parts of love, but I hope that you will get beyond this soon to reap the benefits. Please let us know how you both are doing.
He isn't having counselling no, he doesn't think it helps so he won't go. He has some questions about his ms too but won't contact his nurse to ask, says he'll wait until his next appointment in September and will just stay unhappy until then. He doesn't realise how unfair it is on me. But then that's nothing compared to how he must be feeling so I shouldn't really say that 😕 he's been on these tablets for over a year. Maybe he needs to try and change them, if he will. I can't get him to do anything. If I'm honest I feel more like a carer than his fiancé 😢 xx
His needs don't negate yours and vice versa. You are both hurting. I hope one of you informs his doctor about how poorly he is doing on his current meds and at least consider something else. You are in the role of caregiver, at least to some extent, given the situation. I hope he will take some responsibility for his depression and ask for a reevaluation of his meds and counseling with a different counselor.
This may not help, bandicoot1987, but when I realized that MS is a disease characterized by many, many losses in many, may areas of my life and the life of others, I sat upright in my chair and decided right then and there that as I lost one thing, I would make up for that loss by doing something else either similar to it or totally different. That moment of clarity did not totally dispel the depression but it surely helped as it gave me a ton of things to "do" to mitigate the differences MS had made in my life.
Immediately I made a mental list of what I can do, do well and don't do well, what I have always wanted to do (a sort of living bucket list) and if I ever really wanted to do things I don't do well.
Then I looked at what people who had supported me for doing and what they hadn't.
Finally, I acknowledged the losses of MS and how it impacted my life at that time and what I anticipated in the future. Of course, this part got sticky...self analysis is difficult for everyone if they are candid about it. I was not different.
I am not sure what I have said will help you and your love, but it may be a start. I think depression for us with MS is always involved with our admissions of loss. We gain nothing from this disease except maybe insight into ourselves and others. Certainly when I had RRMS the relapses were the grind and the recoveries were the joy. Now that I am clearly in secondary MS, there is much more grind and far less joy. My art is now a steadfast joy and being able to still read omnivorously is a joy. I am much more forgiving of myself when I find crud on an appliance. Looking at the universe and our world's place, looking at the world with its myriads of different peoples and cultures....that places me and my concerns in a better perspective.
It is a good thing to live in love of What Is and accept what we cannot control and move on. My art is better for it. Mentally I am better for it. My relationship is far better for it.
Please take care of YOURSELF! You will be no good to him if get ill because of the struggle you two are living with these past 5 years. I've been diagnosed for 10 years now and I still struggle especially with depression at times. Could be his MS different medications and how to accept this chronic terrible disease. He's afraid and we all go through it and have to find our way.
I'll pray for you Both! My love and take care please becky
My brother-in-iaw and his son have depression but not MS. They go through difficulties and it's tough for them - tough on his wife too. There are Depression Doctors apart from MS who have tried various meds on and off to see which one works. I have MS and take Citlopram (generic for Celexa) to take the edge off - at my dose level anyway. FYI.
I learned something a long time ago from a psychiatrist. If someone is under a constant stress/pressure, it can change the chemicals in the brain and they will get depression. I point this out meaning YOU! It can, and will, change your chemistry and cause you to have depression, if you don't already. I feel badly for both of you but as he won't help himself, make sure you take care of yourself. If there is something you want to do and he won't go, then you go yourself. Make sure you do things you enjoy, even if he won't take part.
It does get me down knowing I can't help him but I've learnt most of my life to bounce back quickly, life is far too short to drown in others self pity, there is only so much any "untrained professional" can do to help someone. I won't give up on him but I know when to step back to stop it effecting me in those ways.
Believe it or not I actually suffer with health anxiety, he may not realise how much of an effect its having on me also but in different ways.
Not alot of people are aware of it because I'm such an outgoing person but I have awful panic attacks. I must admit though you would never know it, I think I'm alot stronger really than I give myself credit for.
We have had a chat and made an appointment with the doctor next week so fingers crossed he'll finally get the help he needs and deserves xx
MS-related depression is a dark place. Most of us have struggled with this. I too was diagnosed five years ago. I was doing fine until two years ago when, out of the blue, I was no longer able to walk without assistance. Then I became depressed and suicidal. I climbed out of this. I am not a big believer in depression medication. He really needs to try a psychiatrist or go to some MS support group. What MS medication is he on? Depression might have been caused by it. If he has issues with speech, there is speech therapy. Has he tried that? I understand you have diet and exercise regimen. But what kind of diet and exercise? Do not give up on him.
We just do light walking and follow a standard healthy diet. We are contacting the doctors next week to talk about his medication and speech therapy xxx
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