I haven’t written in a while.
I went to inpatient therapy. I am able to talk to my mom, watch TV, and draw. I’m able to enjoy bits of life again.
Except, my OCD has moved into new places. The thing is, I can’t see it as OCD.
I’m having trouble with the toilet. I have this specific routine that keeps using up toilet paper and causing me stress. I keep trying to resist while I’m in there, but it’s so quite and intimate, that I think the thoughts I have are true.
I share a bathroom with my family. While I was in inpatient, I was trying to focus on OCDs that were making me not enjoy life and time with family. I’m able to do that now, but I didn’t focus on the bathroom routine.
It’s like how my mom said it. I’m doing good at fighting back my OCD, but it’s trying to find new ways to get back at me.
I spend like 10 minutes in the bathroom. But when I’m in there it feels like an eternity. And I’m always worried if I touched something while getting up from the toilet, if I left DNA on there, etc.
It’s not that I’m afraid of germs. It’s a combo of incest and contamination OCD. My family and I share a bathroom so I always wipe before and after I use the toilet. But it’s this complicated routine that I worry DNA is falling from my arm when I’m wiping, if where the toilet paper of where I grabbed it touched the rim, etc.
I did do better the other day once, which I think caused my OCD to flare up along with my period.
I meet my therapist in the 21st of June. I’m trying to make it until then, but I’m so scared of doing an exposure and my therapist is like “haha nope you did something incestual!” Or is like “you are disgusting!”
I tried a pros and cons list. I tried a timer. All didn’t work.
Had anyone had this OCD? If not, let me know.