I'm feeling really bad about something I did when I was 14. It was completely out of character and I wish I never did it, the guilt, anxiety, anger and shame is tearing me up. I can't look in the mirror even and feel any peace. A few months ago I started remembering the event and recalled a detail that I had basically forgot for the last 9 years. I actually felt bad about what I did 6 months after it happened and confessed to a person thru an online helpline and felt relief but I did not disclose all the details as I felt ashamed. Over the years I had completely forgotten about it and my life was normal, I started new things and am just trying to help my parents out as they are approaching retirement. They are the only reason I'm able to pull through.
So i was at my grandmother's along with my family. We were there for over a month. My grandma's cleaner had a baby. I was always normal and played with the baby just like anyone would. However one day I acted out a sexual behaviour BUT i WAS NOT aroused, nor did I kiss/grope or do anythig of that sort. I was caressing the baby, best way to put it is say when a dog sniffs thru stuff and I think (not sure) I was making some eye contact sexually but obviously fakely as I don't remember being turned on. I was not fantasizing anything either. Maybe I'm adding some details to the memory and am suffering from false memory OCD, but some of the things I mentioned did happen. I think I was bored and just thought oh I'm just gonna act this out. It's not like I was attracted to the baby or something, All the other days were normal and I didn't do this. I didn't even do this the next day. The interaction was only 1-2 minutes. But it's come back to haunt me and now I don't think I can be happy ever again. Please note I am ONLY attracted to women, always have been as I started watching porn from an early age. I've even had a sexual experience with a girl my age when I was around 9-10 years old. I haven't had a relationship yet but have had good dates with women too. Also, I have a younger sibling and never did anything like that on them growing up. I'm quite confused as to why Iacted like that on that day.
I'm trying my best not to ruminate as much as I know it will be almost impossible to remember every detail in the correct sequence, but the uncertainty is driving me crazy. Sometimes I can delay it for a couple of days or weeks but eventually I just have to. I've been trying ERP just like with the other subtypes but this one is by far the hardest battle. If time travel was a thing I'd go back and stop myself from doing what I did in a jippy. The idea of suicide has popped up, but I'm scared of going to hell forever as suicide is a big sin in my religion. I am trying to look for a therapist but its challenging during the pandemic. If you have any advice for me it would mean the world, I know I'm not a bad person, I wish I could just lose this memory so I can live a normal life.