Trigger warning Scrupulosity OCD

[molypo123]

Anyone else have scrupulosity? I’m 39 and barely getting help within this past year. I was diagnosed 2 years ago but I was in denial because I thought something was wrong with me spiritually so I would be up for hours praying and praying. Sleep is supposed to be amazing but right before bedtime I hear intrusive thoughts it’s the worst. There have been times I get little to no rest.

***Trigger ***

My OCD is to reject Christ and blasphemy. It started when I was 15 and again I really thought I was demon possessed. The thoughts feel so real, like yup this time I’m going to burn in hell. I used to not have any compulsions physically. But now I rub my fingers together if a thought comes in. And I’ll pray excessively for Christ not to leave me. It’s been so tormenting. Bedtime is always the worst.

However I’m taking Lexapro and it’s working! I never have taken medications until March. Crazy that I have gone on this long without taking anything. I guess I thought I could do this out taking medications. I was so wrong, I can actually deal with the thoughts now. I’m in therapy. I went to the OCD conference recently. And found Ted Witzig he goes on to say to have faith because feelings are not facts. I’m always searching for the “what if I committed the unpardonable sin, what if I hated Jesus? What if I hate God and left him? I can only go forward and trust that God knows my heart. It’s so freaking scary. I feel like I’m on this roller coaster and instead of closing my eyes and grabbing the bar, I just have to keep my eyes open and arms up. It’s scary for me.

Thanks for listening.

Moni

[MothFir]

Glad the Lexapro is helping! I hope the therapy helps too. I'm 46 and this year I am visiting a therapist for the first time. I don't deal with scrupulosity much anymore but it was my main issue from about age 10 to 30 or so. My OCD has moved on to other things, but it still tries to mess with my spirituality at times.

ERP has been working well for a lot of my OCD issues, but you are right, it is scary stuff. Resisting compulsions often feels like we're going against all our instincts, but of course our "instincts" can't be trusted when OCD is controlling them. It does get easier with time, and eventually your intrusive thoughts should quiet down. But stay alert because the OCD will fight back and try to return in another form, like a monster in a movie sequel.

Thanks for the link for Ted Witzig's site. I'll have to check it out. We are fortunate to have so many resources these days (much better than, say, 1986, when I was a kid wondering what on earth was wrong with me!).

[molypo123 in reply to MothFir]

So agreed there is a lot more resources! I appreciate your reply. I agree, OCD is such a liar. My ocd does attack my relationship with my husband too. But I’m not as afraid and for some reason, I can just push these thoughts away.

[sligoguy]

ok im.trying to simplify it but .here is the deal ...its a ha bit that is forming .and it is the dont think of the pink fluffy elephant ...of course you will think of it that is a normal human thing ....your pink fluffy elephant is religion and ages and thoughts of blasphemy.and each time you have vivid or really horrible one ....the next one tries to put do that one .....believe me when I say it is a mind game ..nothing in this world to do with God or you its an ocd thing .so from now on just say yep here is another one and I promise you they will lose the intensity and grip ....keep saying ocd not me

[molypo123 in reply to sligoguy]

so agreed, thank you!

[Hidden]

Moni, I have lived with OCD since childhood. My father had it as well. I have gone thought just about every stage and type of OCD but my core issue is Pure O and Scrupulosity. What you are describing is pretty much spot on for what I've had as well. Learning to be at peace with your thoughts (mindfulness) will help immensely. Anything you resist only becomes stronger.

Learn as much as you can as this helps you to understand it's not just you and can provide comfort during difficult times. Do not lose hope and do not give up on your faith.

Good luck.

[DeathtoOCD]

I am glad that you are working to get better, it is totally worth it. I have dealt with scrupulosity, and yeah, it can be scary, really scary. It hard to think about, but as scary as it is to you, consider that that same amount of fear can affects somebody who has contamination or checking fears, and when you think about that you, why would you be scared of that. Each person experiences it in a different way. But it does change the way you think going through ERP, and might give you a different view of religion, it might not seem like it, but I think that though we suffer badly from it, if you learn from it it can also be a blessing, giving you a unique perspective on life that other people will not know. And I also would have trouble at night as well, it was one of the scariest times for me actually.