obsessive thoughts about incest driving me insane

I have a lot of irrational compulsions that don't actually have a connection to what I'm trying to prove by doing these compulsions. So I had a thought that was like "I wouldn't be surprised if I looked at my sister, to have a groinal response, as a compulsion to prove I'm attracted to girls" since I have an obsession about my sexuality. My point in the thought was supposed to be that I do a lot of irrational things because of my obsessions (that actually have zero meaning), but then I started feeling a ton of guilt for thinking that I wouldn't be surprised if I did something like that. I'm not attracted to my sister (I feel sick to my stomach thinking about my sister in that way), but i was thinking that, that might be something i'd do as an irrational compulsion. (I wasn't planning to do this, this is something I would hate myself if I did do). The reason that this thought arised was because I was afraid I did do it (I didn't, I just over analyze everything I do) and I just feel so horrible for seeing that as something I might do, and even feeling okay with that for a second. Any tips on how I can cope with this?

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+ now that I've ruminated over it so much I know that is something I'd never do, but for a second after I thought I did do that, I was thinking I wouldn't be surprised if did act out in an irrational way because of my obessions, and felt surprisingly at peace with that thought and that is what is so disturbing about it.

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+ typing that all out has made me feel even more horrible and I'm crying about it now, I really need help but my mom has not gotten therapy for me yet. also I'm afraid they wouldn't understand what I was saying because some of my obsessions are so complicated and are very difficult to put into words. I think the reason it's gotten so complicated is because I've had this for years and it just keeps getting worse and worse, it's really too bad I didn't get therapy 3-4 years ago when it began happening, but there's nothing I can do about that now.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Samantha - It sounds like you really do need help dealing with this. Can you help your mom to understand how much torment this is causing you? There is medication and/or therapy out there for you. I said a prayer for you. I wish you the best.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the prayer, that's very kind of you. I do really need help dealing with this, but it's difficult to express how much torment it causes me, but she knows that I'm not doing well. A few days ago she heard me crying in my room and she gave me a hug and asked me what's wrong and I tried my best to explain to her why I wasn't feeling good. She tried her best to comfort me, and we've talked about me having a therapist soon. So I hope that ends up actually happening.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Samantha - It sounds like you have a very compassionate mother. People who actually have OCD understand your torment and how urgently you need someone who can help you through this. Almost all of us take some type of medication to help us with our OCD also. Don't feel like you're alone in this, as we adults have a hard time with OCD too.

[Starflowerr]

Have you gotten treatment for this obsession?

I struggle with fears that I was being sexual towards religious objects with my body somehow or when I pray I get scared that I'm being sexual somehow with my body or with my thoughts or the way I place my hands. I'll start noticing sexual body parts when I'm praying and worry about it.

But, please let me know if you have gotten treatment for your obsessions and compulsions.