To understand my question you will first have to understand my story.
I have never been close to my siblings because of the way they treated our parents and how my parents care was left to me with no help from the others.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009 and had a double mastectomy on my birthday. While I was waiting to go to theatre I was sure one of them would call to wish me luck, or even happy birthday but I never received a call.
A few days later I got a call from my mother’s other child (I won’t call her my sister) to remind me to send a birthday card to her daughter. I was frozen with anger at the cheek. I asked her why she thought it was okay to call me about this and not to call to see if I was okay or offer any support? I will never forget her answer. She told me “Why should I call, your just a self pitying bitch”. I just hung up the phone but that call has stayed in my mind for the last 10 years.
I remember that my husband had had surgery on his foot shortly before my surgery never knowing that I would have to have surgery myself. I was sent home with drains from both wounds and my poor husband was hobbling around on crutches but we still had to look after my mum because none of the others would, they just expected us to manage.
I have 3 siblings and not one of them asks how I am, how my treatment is going, nothing. If I didn’t have my husband and my best friend I don’t know how I would get through each day. It is incredibly painful not to have any support from my so called family. I really think I got the short straw when it came to siblings.
Does anybody else manage without support from family? I sincerely hope none of you have experienced what I have.
Thanks for the shoulder to cry on
Jill
Xxxx
Written by
jillydabrat
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Hi Jill, there is a saying “what goes round, comes round” and although I’m not usually a nasty person, I would say your siblings deserve all they get bad in life! Please try to rise above them and remember you have “family” on this forum as well as your lovely husband.
Don’t waste your energy worrying about what they say or don’t say. Unfortunately we can’t pick our relatives but we can choose our friends. I know it is really difficult to forget nasty words but they are from nasty people who don’t deserve your friendship, loyalty or any kind of relationship. I would keep sending birthday cards to your nieces/nephews as you do just now, just to show them how relatives should behave to one another and that you are not going to sink to their level!
Sorry Jill, I meant to add - I was lucky I only had a nasty, interfering mother in law and work colleague to cope with and I eventually got round to not being upset by their comments or actions and rose above them which I was proud of myself for doing.
thanks Aimee, I do thank God every day that I am not, or ever could be, so nasty to anyone, not just family. I do wonder what has happened in their lives to make them so evil. I have looked after my parents, now just my mum, all of my adult life (I will be 58 in October). Mum lived with us for 13 years before she had a stroke and had to go into residential care. It broke my heart to see her go and every time I passed her bedroom I felt I had lost my baby. I now know that my siblings would never have done what I, or should I say we, do. My mum thinks more of my husband than she does her own son.
I know I can turn to everyone on here and I will be forever grateful xx
Oh Jilly, so sorry to hear that you have such an uncaring family, as the saying goes you can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends, and in your case this is so true. But your friends here at MPN are all here for you no matter what, and even a shoulder to cry on.
You have truly been through a lot, and do not deserve to be treated like that, who needs sisters like that, I am a twin and fortunately so very close to my other half, I also have an older sister who I did not speak to for many years until her husband died last year, she also is wrapped up in her own world, I always remember her children’s birthdays and her grandchildren, but does she ever remember my daughter or grandkids, NO, does not even ask me how I am doing, even though like you, although not so bad have had lots of hospital visits and still more to come, sometimes I forget she is my sister, if it were not for my lovely twin she is alway there for me no matter what, she shares my pain as I share hers.
So I know it’s hard but I would distance yourself from her for your own peace of mind, I am sure you have friends who care, and a lovely hubby who sounds as if no matter what is always there for you, and that my friend is what love us all about.
Must admit my husband is precious and I am so very, very lucky to have him.
I am happier when I distance myself away from my siblings but I would just love to know what happened, or what did I do for them to be so uncaring and downright nasty. Guess I will never know. I just don't know of any other families like mine. My hubby says they are jealous of the close relationship I have with my mum but they should consider that I have put in a lot of years and a lot of effort into that relationship. You can't demand respect and love when you don't offer it.
One thing that gets me by is that I am happy, content and I have my soulmate by my side every day
I am with Aimie and Jean,been thru long years of uncaring,cheating family members........learned to distance myself,have my superb husband and beautiful caring daughter....forget them Jilly ,life is too short to dwell on how rude they are to you.Very Best Wishes ,Sally
I have been blessed to have wonderful, supportive and caring siblings and extended family. I do not know how I would have made it without them through all I have been through in the last couple of years with the progression to PV, brain surgery, heart surgery, Green Laser PVP, etc. etc. I also have wonderful and supportive friends and a fabulous faith community. With the support from the caring MPN family in this forum, I am blessed many times over.
It saddens me to hear that your own family treats you in such a shabby fashion. You deserve better. It sounds to me like their behavior is a reflection on their own character, or the lack thereof. Sometimes people choose a course in life that does not include treating their own family with love or even basic decency. It is hard to say what leads to such uncaring selfishness. I did have one similar relative, my step-mother who grew up surrounded by abuse. Thus, she treated everyone around her abusively. As a result, she ended her days miserably - with little in the way of real love to support her at the end. We reap what we sow.
Regarding how to cope with such a difficult and painful situation, all I can suggest is what works for me in facing life's challenges. I start every day with the Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
The other suggestion I would have is to never ever forget that you deserve to feel loved. The people who deserve to have you in their lives will always recognize this core truth and love will pervade their relationship with you.
I will leave you with this piece of music, that is one of my favorites and speaks to what it is that you truly deserve. All the best from your MPN Brother.
Agree with the others, we need to eliminate toxic relationships even if it is family. Keep contacting your nieces & nephews.
Perhaps a couple of counseling sessions may help to dampen the anger & frustration you are harbouring from what you've been through. We cannot change these types of people & the most difficult part is not being able to fathom how people can be like this, absolutely mind blowing!
That’s truly awful, Jill. I feel so sad for you. You sound like a very kind person and no one deserves to be treated like that. My advice would be to focus on the people who love you and try not to let them get to you. Life is too short.
Hi Jill, I am lucky in that I am part of a large caring family who are all there for each other, and your post really shocked me. I am amazed that so called family could be so selfish and uncaring. They don’t deserve to have you as a sister and I hope you can bring yourself to cut them out of your life completely. You have had so much to cope with and deserve better. You really should be proud of what you have done for your parents.
I am so touched by the lovely responses I have received from everyone. I really feel that I have a family on this site and every problem I have ever had had been eased when I have spoken to my MPN family. I now know I don’t need my siblings and I certainly don’t need to be the punching bag for them. One sister contacted me to try and start again but it was on her terms and not sincere at all. My hubby begged me not to get back into it with them again because he knew I would get hurt and he was right. Up until I decided enough was enough my mood had darkened and I was walking on eggshells. I wrote to my siblings and told them I was happier on my own and since none of them had ever been kind enough to offer me any support I didn’t need them and wouldn’t miss them. My hubby was amazed at the difference in my mood once I cut myself off. I truly feel like it was the right thing to do, but I still find it hard to understand.
Thanks again for the lovely comments, you will never know how much it has helped. Love you guys xxx
I haven't spoken to my only sibling since our mother died and left everything to her. I have 5 children. I don't think they all fully understand what I am going through, although the 2 eldest have helped me the most I still don't think they realise how lacking in energy pv makes you.
Hi Jilly, I'm so very sorry to read your disturbing story of the way your siblings have treated you. It's so sad that people can behave in such a heartless way, especially family. Try to blot out the hurtful words and carry on without them. So glad you have your loving caring husband and your Mum. I would echo what Hunter has said and the Prayer of St. Francis of Assissi.
EI too had breast cancer just over a year ago, having had a Lumpectomy and radiotherapy and am grateful to have a loving ,caring husband, sons, sister and family. My heart goes out to you. Thank the Lord for your lovely husband and Mum. Carry on, putting hurt behind you. Hugs, Fran xxxx
Hi Jilly, just want to send you a big hug and kisses, and just wish I lived near enough to pop round for a cuppa, but we are all here for you, your MPN family. Maz x x x
Thanks for the lovely comments Maz, it would be so lovely to have a cuppa and a sneaky piece of cake lol. For those who have read my post but haven't replied, I sincerely hope you can feel the love from everybody and I hope you will open up to the family on here regarding anything concerning you as you can see how much people care. I have been blown away by the responses and my faith has been restored in people. You are all angels in disguise xx
Dear Jill, not read any other replies, but just want to add this....that my heart goes out to you, you always seem to get the short straw and reading all you have written, it is not surprising you feel so let down and abandoned, having no support from siblings....I regretfully decided, some years ago, that it never works out if we expect love from those who are unable to give love...and when we accept this sad fact, it somehow makes it easier....but it is always painful, if we are honest. Talking of honesty, yours shines out and just so sad and sorry you have had such a really tough time and with so little support. Sending you love and hugs and sympathy, Tinkerbell
Sorry to hear what you have been through but happy to know you found this forum. You will get understanding and support here. I am not the best family member myself but I know this and am really dedicating time and effort into being a more caring sister, daughter, aunt and mother. I think I am pretty nice to my husband though! Your post really inspired me to do so much more of those little caring things, you never know how much they are appreciated. Happy to have you in the family too. Best wishes. Pauline
Thanks so much Polly. If my post has made anyone look at how they treat other people and make them think of what they can do to help then I am happy I posted. We all have our own little lives to worry about but I have gone by one policy for years. I always try and do one act of kindness a day, it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture but instead of a thank you I always ask that the recipient also does an act of kindness in return. Wouldn’t it be a great world if everybody done that? I hope you become the person any family member can turn to, even if it’s just to listen about their day. Take care.
Hi Jilly. I was so sorry to read about your sisters causing you hurt and disappointment . I really understand how you feel ,(sorry felt, past tense now...)
I had a similar situation with my half sister. I Never knew , still don’t know what I had done or said to her to bring about her not speaking or communicating with me. So I know what it feels like , firstly unfair because you know you don’t deserve it, but it hurts and most of all it’s a rejection of you. It caused me pain and I shed lots of tears. But eventually I came to the conclusion it was HER loss. Not mine, I have wonderful friends and family that I love so much ,and know they love me. Now I know she doesn’t want me in her life, I can get on with mine without her.( Difficult she lives 300 yards away from me) truthfully I now know where I am . I hope you do too now.
Love the ones who love you,
I was bought to tears reading the responses to you , the love and care that comes from the incredible people on this forum is just overwhelming . I just would love us to meet up in a great big room so we could just give them all a huge hug. So who needs indifference and rejection when we have this care a genuine love.
Lots of love Jilly from another of your forum friends . Sandy xx
If had a similar life to yours. I have always been close to my mum and dad. So when I became an adult I carried on my relation with my parents, becoming friends with them, we had holidays together with my husband and 2 children. When we moved away, my mum and dad came to stay every summer. My mum passed over 10 yrs ago, but my dad who is 91 still comes to stay. We have worked hard over the years to have a fulfilling relationship. My siblings, I had 5 never bothered and still don't. They live close to my dad, we live 200 miles away and we see more of him than they do, some havn't visited for over a year or so, to busy apparently. So I made a descision a long time ago, to not get tangle up in what ifs and why nots with them. It is there loss, like you I have a loving husband and children and have had the greatest pleasure of having an adult relationship with my mum and dad. Our children, all grown up now have a similar relationship with us. These things take work, love and time, but as you are aware it is worth it. Surround yourself with loved ones. 🤗🤗
Hi Jilly. So sorry to hear this and can empathise. I had to learn that some people just can’t be there for you - I stopped taking it personally when I realised it was more about them and their own battles. It sounds like you have good support and love from immediate friends and family and there is always your fellow e-family to reach out to. Take care. Jacquie x
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