The dreaded “do you want children?” Question

[PinkSalhia]

Hello,

I’m in my mid 30s and I’m frequently asked if I have children and if I want them. I’ve recently started a new job and so everyone I meet is asking me this.

I find whatever I say leads to more questions and so have settled on the reply “we did, unfortunately it didn’t work out that way”.

this seems to generate odd responses: “well do you have any nieces or nephews”, “you can have one of mine”

It also makes it very awkward for the person who asked the question to hear my response.

What do you say when you’re asked this?

[Freedom_Unity_Love Volunteer]

Dear friend,

It really is your call as to what you choose to say to others when asked this question. The truth of the situation, of course, cannot be wished away, but you do not have to get into specifics with people you do not know well, or do not wish to share with.

I chose a different story for myself, and would tell those who asked, (with a smile on my face) 'it's none of your business...' - (that generally stopped any further questioning), or I would say 'I do not want to have children..' The comments from that statement, I found easier to respond to, rather than being asked, why I couldn't have children.

The decision made was to re-brand my identity from being in a victim mindset, because of my health condition and resulting infertility, to a victor mindset, so that I could create a compelling future. The story I told myself every day had to become one that no longer caused suffering to myself, or others.

May you find peace in your story, and may you be at ease around others whomever they may be, or however they behave.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a wonderful guide to find peace internally and externally.

With love, K

[PinkSalhia in reply to Freedom_Unity_Love]

thank you for your reply and sharing how you approach this. The victor mindset is very interesting. I think I must meet very nosey people as I’ve always encountered follow up questions if I say I don’t want children, which of course leads to none of your business potentially being a better option, said with a grin as you say to soften.

Difficult one! Thanks again for your reply and support

[Freedom_Unity_Love Volunteer in reply to PinkSalhia]

We're curious creatures, and can often find the same in ourselves on other issues or topics..

Not taking curiosity, or however you choose to label it, as a personal slight against you, helps to neutralise the feelings around the question.

We only know what we know, and if that person who is asking the question, has no experience of having a topic that is emotional to them, discussed in a manner they are not comfortable with, we can choose to offer them compassion and generosity of spirit.

The more we are faced with these situations and make a choice that 'feels good' for ourselves, the more we build the resilience 'muscle', and the easier it becomes to be in the situation and not be affected by it. It takes practise, but it is possible.

I send you strength, compassion and love.

Best wishes, K

[Hidden]

Thank you for sharing. It takes courage to post. That question is dreaded. It's so uncomfortable..then the continuing to probe. Although not intended to harm, that question comes from a place of insensitivity to the potential suffering of others. It is possible to deflect it's harm away from you. The reply from Freedom_Unity_Love in terms of finding something that works for you and helps you stay within your power is helpful.

Society is parentonormative, and the questions seem to come with a sense of entitlement to have that very private and personal information. We are not taught to hold in mind that the story of others is theirs, to reveal when conditions are right.

It demonstrates a lack of awareness and compassion that questions would continue to probe out information to satisfy their interest, not out of care for you.

It is indeed none of their business, and a fleeting moment of discomfort on their part at being told that should hopefully support them with future learning and help protect you. If people reject you for not sharing private stories at their request, they aren't people you want in your life.

Sending love. Xx

[PinkSalhia in reply to Hidden]

thank you for your reply and kind words. There is definitely a lack of awareness with most people and many don’t see it as a personal question.

Thanks for your support x

[hertsmeets Volunteer]

I hate 'the question' too! I think I've just learnt to say 'no' with an upturned voice as though it's normal to say no I don't have kids. I then try quickly to ask them a question about something that moves the topic away from children if possible. I have had the odd follow up question about 'why didn't you adopt' - I just say 'it wasn't for me'. But now I have more awareness if I'm brave enough I might say 'there's a lot of mis-information about adoption and it's often really about dealing with children who have trauma. It's more of a calling for people who want to take that on, not as a fix-it for the childless people in the world.'!

There's a really good article by Kate Kauffman (childless not by choice) who writes regularly in Psychology Today, about 'the question' - worth a read (and perhaps send to anyone who asks the question!! : psychologytoday.com/intl/bl...

[PinkSalhia in reply to hertsmeets]

thank you for sharing and for the article, really useful and will definitely help xx