Hi, new here

[fingerscrossedX]

Hello, I’ve just found this group with some relief but the posts are a few months old. Is anyone else starting the process of coming to terms with failed treatment ? Or might there be meetings or webinars upcoming ?

Many thanks

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse More To Life]

Hi fingers crossed. Keep am eye on the website too for anything going on. . If you click on this link it will take you to the “More to Life” section of the charity fertilitynetworkuk.org/life... Keep an eye on th Home Page at the bottom, as it lists special events and there might be something there too. Good luck! Diane

[MinMin]

Hi, sorry for slow reply, I remember myself finding this Web page with relief finally realising there might be other people who understand. I barely communicated with anyone about my fertility treatment and IVF, even with my husband! It's a few years ago now and so a little less raw but an ongoing grief. That's the thing I didn't realise until joining support groups, is that it's a real grief, and should be treated as such.If you'd like, there's the More to Life Facebook page and they have a closed MTL group that you can request to join. There's a completely different support group you can Google called 'Gateway Women'. It's a lot more active than this group but much of it you might have to pay for.

Take care J x

[fingerscrossedX in reply to MinMin]

Thanks for replying. I have dropped that facebook group a message and yet to hear back, but hopefully soon. I'll look up Gateway Woman. The ongoing grief years on is quite a despairing thought, but of course no grief goes away. Do you mind me asking how you began to approach the rest of your life, did you make big changes, plans etc? Was there any one thing that you remember helped? It's a very odd sensation to have ploughed everything into this one aim for years, and reach a point where it all feels rather blank. I don't think the pandemic has helped, but it really feels work and social side of life have both shrunk down dramatically - part had to to cope with the treatment. And I don't think I know any women who either haven't got children, or are planning to have them in the future! I do hope you are doing well now. Thanks again for replying.

[MinMin in reply to fingerscrossedX]

I wish I had a magic answer but for me it was just time that helped. My career suffered as a result of my depression and I became withdrawn from friends as no-one understood. I've had a lot of counselling and this helps to process things and develop coping strategies. I felt a total failure and believed everyone else must think that too - but they don't. It's about realising you are enough, just as you are. I know you expect that if you don't have kids you have to go on and excel at something else to compensate, but I don't know anyone who's actually done that. I've found it more the case where people who never wanted kids have done a lot. But for those who wanted this and have been through the trauma of failed treatment- many of us just take one day at a time. I just tried to remember what I enjoyed...walks, crafts, singing and time with my family. I've joined a craft group through Gateway Women and we meet once a month and just be creative, drink tea and eat biscuits. We rarely discuss the fertility side of things but it's just nice to be in a safe space where we share that element. It's different for everyone so you'll no doubt find your own way. I'm better than I was but I won't pretend the underlying pain or the wondering 'what if' and 'what could have been' totally goes away. It still felt like I'd been kicked in the gut when my brother and his wife announced their baby in November but I noticed my recovery time was a lot quicker now than 10 years ago. Sorry if I sound depressing, just trying to be honest. I would strongly recommend counselling though if it's not something you've already tried xx

[fingerscrossedX in reply to MinMin]

No, you have to be honest. I completely recognise all those feelings, absolutely. The depression and work has been the same for me. I think as you say, just being with other women/couples in the same boat, even if not specifically talking about it (because that can be draining!), would be reassuring. I will look at Gateway. Can I ask what part of the country you/the craft group is in? I'm SE London based. I think finding something like that either now or maybe soonish, might be helpful. I've had counselling on and off, yet to find someone who completely hits the spot. Would you recommend yours specifically for this situation? I'm glad to hear your brother's news came a little easier. My brother in law has just had a baby and I'm not sure I shall be meeting it for a while!!

[Rossi_fan]

Hi, this is the first time I have ever posted on here but your question about did you make big changes really spoke to me. I don’t think I realised how much I have changed until reflecting. I had always planned to have children and take a career break for at least 5 years and then look to go back part time. That was my plan, I never considered children would not be an option. So when I realised that was not going to happen I just found myself feeling so unbelievably sad. In the end I realised I could not bare the thought of being unhappy forever and so decided although it may look different I need to find a new happy.

I felt the only option given to me was to focus on my career but I knew I did not want that to be the most important thing in my life. So I mapped out what made me happy and thought of ways to do more of that.

The thing that has absolutely made the biggest positive impact in my life was that I got a dog! It helped my maternal need and also my health (I have lost 2 stone in the 3 years we have had him), I also changed my job to something that I enjoy more, moved towns to be closer to my parents as I love spending time with them, I also vowed to go on more holidays abroad, spend more time with my niece and nephew and nights out with friends as these are things that would of been harder if I had children (Covid has kind of got in the way with those!)

I am not going to say I never feel the sadness but it is not crippling as it used to be and a lot less often. I really worked on changing my mindset and appreciating what I do have and not what is missing but it was not easy.

Hopefully this is helpful x

[fingerscrossedX in reply to Rossi_fan]

Thank you, that is really helpful and very much strikes a chord. I’m going to need to do the same. Getting a dog, moving closer to my niece and nephew, all things I have pondered but it’s very early days yet. Job wise I was so ready for a break and change after years of putting so much into it, and children seemed a justifiable way to enforce I do that - a socially acceptable way of saying I’d go part time or do something else - but without that it feels less acceptable to reduce hours or take a risk and do something new. Lots to think on but thanks so much, and I’m glad things have got easier for you. It sounds a lovely life.

[Rossi_fan]

Do you know what you are right I have a beautiful life and I am so grateful that I get to call it mine, which is not something I could of imagined feeling 7 years ago when I started on my journey to my new happy.

We are certainly being challenged at the moment as my husband has just been diagnosed with bladder cancer and will start his treatment soon but life has certainly taught me you never know what will happen and it is another path we will go down together.

It was not a quick thing for me at all so understand how you may be feeling but I do appreciate everyone is different but all of the things you talk about seem a great way to be moving to a more positive feeling life.

I am always happy to chat if it helps x

[fingerscrossedX in reply to Rossi_fan]

Thanks very much. So sorry to hear about your husband’s diagnosis and really hope there is a positive development on that front soon.