Will my heart ever mend?

[caz0606]

After 10 years of trying to conceive, in December 2017 we have had the news that due to fibroids it will be impossible. I have been trying to move on, I work with children and babies and get asked daily if I have any of my own. Over the weekend I had 2 people very close to me tell me there were expecting - my heart just sinks to my stomach. I spent all last night feeling so alone, my hubby doesn't know how to cope himself so we just sit there in silence. I really am not sure how much longer I can keep going. Family means so much to me, I need them around me a lot of the time and yet I will never have on of my own. I spend last night debating my life and was the pain worth it.......I just typing this into the abyss to ask someone....anyone ...does it ever get any easier...do you ever really get over being childless, will my heart ever mend to what it was before our fertility journey?

I just feel a loss right now

[MinMin]

Hi Caz0606,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I can promise you than on this group there are lots of people who understand those feelings and so take heart that despite how it feels, you are not alone.

Everyone will be different, but I don't think my heart will ever be fixed since the childlessness reality came about. It doesn't stay as broken as when our IVF first failed though. I guess everyone's heart changes over years though?

Our infertility was not explained so in theory I may still have a slim slim chance, however my marriage has really gone to pot since the failed IVF pain 2 years ago in june and we are now in separate rooms and have been for months!

All I can suggest right now is to look after yourself and your husband. Be patient that this type of healing may take years and come in waves. Also, if you haven't already you should both get some councelling. My husband never did and has just drank more and more! I have had both private and NHS counselling and both have kept me afloat by listening when no one else understood or took the time.

Take care for now xxx

[Sammylou51]

Hi caz0606

My story is very similar to you. Years of trying, IVF, 4 ops to remove fibroids. Still no children and so had a hysterectomy in February just gone. I’m also a nursery nurse and work with the health visiting team. So see babies, children and pregnant women everyday.

I don’t think you ever completely get over it but I think you learn to manage it and the good days get more frequent and the bad days less. I’m just back to work yesterday after 3 months off and I’m struggling but I know it will get easier and if it doesn’t I will look to change jobs

Sorry if this doesn’t sound very positive but I will tell you the things I have found to help. Me and my partner went to a few counselling sessions together, which helped us both I also had some extra counselling on my own.

This forum has been great and I supported a petition with another lovely lady on here, which helped give me something to focus on. Talking to people who have been through a similar situation and understand really helped me.

Time is another good thing take time to grieve, be kind to yourself. I sat at home n watched tv, went for walks, met with friends or family, anything that made me feel safe and supported. Also my GP has been an amazing support. She was really understanding and signed me off work till I felt stronger.

I’ve just downloaded a book by Jody Day called Plan B, as I want to look forward now and feel it’s good to have a new plan. Although for you do take your time and please shout if I can be of anymore help. Or drop me an email if you prefer.

My email [e-mail]

Hoping you find some comfort soon. Xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Caz,

my heart literally broke when i read the title to your post. I am so glad that you have found this site, as you are with friends who understand your pain and grief. And would love to give you a hug right now x

It took me along time to realise that what i was experiencing was ...grief. And a complicated grief as it stays with us and is not obvious or understood by people around us. But it does change with time, it will always hurt, but the wound becomes less deep and raw.

Recently I read ''In the UK 1 in 7 couples struggle with infertility & its devastating effects. The impact of failing to conceive leaves 90 per cent of respondents feeling depressed & 42 per feeling suicidal''

Those are shocking stats and makes me feel really upset there is not nearly enough support out there to help us navigate this really hard path. But its a normal response to the devastating repercussions of infertility and the end to dreams to having a family.

Like the other ladies have mentioned- counselling really helps, meeting up with your local fertility network volunteers or people from gateway women. Read books that will fire you onto a new outlook..check out Jody Day/ Jessica Hepburn. Build yourself an army of support for you and your partner.

I discovered through our experience with infertility that myself and my husband grieve in very different ways. I talk and found counselling really helpful. But my other half just buried it and the stress of it came out in ill health and anxiety. Grief is a way of your body coping but as Jody Day says in her book...'you have to do your grief work'. Learning from incredible ladies like her who are several strides ahead of us really helps.

Sending you lots of love xxx

[Eunicelove]

Hi i feel your pain. I had a hysterectomy two years ago after my uterus ruptured and I lost our first child. It has also not been easy for me. I too had two of my friends announce to me just recently that they were expecting. It just broke my heart that I will never experience that too again. The feeling doesnt completely go away but with God in our lives his presence helps us get by everyday. Grief too is part of healing.