Sudden blues

[BJAlli]

This is my first post on the forum and my first time in sharing my experience. I've gone through nine rounds of ivf all self funded, all of which were BFNs. No clear reason as to why. Our last attempt was October last year. I want to move on but finding it very difficult. Today was particularly difficult. Feelings of being a failure were particularly strong not to mention total sadness. I didn't raise with my husband as find it difficult to talk about with him. Am worried he will start to see me in a different light because i cannot give him children although he has assured me that would never be the case. I feel i have been handed a life sentence, which I finding it hard to live with. I know by reading other posts here i am not alone but still finding it super tough. Where do i begin with alleviating the pain and self doubt?

[Wenmol]

Hi BJAlli..so sorry to read how awful you're feeling..my heart goes out to you but I'm pleased you're reaching out to a forum such as this to share your feelings. For me having to move on was the most difficult situation I've experienced in my life and a part of me still hasn't quite accepted it (when I was 35 I had to have a hysterectomy). Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel your sorrow and comfort yourself in whatever way you can but please don't think of yourself as a failure..I felt the same and it's an awful feeling but you're not a failure..you are the one who has been failed in not having the baby you so desperately want. I found a very good counsellor to go and talk to. It was such relief to be able to express all my feelings and emotions to someone who had no connection with me, someone who, no matter what I said, how many times I cried etc there'd be no consequences. Like you, I found it very difficult to talk to my husband..I didn't think he really understood the depth of my feelings and grief. Men want to fix things and he couldn't fix our circumstances so he dealt with it differently and (I shouldn't really say this) many men are just not in tune with emotions and obviously don't experience maternal feelings. Counsellors usually offer a free first consultation so that gives you the opportunity to know if you'll feel comfortable talking to them. I hope this is something you feel you can do..it helped me a lot. I have a Facebook page called Butterflies..support for involuntary childlessness/infertility should you wish to contact me. I'm always available to contact and talk to. I'm not a counsellor (I am studying to be one) but I'm a good listener and have lots of understanding and empathy. Take good care!

[BJAlli in reply to Wenmol]

Hi Wenmol, I really appreciate your kind words and its so nice to talk to someone who is able to understand what I have gone through and am still going through. Normally I just plough through difficult times and always manage to come out at the other end - but as you know this is very different. As you know, you have good and bad days and I don't think I will ever accept the deal life has dealt me but I know I need to learn to live with it. Reading your words, I don't feel bad now or too indulgent in feeling sorry for myself - I think it is allowed from time to time :-). Thanks again and I will check out our Facebook page. Bye for now.

[Hidden]

Hi BJAlli,

Want to tell you what an incredible strong and brave woman you are. Thank you for various your story and being so brave. I can't begin to imagine the deep pain and sadness 9rounds have caused you. The toll IVF takes on your body, on your spirit, on your mental health and on your relationship can be is immense.

Sadly all we ever hear are success stories, but this doesn't balance with the facts that failure happens more than success.

It's a long and hard journey to recover from the years of disappointment and grief caused by failed cycles.

I hope you find someone to talk through all this with. Counselling is a massive help. And i have found some of the questions they have asked me helpful to then ask my husband to help him open up too.

Xxx

[Ellen6]

I'm so sorry to hear this. It must be devastating. I can imagine you will go though a grief process now. It will be a journey , however, you will come out of it. Please do consider counselling or something if you are feeling rock bottom. When my partner and I stopped trying, it felt so final. It was devastating, like a loss of my womanhood too.

Really feel for you. Hang on in there xx