Im new here: Hi all. Im 41 years ol and trying... - More To Life

More To Life

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Im new here


Hi all. Im 41 years ol and trying to come to terms with the fact that I wont become a mum. My husband and I have been trying for years and I have only fallen pregnant once. Unfortunately, mother nature had different ideas for that chapter of my life. We tried the IVF road, but the mixed messages from the nhs services, was I too old, yes I am , no im not , actually your egg counts too low, we'll fast track we cant do that.....soon drove me up the wall and we changed our mind about pursuing as I was stressed out enough and hadnt even got tobthe treatment stage. I alwayscsaw my life with a family being at the heart of it and cant see what else I can do to fill that void. I was looking local support and people who share the same there anyone out there?........

14 Replies

Hi there, I am in exactly the same position, and same age!. I am now trying to build the idea of a life without children and focus on my life being fulfilling. It's hard, but I'm making steps forward. Have you heard of gateway women? I have joined 'meetup'... have a look on the internet.

Also, bought a book my Jody Day, called living the life unexpected. And also one called 'the next happy' by Tracey Clematis'

Where do you live? I live in London, and love to meet other people in the same position....

Take care, and be kind to yourself xx

weediddy in reply to BDM1


Thank you for replying. I have heard of gateway and have downloaded the book, just haven't got to reading it yet. haven't joined the meet up as thought I could "do it on my own" but seems not the case.

Sounds like you are taking positive steps which is great. I'm in Ipswich so not too far away x

hi sorry to hear that you have been through a tough time it's hard coming to terms with it. I never went through IVF as wouldn't have been able to cope with the emotional upheaval that goes with it. I had a hysterectomy 5 years ago after suffering every month with heavy periods had fibroids and polycystic ovaries that was the last resort the hardest decision but it was affecting my health. Where do you live? I live in North Manchester it would do you good to meet up with other people in the same situation

weediddy in reply to lc01sw

I'm sorry to hear of your story. I hope that your health is better though? how did you learn to work through things?

I'm down in is hard to find communities out there that are local to you isn't it.

lc01sw in reply to weediddy

I just saw your reply to my post, my health has been a lot better since my hysterectomy physically, but emotionally it has been a struggle. We worked through it has best we could, some days have been a challenge,especially at work having to listen to my colleagues talking about their children / grandchildren I suppose it gets slightly easier with time. Hope you manage to speak to people in your area. Take care 😊

Hi there - I'm nearly 41 and in a similar position after x2 failed IVF attempts. I'm in Berks but v prepared to travel to meet others, I understand the lonliness xx

weediddy in reply to Annabakeoff

Going through the ivf must be hard. have you decided to try for a third time? how are you coping? x

Annabakeoff in reply to weediddy

No we've decided to accept our situation. I thought I was ok but I'm having a major wobble at the moment to be honest!

Hi, I'm 45 I never got to IVF I had cloned but then me and my x split, I have always been told it's unexplained as for ivf my NHS said I'm to old and not allowed to even try the once... I'm finding it hard to accept being childless even though I'm with another man I still can't fine anything to fill my empty heart... I love my husband but it doesn't fill the gap of no children.... hope you fine some help on here for me knowing I'm not alone does help a little just wish there was support near me xxx

weediddy in reply to Picktrac71

I'm sorry to hear your story. the age the age thing is so frustrating when you see women in the it 50s becoming pregnant. would you and your new husband consider adoption?

Picktrac71 in reply to weediddy

Hi, thanks for the reply no hubby doesn't want to go for adoption he's not got any children he's happy without but he knows it will make me fulfilled but I don't think I could do adoption either, it's just hard to accept Iev seen a few books noted so going have a read of them and hopefully I'm going get some counceling as well xx

We ceased treatment (after 3 rounds of ICSI) at the beginning of this year, just before my 43rd birthday. I knew the "sucess" rates weren't great but hoped ICSI would work as we'd managed to get pregnant twice naturally but miscarried. We even tried DE for round 3 with 40% success rate but another BFN. Initially I felt relief at stopping treatment but then went through a long period of sadness. Generally I'm OK and it's getting easier with time, but things upset me especially coming up what should have been our due date for 2nd pregnancy. I've had some counselling to help cope with the grief and to try to come to terms with not being a mum. I'm reading Jody Day's book, the chapter on grief really helped me.

I haven't been to any meet ups but have used this forum to off load. Whilst others may empathise they don't know the heartache we've been through and continue to experience, here people get it.

Picktrac71 in reply to pm27

That sounds so hard what you have been through... I feel for you xxx

Hi weediddy (great name :-) )

my road has been slightly different but with severe endo and a husband who had had a vasectomy years and years ago, I had to come to peace after several years of grief and turmoil (I call it my tumble-drier phase - I was going round and round and couldn't get out) with not having children too. What no one told me was that even if, like me, and like you, you saw your life with children at the heart of it, you can just be happy. I was told (and was looking for) ways to cope and "come to terms with" a life I hadn't anticipated. I envisaged a life of 'making up for' the fact I hadn't had children, but I'm pleased to say I'm just living my happy life.

It's great that there's this community of people who want to be happy. It's what we all want, in the end, isn't it? It's just that we haven't seen, or believed, that happiness could come in a different package. If there's one thing I'd love for you to know, it's that it is possible.

I'm living in France but am thinking of doing a meetup in the UK some time soon. I'll post on here if and when I do that.

Take care and lots of love


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