Anger related depression: I am not here to ask a question concerning me, but concerning my 24 year old brother.

[jess162]

He is constantly angry often showing aggression to me and my family. In the summer of 2009 he battled with testicular cancer and thankfully recoverd and is okay now but I fear he didn't properly get over his ordeal leaving him frustrated and constantly angry. All his friends are off getting married and having kids while he sits alone it is very sad and we all fear he has major depression. He remains closed off about his feelings and we don't know what's going on with him! Last night we all got a shock when he went out to a bar and met my older sister there with her friends he was already too drunk to go out in the first place and when the bar was closing he started a fight with another man and his friends and my sister was trying to stop the whole thing putting herself in danger but she couldn't stop it and the boys hit him and gave him a busted lip. My sister and her friends dragged him into a taxi and as the taxi was stopping at one of my sisters friends house to leave her off he ran out of the car and threatened to find the men that hit him and kill them. My sisters friend got out of the car to stop him but he acted out aggressively if her leaving a mark. He is out of control he didn't come back and I was awakened from my sleep when my sister came in traumatised and crying. My mother went out to find him and thank goodness did. When he got up the next day we told him what he did and he wasn't even sorry. I fear is suicidal and that scares me please help! He is acting immature. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[downandout]

I know you may not like what i am going to say, but i think it has to be done as i have gone away and thought about this and now am replying the next time your brother does anything like this, do not intervene call the police, allow him to be arrested and then make him face upto his problem its called tough love, while you all run around protecting him and helping him he will not face up to the real issue, and although his ordeal must have been harrowing he was given the all clear and beat it.

The Police may even refer him to mental health and he may get help with anger management, but to be honest and i know this sounds nasty he seems to be rather selfish, he had no thought at lashing out and it was your sister and her friend that jumped in and paid the price, i have known many a person to get cancer and beat it and i know alot that have lost their battle, i think he is just being totally selfish and he needs to get over it, most people get given a form of counselling and he would have had this and i am sure that you could speak to a doctor and ask advice as to if any is available, but its time he stepped up and acted like a man, most people that beat cancer take it as a second chance and get out there and get living, it appears he is still in the poor me i am a victim mode, yes his friends are getting married and having families, now while he may or may not be able to have a family no one is going to want to marry him when he is just being an angry fuelled victim and he can do that because his whole family are fussing over him.

Its time to make him grow up he could be out there dating and making a future, we all face hell and have to get back out there in our own ways so my advice next time he does it leave him do not go rescue him and if he comes and bothers your sister where she is then she should simply call the police, maybe when he wakes up in a cell he will realise that its him and him alone that has to deal with it, the best thing my mother ever did was when she had a call from the police saying they had my brother there, she said is he in danger, NO, Do you have room to keep him, YES, can i collect him in the morning to teach him a lesson - ANSWER I sure wish more parents were like you we are more than happy to leave him in a cell overnight but we had to check with you, and she simply said well he will not learn if i come and get him, and he never spent another night in the cells he sorted his life out at that point to an extent, but he still blames everyone but him for what happens and he still runs to the sisters to dig him out of trouble, but it is probably what he needs, sorry but it is called Tough Love for a reason

Good Luck

Helen

xxx

[jess162]

Thanks Helen, he was offered counselling when he had cancer and refuses it. He thought he was tough and "not crazy" as he says. I get what your saying and I agree, my family protects him too much. We are a very tight knit family and are very close. I think the next morning he was let off far too easy. As for the whole victim thing about cancer. He never really talks about it and I think he doesn't even realise that having cancer affected his mental health. He is unhappy at (as most of us our). He is very immature and he needs to grow up. I think the next time he lashes out, I will make my parents phone maybe a therapist. Also mum said that she is going to watch what he drinks but I don't see why that is our problem! Thanks and honestly your advice has been very helpful. Tough love. Xxx

[sasays]

Hi Jess162, I hope you and your brother are ok. Although i do understand what Helen is saying and agree about the police involvement, do be mindful of making him feel more secluded in the home than he may already feel after his ordeal. He's not a child and the fact that he doesnt speak to anyone about what happened i think is a little concerning. Wat are his friends like? Are they close? Do you think he speaks to them? Don't push him to talk if he doesnt want to, just let him know that he can if he wants to. Not everyone discusses these things with their families, perhaps he has opened up to a friend? Do you know any of his friends well enough to ask them if they think he is ok? Someone that would uderstand why you're asking and also not tell him you've asked (not talking behind his back, just concerned for his welfare). Does he have plans to move out of the family home? It could do wonders to give him some independance, he will have to be more responsible for himself and his actions and perhaps make it easier to communicate if you're not on top of each other. Could he go into a flatshare or find a place with a friend or two? Provided they are 'good' friends. Not chucking him out obviously not, just discussing it conversationally and in passing perhaps.

The fact that you've asked this question in a depression forum rather than something on anger management shows that you have identified he may not be in a good place at the moment or indeed for the past few years. When the people in your life move on without you or their lives move foward, it can leave you feeling very alone, even if you're still surrounded by people. You can't always expect someone to be happy to alive if they are not happy with their lives and don't know how or to have the energy to change it.

Please try to remain positive but not allow his agressive behaviour. It has been a few years since his ordeal perhaps its best to try a different tactic and reach out to his friends (if suitable). It may not go down well to force him into therapy (not force, but you know what i mean) it may be best to get him to try it out himself. Dependant on where you are located you can self refer yourself for a therapy review. Perhaps call your GP or NHS Direct to see what they offer in your area. Sometimes you can do a self referral online and they will give you a call, he won't even have to speak to anyone of his own accord or go to see anyone, they will contact him. Perhaps you could get a leaflet on therapies and support from your GP and pop it in the pile of post as if it came through the door, leave it out with the rest for him to take, you can always say it must have been popped through the door if you think he'd have a problem with it. Its so hard to help someone who is in such a negative space and even more so if they are agressive, good luck to you. My thoughts are with you and your brother. I hope he's ok. Perhaps he needs a fresh start x

[jess162 in reply to sasays]

I agree completely! Him and his friends are close and they are nice men but I suppose talk about feelings and his past isn't a hot topic! Also they are the type of guys that would make fun of eachother when talking about feelings, they are not trying to be mean and nasty it's just how they are and I'm sure if one of my brothers friends tried to talk about feelings my brother would make fun of they!

I think I should mention when he was about 12 or 13 he got bullied pretty bad because he was so fine made up and small. Now that he's bigger I think he thinks he is invincible! He had physical and mental abuse by the boys in his school and i think anytime he is stressed them feelings of negativity when he was bullied come back!

Is there any way I could try to talk to him about his bullying or maybe ask him why he is so sad and agressive without him getting annoyed and angry. Thanks!