No way back?

[DavidW81]

Hello

My name's David and up until about 6 weeks ago I thought of my life as being quite ordinary. I was pretty happy and everything seemed to be going well.

My wife and I got married nearly 3 years ago and she is my world.

I'm only 30, as is my wife but we are very fortuitous manageing to buy ourselves a beautiful house back in March and a family was definitely on the cards.

We had already been trying for little ones but early in the relationship we had 2 miscarriages so it was sometimes hard to talk about. Never the less my wife still kept a list of baby names that she continued to add to.

6 weeks ago my wife changed completely. She seemed to stop loving me over night. Her personality also changed, she was very much the clean freak, now she doesn't care, she will not do anything around the house or come shopping with me. She also started going out all of the time, getting drunk, vanishing until the next day. I'm all but sure she has now been unfaithful.

3 weeks ago I went to the doctors with her and they diagnosed her with acute depression. They gave her some antidepressants and signed her off work for 2 weeks (she hates her job). We went back last week and she was signed off for another month.

I love her, but I'm now struggling to cope. I don't want to pressurise her to stay with me but I can't keep trying if she continues to see other men.

She said that she doesn't want to sell the house and she knows her head is a mess. She said she wants to try.

My life is terrible right now and I don't know what to do, I'm so depressed. I'm still going work and I'm trying to lead a normalish life but it feels like my heart weighs a ton.

I just don't know if we can get back to the way we once were

[Hidden]

Hi

How sad that things seemed to be going so well and now they have collapsed. It must be really hard for you to see your wife so unhappy and behaving so wildly. Ideally you need some support for yourself but she also needs more help than just medication and being signed off work. Would she go for counselling with you, perhaps at Relate. It sounds as though she has struggled to cope with the miscarriages and then perhaps found she was starting to withdraw from caring about your relationship and home. Talking together with someone might help you feel you are both dealing with the difficult situation. Do ask your wife if she will consider seeing someone with you. Sue

[DavidW81 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the reply.

We're waiting for our appointment with relate to come through and she is also waiting for her own counselling.

I don't want to sound selfish, I know there are a lot of bad things going on in the world that make my situation seem ridiculous but everyday for me at the moment is agony.

Not understanding is probably the worst part. I'm not a very complicated guy, I'm very open. All I ever wanted was to settle down and have a family.

[Hidden in reply to DavidW81]

Hi David

You aren't selfish at all. You have to look after yourself. Your situation isn't ridiculous at all. Please take care of yourself. Take time for yourself and don't be hard on yourself. x

[missrat]

I'm so sorry. It does sound as if depression lies behind your wife's 'character change. and she could benefit from a psychiatric/Community Mental Health Team referral in case it is a more severe form such as a bipolar 'mixed state' - which is treatable, but slightly differently. Your GP should also be able to give you some support through thiis difficult time.

One thing I would suggest is that, wherever you are, there is a great facilitated support chat for relatives of people with depression on Wednesdays at 7.30-9pm. (You do need to log in pretty promptly so it isn't full!) You'll dind details - and a lot more - on WWW.aware.org.ie

I use their normal depression chat (missratac) - and if you, too, are depressed we'd love to see you on the other groups. (I'm in England, but apart from things being talked about in Euros we hardly notice any difference. Another member is in France.)

Ann