What's the point anymore

[unkownuserrrr]

I'm struggling really bad with my mental health right now, I suffer from BPD and the last year or so it's gotten so bad and unmanageable. I recently lost my job due to taking some days off with mental health and still being on probation. So I haven't worked for a couple of weeks, I've just got a flat after being registered homeless for almost a year, struggling with money for the first time in my life, I feel so low, suicidal and such a let down I struggle for the motivation to do anything right now. My boyfriend is calling me lazy, saying other people have it worse, he has mental health and he still has to go to work etc. Like I chose to be let go from my job, I chose to be finally given a house when I have no means to support myself, I haven't asked him to pay for anything, asked for money etc. Its a worry I have dealt with all on my own, he keeps offering saying he'll pay for this and that regardless of me saying no. This morning he blew up on me was so mean and horrible had me in tears yet again all because he was late to work, his driving test is in a few days and he doesn't want to do it. He said I'm lazy, all I do is sleep all day and use my mental health as an excuse, everyday I've been in tears constant phone calls, emails, debt letters and kept it all to myself but to him I've done nothing. He's said the last two years of his life has been a disaster since he met me, nothing to do with covid, him spending money he didn't have, his car constantly breaking, losing his licence. I get the blame of everything that's wrong in his life. I don't even know what to do anymore I'm fighting with my head daily to keep myself here but why should I even bother anymore I don't want to be here, I don't benefit anyone being here, I'm just a complete let down. I have no one to speak to he was the only person I trusted enough to open up to and he has threw it in my face one too many times now.

[Hidden]

Only you can make situation right. Choose to fight and you win

[Mumofhocd]

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. I can totally understand why you're feeling so overwhelmed right now. It's a lot. And to be honest it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is helping, in fact he is making things much worse. I know you say he's the only one you can talk to about this stuff, but it doesn't sound like you're really able to, you said you're not sharing a lot of these struggles with him, and he's still coming down hard on you with what you have told him. You don't need him. What you've described is abuse, and that is not helping you, quite the opposite. I know it's scary but can you end things with him? It sounds like you're in the UK and I'm not sure what your entitlements are, but would the dole and any accommodation supplements you might be able to get, cover your rent? And maybe get some flatmates in? And again I'm not sure about the UK (eg what you can get under the NHS) but can you get professional help? Are you on medication for the BPD?

[orygun66]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I really related to your post. Things going wrong and the one person you thought you could count on isn't there for you. I agree with the other reply that suggested you would be better off without your current boyfriend. He doesn't sound like much of a partner. Telling you there are people worse off is not helpful. My mom does the same thing and all it does is minimize your own suffering. We shouldn't need to compare ourselves to others. If we want to consider how other people are less fortunate then fine. You need support right now. It's good you came here to post. Things in life will get back on track for you. That is one helpful thing I hear: this too shall pass. Because everything does change. Nothing stays the same. Remember to take it one day at a time.

[Hidden]

Not that its much benefit to you, but I'm in exactly the same boat. Every day I pray not to wake up, and some nights i lie awake looking at the noose on my door. Just wish I had the courage to end this miserable thing called life.

[Mumofhocd in reply to Hidden]

It takes far more courage to do what you're doing and keep living. Are you getting professional help?

[Hidden in reply to Mumofhocd]

I've had all the help i can get, psychological therapies, hospital admissions, talking therapies, none of it helps. I just sit here on my computer waiting for the day to end, so I can take all my meds and do it all again tomorrow. Doesn't help that when I go down to Cornwall to visit my kids, i'm retraumatised by my ex wife packing them up in the car and carting them off again, leaving me alone and back to my hotel room where i can't sleep and have flashbacks to ending my life in the hotel room. It's not great, but I'm still here and still fighting.

[Shawmind Partner]

Hello,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Samaritans has a free 24 hour listening service for you to talk with them, and they can help you with what you are going through.

Please call 116 123 for free or visit samaritans.org/ for further support.

[Hidden in reply to Shawmind]

As I've mentioned before, tried the Samaritans, they aren't really much help, just advise against it. Not much more they can do tbh.

[Jadora12]

I sat up when I read this. It caught my eye in emails. I can totally relate to this I have left many jobs due to mental health problems I don’t even have an official condition like BPD that must be extremely hard for you but regardless your ‘boyfriend’ who should be the most supportive person in the world for you right now should not be treating you this way. I know it’s easier said than done but the only way to make a change and be positive is to cut out that negativity in your life. Life is a struggle Nevermind having someone criticise you when they should be the person who makes your nights abit lighter when your lows really come through. I really feel for you, but I know there is a strength in all of us the bad times are temporary and life is too short it’s what you make of it. I’m sorry if this doesn’t help quite so but I hope it can give you a little bit of hope and perspective that sometimes little change can make things alot better. ♥