Ashamed.

[I_Hate_Me_2]

Trigger warning.....

I hate myself so much. So much, that tonight I s.h’d. I feel so lost and angry with myself. What a failure and let down I am. I caved in.

[Tisha777]

You are not a failure you are human and valuable.

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Tisha777]

Such lovely words Tisha777. Literally in tears but I am all what the post says. I caved in and everything got the better of me. I let the bad win and deserve the hurt.

[I_Hate_Me_2]

Thank you so much for your reply W_S. Think will always have days like this but just feel like I’ve let myself down by what happened tonight and the stage it got to. Being here has taught me I’m not alone and although reaching out is hard and one of the reasons I don’t post much because either it’s me internalising all what’s happening or I just can’t find the words. Although they are powerful sometimes maybe not as much as they should as if I think what words would make the feelings inside justifiable and the depth of them (if that makes sense) I continue to battle with self love and divert all hate inside not seeing what others see.

Thank you for saying you’ve my back and online is better than not having anything. I try so hard to be a better person. Self sabotaging is such a easy trap to fall into. Yet feel I’m in that rut deep inside.

[Torri_____]

We all have times this takes us on and as humans we all are learning from mistakes everywhere everyday. I am sending love and worth to you as I know this feel and sometimes need it reminded too. Extra love your way

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Torri_____]

Thank you Torri____ I feel like such a failure and worthless still so your message means a lot. I’m trying so hard not to keep failing all the time.

Sending love to you too x

[Beautifulrainbow]

Hi there, please don't beat yourself up, we all do things we regret, but it's done, it can't be changed, the main thing is that you learn from it. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, that I can sit and judge myself, but it's not about that, we are all human and we do things we regret, but please today is another day, try to hold on in there. We are all here to support you the best we can. Sending you hugs. 💗🌈

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Beautifulrainbow]

Thank you for your reply Beautifulrainbow. I’ve tried so hard for a while now not to get to that stage. But I hate that I was weak at that point to give in. Feelings of failure and horrible thoughts are still so messed up and racing in my mind. Sending hugs to you too and thank you x

[I_Hate_Me_2]

Thank you. As they are for you also and sending hugs x

[Dolphin14]

We live in a state of shame I think. Then we have a fall and beat ourselves up more.

When we fall we have to pull ourselves together and get back up. I know easier said than done, but what's the alternative?

Please stay strong. You slipped. I'm sorry to read you hurt yourself. Your pain is deep.

Take care of you ❤️

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

You know me so well my friend. I can’t thank you enough. I let myself down but with all what’s going on I have really tried to keep ahold. I had got another email from the therapy people. It’s all very scary still. I’m so sorry. 💜 x

[Dolphin14 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

You don't need to apologize to me. You know I love and care about you. Take care of yourself .

You know where to find me. I will always be here for you.

It's hard to see you in such pain. I am by your side no matter what

❤️❤️❤️

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

I love and care about you too. I will do. Thank you as I will be for you as well. No matter what’s happened or what I’ve said you’ve stuck by me. Since day 1. You’ve been there. I know you worry and it feels I’ve let those who care down and feels awful x 💜

[Dolphin14 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

You may feel you have let people down. But it's not trueYou are trying to survive a tough time. People who love you will support you. I don't like to read you've hurt yourself. But, I will always care for you no matter what❤️

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

I got scared to post and you know I can talk to you about anything but I know you don’t like reading things like that. Your support and all you do is very much special and you are someone I call a friend and for standing by me means so very much to me. I know you care and I do for you as well 💜

[Dolphin14 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

I'm a part of your life through it all. We can get through anything together and you can share with me. You know this❤️❤️

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

I know. But I should have known better than to do what I did I just couldn’t fight the pain anymore.

Thinking a bit more rationally now I know I’m so lucky to have you walk this road with me and know you’re there for me right by my side 💜💜

[Dolphin14 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

I can't judge people's actions and the depth of their pain.I don't walk in your shoes so it's not my place.

Just know you mean the world to me and can open up about anything.

Will chat in pm ❤️

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

💜💜💜

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

I will always be grateful for all you’ve done and send all my love across the miles 💜 x

[Laykonyde]

Hi dear,

Just wanna tell you this, u are wonderfully made.

Every human has their flaws. I have made quite a few mistakes in life that I regret but I just don't wanna look back as it robs me off of today's joy.

We love you and, you are amazing!

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Laykonyde]

Thank you for your reply Laykonyde and I hear you when you say it robs you of today’s joy. I am just finding things hard and feel so stuck in a place I want out of and have cried so much both yesterday and today. There’s so much hurt inside. Everyone on here has been nothing less than amazing and more. Sending love your way too x

[Laykonyde in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

You are so welcome bright-red-deer-85.

When I'm at my lowest I refuse to stay indoors or, when I stay in doors i find things to do to get me going.

Talking to friends also does help with positive thoughts and getting right perspectives.

And for me, one of the things that help when I feel down and out is exercise.

I'm not saying these are gonna work for u as everyone is unique but it might equally help.

Laykonyde is cheering you on!

Go deer!!

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Laykonyde]

Thank you Laykonyde. Usually I go out and not have to spend too much time indoors but with the pandemic as it is and living in a area where infection rates are high I am too scared to go out and only go if needed. I usually do diamond paintings, cross stitch and recently started making a scarf on a loom. Went horribly wrong towards the middle and end. So that was disappointing. I tend to get all bits around home done in the morning and watching a series on dvd at the moment and on season 3. Your distractions sound good. I love photography so when I’m out usually take lots of photos. Thanks for the cheer on and will do the same for you...always x

[Swiftor]

no one is a failure and without a cause, Stay positive and use command "cancel cancel "for all bad thoughts .

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Swiftor]

I internalise them which I know isn’t the right thing to do. It’s then soon after down the line everything just gets too much.

[Ehsanbey]

I feel exactly the same tonight so if u eventually find a way to escape this shit plz dont hesitate to share it with another desperate one as I am, good luck

[Lazy_dog_lover]

Ok, you caved in today. How can we help you stand back up tomorrow?

If you hurt someone, repair the relationship.

If you hurt yourself, dig deep and figure out why to prevent a repeat.

What is done is done. You cannot change the past. What do you need to learn and grow from this?

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

All what is hurting is on the inside. So took all the pain from the inside and inflicted it on the outside too. I lost control and wanted the pain to flow out of me. The relief I so badly needed. It doesn’t take it away though and so badly want it to. Relief is only temporary. All I seem to do is mess up and fail to cope.

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

You have to release pain. It is the only thing you can do. How you do it, I think, is your question.

Can you do something physical everyday to channel it outward in a small volume more frequently? It will lessen the impact the triggers have on you. Exercise, walking, boxing, standing on your head,... Journalling may help, but it depends on what the issue is. Be sure to include a positive thing or two for each journal entry to balance out negativity.

Do you have a therapist? That is always an option.

I use the Headspace App to learn meditation. It has really helped me learn to breathe differently.

Answering posts, here, with helpful ideas also helps.

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

I write poems but they are dark and reflect where I am and thoughts that seem to consume me. I was thinking to journal in a bullet journal and also entry progress I make in a special book I have. I thought to keep negative and positive reflections separate so the negative isn’t always what’s focused on. I’ve never written any positives.

I’ve never done meditation but planning to start listening. Heard of headspace but never used it. Like meditation I will look into it. Thanks for that. Need to arm myself with strategies.

My anxiety is at a all time high and hardly go out due to the pandemic but usually prefer to be outdoors. I’m in a lot since lockdown.

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

I know what you mean about being indoors too much.

I had a big car accident last March. It was right when our lockdowns started. No visitors in the hospital. Laid up with injuries and then rehab all year, plus pandemic. Revision surgery Jan 4, facing 2 more surgeries, so 2021 I will out of commission again.

Some of the gratitude that I journal are things like... I survived the crash, I stayed virus free even with so many appointments, my niece gave me her room to recuperate, it was finally sunny after x number of days, I got a good night's sleep, I finished my Christmas cards... Things, big or small, that I was grateful for.

You are able to recognize your needs. You reached out in this group. You read responses. You replied. There are 4 I see.

Journalling the anger and sadness is fine. People have published their poetry on those emotions. If that is all you do, you reinforces them and make them harder to break down.

I Googled lists of character traits. I made a list that fit me. I created 3 positive statements. Ideally, they should be said out loud in a mirror, but I am still just at the point for me reading them out loud to myself.

Do the most positive thoughts right before going to sleep. I can share my affirmations if you need ideas.

[JW621]

Are you ok ?