I’m absolutely balling my eyes out while writing this... I just don’t know what to do anymore! My anxiety just seems to be getting worse and worse and I just feel absolutely hopeless! And I’m starting to feel more depressed since I’ve been to therapy 3 times now, and even though I’ve done everything they told me and it’s helped for a while, I just feel like I’m back to square one, and I’ll never get out of this state!
I now have a second part-time job in a fish and chip shop, since the UK is in another full lockdown, just to earn some extra money. I’ve been there for 4 days now and the manager has shouted at me twice: once for accidentally messing up an order, and then a complaint from a customer that I’m too slow at taking orders, and I’m trying my hardest but I’m still trying to get the hang of things since I was only there for 4 days. Then in my other job at the pub/restaurant, one of the managers told me that I seem like a miserable b**** (excuse the language, lol) and that I’m not fit for the job, and it really did upset me because that’s not the case at all, it’s just my social anxiety.
Aside from that, I just feel really worthless. Music is the only thing that keeps me going, but at the moment we can’t do any live shows or open mic nights, so no performing apart from livestreams, and writing and recording, of course. But apart from that, everything just feels too far out of my reach. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m 17 and I’ve never been in a relationship and it really bothers me because I just feel so unloveable, and after what I’ve been told at work about seeming miserable, I just feel like everybody hates me when they meet me, and everyone’s in a bad mood when I’m around and they’re better off without me. And the thing is, I’m just terrible at faking a smile, I’m somebody that wears my emotions on my sleeve. Don’t get me wrong, I’m never rude to customers, I always try my best to be nice and polite around them, and I’ve even been tipped a couple of times, but I guess I just give off that “b*tchy* vibe since I’m such an introvert (excuse my language AGAIN, lmao😂).
But, back to the relationship thing! As some of you that have read my previous posts know, I’m extremely insecure about never being in a relationship, and even though I’m only 17, I feel really old to have never had that experience yet. But I just feel like I never will because of the state that I’m in at the moment. I do work with guys that are around my age that I find attractive, but, like a lot of people are, I’m afraid to approach them. And secondly, I get more anxious around people my own age for some reason.
It really, really hurts. The only people I’m close to are my mum, my stepdad and my one best friend that I’ve been friends with since moving to the UK, which would be nearly 8 years. And I feel like I can’t talk to her at the moment since she’s pregnant and she’s going through a lot with her boyfriend at the moment. And I have to go back to the fish and chip shop on Friday so I’m panicking about that because I’m afraid I’ll get something wrong again!
Sorry about this super-long post, I know I’ve spoke about some of this before but I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest, due to the work issues bringing everything back to the surface again! If anyone has any advice on how to fake a smile, that would help so much because I’m absolutely terrible at it!
Thanks everyone so much, and a happy new year to you all!✨💕