I'm scared, to the point ive been phoning up first response team every night since the day before new years, but it never does anything, i just keep getting passed around and im just so *** tired.
I have ptsd, bpd (emotional unstability), depression and anxiety. (Maybe schizophrenia aswell but that hasn't been put on paper yet just spoken about so I don't like making it official until i can see it).
Ive recently became ill (like flu/corona possibily) too and that really isnt helping me or my head, its making everything unbareable and so confusing.
I tend to live in another world, and its very hard knowing whats real and whats not real. And I also get thoughts that something has happened and I react to it as if it has, even though I can physically see nothing has happened, but the feelings are way too real and strong and this puts me in a lot of distress, almost constantly.
I recently (well, 6 months ago now but still feels raw) had my first healthy relationship aswell, but i messes that up so we aren't together anymore, and its really messing with my mind way more than any break ups before, even real death hasnt messed me up like this before. I don't know who I am anymore, and I have no one to look after me (just had a break down while typing this so now might not be as descriptive).
I live by myself and don't do a very good job of it. I havent really used my kitchen for a good couple of months because I let it get so bad that I cant face it anymore, i cant use my front room because of an incident im still trying to clean up in there but haven't made any physical effort to since coming back home from christmas.
To be honest, I would prefer it if I was sectioned again but fully (i have been sectioned before but only "daycare" sectioning, they would pick me up and take me home every day, so i wasn't staying any nights.) As then atleast i know i would be somewhere safe, away from me, and anything i can use to kill myself/harm myself with (I've been having really strong fascinations of stabbing myself recently, it wont go away), but i mainly want to go because then they cant ignore me, they have to help me, instead of just getting passed off onto people that do damn all. It was also somewhere i felt i could be myself and for the first time in my life felt like people weren't watching me or judging me, because everyone else was the same bur different. So maybe i would be able to be myself once more, because i dont know what that feels like right now and havent done for so long.
People say im a good person, but im not, im a horrible disgusting untrustworthy person and honestly i deserve to die.