I'm scared, to the point ive been phoning up first response team every night since the day before new years, but it never does anything, i just keep getting passed around and im just so *** tired.
I have ptsd, bpd (emotional unstability), depression and anxiety. (Maybe schizophrenia aswell but that hasn't been put on paper yet just spoken about so I don't like making it official until i can see it).
Ive recently became ill (like flu/corona possibily) too and that really isnt helping me or my head, its making everything unbareable and so confusing.
I tend to live in another world, and its very hard knowing whats real and whats not real. And I also get thoughts that something has happened and I react to it as if it has, even though I can physically see nothing has happened, but the feelings are way too real and strong and this puts me in a lot of distress, almost constantly.
I recently (well, 6 months ago now but still feels raw) had my first healthy relationship aswell, but i messes that up so we aren't together anymore, and its really messing with my mind way more than any break ups before, even real death hasnt messed me up like this before. I don't know who I am anymore, and I have no one to look after me (just had a break down while typing this so now might not be as descriptive).
I live by myself and don't do a very good job of it. I havent really used my kitchen for a good couple of months because I let it get so bad that I cant face it anymore, i cant use my front room because of an incident im still trying to clean up in there but haven't made any physical effort to since coming back home from christmas.
To be honest, I would prefer it if I was sectioned again but fully (i have been sectioned before but only "daycare" sectioning, they would pick me up and take me home every day, so i wasn't staying any nights.) As then atleast i know i would be somewhere safe, away from me, and anything i can use to kill myself/harm myself with (I've been having really strong fascinations of stabbing myself recently, it wont go away), but i mainly want to go because then they cant ignore me, they have to help me, instead of just getting passed off onto people that do damn all. It was also somewhere i felt i could be myself and for the first time in my life felt like people weren't watching me or judging me, because everyone else was the same bur different. So maybe i would be able to be myself once more, because i dont know what that feels like right now and havent done for so long.
People say im a good person, but im not, im a horrible disgusting untrustworthy person and honestly i deserve to die.
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Pond642
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Edit: i also stopped taking my meds about a month ago, i know its stupid to do that but i honestly didn't feel like they were helping at all, and i just got tired of it tbh..
I am listening and I have a cousin w ptsd and bipolar that has tested positive for covid and said it really does a number to her mental health as she was diagnosed on Christmas Eve she got the test.
It’s only a thought that is affecting you to think you are horrible or bad things and definitely not true. That’s what mental health does to us. You are worthy of being heard and I love that you are aware the sense of community and security that being at the day center gave you. It’s the feeling of connection and only now maybe you aren’t getting that but knowing that it’s your want and need is so good to start. I am currently on medication and know that the symptoms off can be hard to cope with. I wish you a peaceful feeling to look at your ability to know yourself and being so aware and reaching out.
Hello, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Living alone is challenging, and when dark thoughts creep in its tough to keep them at bay. I commend you for reaching out and looking for help, as that’s a big step to take. In the past, has anything helped to ease your thoughts?
Thank you, I cant really remember what i would do when i was by myself, i moved into a flat with thinking im going to be alone i need to work on myself etc, but then a really amazing person came along and we got together, i felt safe, but i ruined it all and hurt them and i cant forgive myself, this year i also lost two of my best friends, because in the end of the day they were toxic, but that still hurts, now i have no one to confind in apart from trying to find websites like these, as i see the burden it put on the people i cared about and it wasn't worth them hating me for it, but i still get that feeling with people i dont know, like now even typing this i hate it.I dont know what works anymore.
Sounds like you’ve had a great deal of loss recently, and eventually you will want/need to forgive yourself for what you’ve done. When we hurt others its easy to take full blame...remember, we are human, and its okay to make mistakes. I know it doesn’t take you back to where you were or patch things up, but it’s important to recognize our imperfections are what make us unique.
I'm sure you're a great person. The depression makes you feel you're not, but that's really not the truth if you think about it is it? No one deserves to feel bad and have the conditions you are suffering from. Don't give up on reaching out for the care and support you deserve and need. Keep calling and making a fuss.
I am though, i know the depression makes me feel worse for it but i still did it, i dont know why but i still did it, twice. If it was just the first time i might of been able to get over it by now, but even when it was just the first time i couldn't forgive myself but still did it again... i dont know whats wrong with me
When I was distressed, I was hospitalised as the suicidal thoughts got too intrusive. I also had fascinations with stabbing myself etc. Luckily I am living with my parents and I told them so once it is out in the open, those thoughts have less control over the mind because awareness takes central seat.
The environment in the hospital was very safe and I connected with others also struggling with the same symptoms etc. It is not a long term solution, but great short term anchor to get through extremely distressing time. If you really can't trust yourself to hold off any longer, please call the crisis line or emergency. Get an ambulance to send you to the hospital, if possible.
Are there other options for you now to feel safe and cared for? We are caring for you through this platform. Can you find 'safety' through spiritual avenues? Feeling loved and cared for is extremely important and I want you to feel that because truth is there is love, sometimes we just can't feel it when sickness takes over. Nature loves you so much. The sun keeps giving us sunlight. Plants keep supplying us with oxygen...
Do you see a psychotherapist? Bcs if you ever want to get healthy, again, you have to drag out all the bad, and good, things that happened to you, out into the light, "clean" them, and you have to learn to love yourself again, so you can start to love your life and others. That is the cure. But you probably will have to take some meds until the talk therapy starts working. Only you can do that for you, no one else. But you mustn't run away from yourself, you have to help yourself heal. I hope you have money for a therapist. Good luck!
You're not a horrible disgusting person. You are someone who is clearly unwell and needs help and support. Believe me. I get how frustrating it is when you tell someone you want to die and a week later they discharge you. And all you think is seriously?? It's makes you feel as though all the pain you are going through means nothing. I've been down that path many times. And the stabbing thing? I think of that all the time. I also think of myself standing on the train tracks near where I live, and then my body flying up in the air like a ragdoll as a train hits me at high speed. Some people may think that's really messed up, but it's not. I know I'm in a really bad place (I'm bedbound, have severe Post Operative Chronic Pain and M.E). I also have a child, which also makes me incredibly selfish to want to end my life. But I would challenge ANYONE to go through what I've been through this past decade and not be feel completely helpless. So I won't let anyone judge me for how I feel, because they haven't had to live my life. Just like no one else has had to live yours. So don't even think that you're a bad person. Which country are you in Hun?
I repeat this often, I am not my thoughts. I am not this mind. I am not this body. I am pure awareness and consciousness. Don't listen to the thoughts. Just observe. And seek professional help when it gets too tough. The thoughts just come and go. If we don't feed the thoughts with more ideas, they will die out slowly.
hey
i can relate to what you’re feeling. have you tried inpatient before? it’s hit or miss but in my experience it does help to some extent if only to make you feel less alone for a little while
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A difficult day **TRIGGER WARNING** **self harm, overdose, suicidal thoughts**
Don’t know what to feel.
Working nights and being called lazy
I think I am depressed? 
